random thoughts

what are random thoughts? this is a blog within a blog. there are not many entries here. i will write things that don't adhere to my "rules" on my regular site, things that are so very personal, so intimate, so hurtful, joyful, rude, playful and rebellious. you wont see these posts on my regular blog. and you will have to check here at random to see if there has been anything new added. this section of my blog is quite personal and exposed. take what you like and leave the rest. for now, comments are open. it's up to you to comment. know that this is personal, and at best, this is the closest you will ever be to the real me.


June 26, 2013

The Avett Brothers are playing tonight and I want to go. i've moved on from matt, this much is true. i fell finally for another man. i have not written about him on RP hardly at all. he was almost 100% the man i wrote about before (see italics below). he WAS that man. those italics WERE about him. i met him in october of 2011. we've been dating ever since. he did not meet my son right away. oliver met him 8 months later. 

my feelings for this man have gone back and forth. there is a lot of good in him. but both of us have our hang ups, and we both need to mature as lovers.

oh that you knew how wonderful he was. 

oh that i was not completely ready for this man to be in my life, altho he served a wonderful purpose. he helped me to realize that i was worthy of love again.

as usual, i am struggling with suicide again. i am sick to my stomach, one more time. i feel like a failure as a mother because i stress out my tender, sweet child. i am ruining him, and truthfully, i feel he might be better off without me.

i am not hurting over matt anymore, thank goodness.

But everything is too much for me. money, jobless, messy house, loneliness, my now X bf, my dad. i am sick that my father won't talk to me. i am struggling with my powerlessness there. i am not even sure God exists anymore, at least not the God ibelieved in the last two year. Jesus God. does He exist? or there is a God but he does not answer prayers?

i am so sad. i struggle with my X bf, and i so want him to love me.  and he does. he loves me. and he is hurting and sad too. he misses me. then why can't we find a way to be together? just b/c we like each other does not mean we should be dating. is that true? or insane? should we work on it? maybe the work has to come from within. i am a total ass when it comes to relationships. i am a mess. i'm a child. i'm a dork. i act terribly, so much so that even the guys i lower my standards for do not want me. i feel useless and unloved.

i am reading a book called How to Be an Adult in Relationship (it's awesome) and the author says all of this is normal, a normal part of grieving when relationships end. it's scary how he described exactly what i do and what i want to do and then he gives alternatives. i'm trying to behave like an adult this time. no whining, begging, pleading. i'm going to let things be and see what happens. i will be OK. eventually. i will. 

it's hard to grieve again, and to have my son see that again. what kind of mother am i? i read too recently that all women (or men) who are on the hurt end of broken relationships feel they are hurting their children. it's a struggle to parent while hurting. but, the articles says, we do better than we think. my peanut is happy and if i do happen to cry in front of him, i be sure to let him know i am OK and that sometimes mommies cry. i try not to. i find relief when he's gone.

i want to reach out and end this grieving but i really can't. i have to stay here and feel it and experience it and move thru it.

he was great. he was frustrating. my RP readers don't like him. well then they prolly wont like me either b/c i was just as unstable. i acted like a child at times. just ask my X husband. he knows how silly (not fun silly) i can think. i'm illugical and reactive, angry, hurt, and i lash out. 

i'm also so hard on myself as mutant (one of my readers) says. my X bf said that too, that i am so hard on myself.

today i thought i would hire a personal trainer to get my body into shape. i think that will be my focus now that the relationship is over. i'm so embarrassed walking around with this body. ugg.


 . . . . . . . . . .

November 6, 2011

there is so much going on in my head right now, and i wish I could tell you all about it except for the fact that none of it makes any sense to me at all.

this is an assignment from my spiritual adviser... to write about what i want.

i'm not even sure i'm even capable of liking someone to the point where it matters if I ever saw the person again. i'm still someone's wife. a relationship with someone else right now would just be a diversion at best.

but i know what i wrote below are things i hope for and i believe them wholly. they are part real from past experiences, part made up. it is a compilation..



he would talk to me. i could understand him. he would understand me. he gets me. i get him. i don't have to repeat myself. it's not a one-sided conversation.

he'd tell me that he loves to see me blush. that my skin is soft. i have beautiful eyes. he'd appreciate my curves. my tummy. my shyness. my sexiness. it would be a gift to have someone find me me sexy.it's hard to believe this 47-year-post-baby-rejected-body is sexy... that a man would find me sexy. his eyes would be on me, only on me.

he'd bring me chocolates. not each time we saw each other, but just enough to remind me that he listened that one time I told him I liked chocolate. he'd be thoughtful and allow me to enjoy feeling liked. a lot.

he'd be smart — really smart. amazing. apologetic. he'd believe in me. think i'm funny. i'd make him laugh. he'd tell me i'm beautiful — often — and even more than that, he tell me i'm sweet. he'd be my advocate, my champion. 


he'd make me feel alive again, beautiful, wanted, worth-while. i'd love having conversations with him. i'd appreciate that he would tread lightly, take it slow, know that my heart is willing but not as fearless as it used to be. he would keep his commitments, even tho he'd love to be with me. then there would be occasions he'd make time to be with me — rearranging his schedule if need be. he'd like my cooking and my burnt food. he'd tease me. and i would love everything about being loved by him. he would kiss me over and over again. he'd kiss me everywhere i want to be kissed, respectfully stopping just short of paradise. he would be romantic, persistent, and consistent. each night he would send me off with sweet dreams and each morning with a hello. sometimes he'd check in with me during the day. he'd be spiritual, honest, naturally easy to talk to. he'd say what's on his mind, making sense when he talks. i'd understand him. he would actually understand me. i wouldn't have to repeat myself. he'd get it. he'd get me. (the opposite of everything X is and was.)

he'd tread gently with me b/c he know i've been wronged. he'd say things like, X did you a favor. X is a selfish, pr*ck crispy man who has hardened his heart. he'd even go so far as to say that each day i'd have to remind myself that i married beneath me. {someone actually did say this to me} i have never been told that before, not so directly. he'd know i've been hurt badly and not take advantage of that. when i say X will ruin my credit, he'd remind me X already has.

he would just
GET IT.

i could trust him. he wouldn't need to snoop. {even better, i wouldn't need to snoop.} he would ask me directly anything he'd want to know. he'd hold my hand, let me sink into his chest, put his strong arms around me. he would absolutely think the best of me and see the good in me.



this is what i'd want to happen:

my heart skips a beat when he calls. when he writes. when he texts. when he says he's thinking of me. my heart leaps when he says he's on his way. when he shows up. when he opens the door for me. when he pulls me close and looks into my eyes. when he lightly, softly kisses me. when he walks up behind me, brushes my hair away and melodiously kisses my neck.... his breath tingling my back. i get butterflies when he compliments me. when he notices all the little things about me that have always gone unnoticed, unappreciated. my heart skips a beat when he holds me tightly, pulls me closer to him. when he makes me wait. and wait. and wait. he's patient. much more patient than i am. and he's a gentleman. he only kisses me the way i want to be kissed when we are alone. and he wont go any further than is appropriate. he lets me enter a room first, holding the door for me. he will tell me i look great. that i smell good. that i'm attractive. that he likes the scarf i'm wearing; that he loves the hat i have fashioned on. he notices it all. he misses nothing. and remembers every detail.

he appreciates everything i say and do. i can't control him, not one bit. but i can make his knees buckle and he makes me weak in the knees.

he's a man. he's sweet. kind. gentle. light. strong. thoughtful. confident. secure. not possessive. encouraging. cute. tall. talented. spiritual. exciting. adventurous. human. loves the outdoors. loves to read. loves being a father. loves to talk. loves to listen. loves that i love my job. finds everything about me acceptable. i feel good with him. i feel normal. i feel understood. i feel there's no roller coaster of emotions. 


i would have, finally, a small semblance of a personal life again, and it would be so refreshing.

he might have the power to hurt my feelings but he would have the humility to apologize and make things right. he'd be warm, gentle and kind.

he'd let me be me. i could do what i need. he would want me to be independent and not be clingy. he wouldn't need me, but would enjoy his time with me. he'd have a life, friends, passions, interests. everything would make sense. he'd have a healthy outlook, be educated, spiritual, maybe a father even — and if not, he'd love my son like Oliver was his own. and maybe he'd
even write me one-line love poems and 4-line sonnets (technically not a sonnet). he would say he hears music when we are together. and i would hear music when he's gone.


 . . . . . . . . . .


August 25, 2011

the blueberries are on sale. from bayfield wisconsin.

knife thru my heart. while oh-so-glorious; those organic little blue pearls remind me of a time that is no more. funny how such a little thing as blueberries can send me spinning. oh what has happened to what was once a marriage that i thought would never end? he is no longer the man i married, not within reach, ever illusive, gone, gone daddy gone
Your love is gone
Gone daddy gone
The love is gone away


It's been about 7 full days of anxiety and pain. The blog is depressing and i no longer chose to write about the pain. But it's there. The hurt, the heart ache, the broken-hearted feeling. Empty. Rejected. Unwanted. Unloved. Practically despised.

What is it that I do in relationships that make men hate me so? Why my last lover looks the other way when he sees me. He wont even issue a wispy hello. It's a glimpse, a double-take, and then a carry on. Moving on.

Oh who cares about him anyway. I don't. He's undeserving, and he looked awful thank goodness for that. I knew it was him tho by the way he walked. Hard to forget a person's gait.

The green lake weekend came and went and my heart burned, and I still ache, and I still have woes and regrets and if onlys and just this coming face to face with my powerlessness just sucks! it wholeheartedly sucks! and i get laughed at. scorned. move on! they say. depressing! they say. your blog is hard to read sometimes. phhht. Fine. so i put on a happy face. after all, who wants to come back to a depressed wife?

my therapist says i will be ready to date when i am no longer depressed. i think i am free to fly on my own and then god dammit, there are so many anniversaries, birthday's, goddamn holidays and for fuck's sake, a million and one events that we would do together.

a million little losses. that's what all this is.

and if you talk to my ex, he's the victim. not me. he is on this "path" says he. wtf. where's your family on this path? what are we, just flippin firewood for you to burn?

piss me off. oh how i'd love to print this if i could, but i can't because you might read it at some point and then make my life miserable. oh be it that there is another nail in my coffin if i so much as blog about you and me anymore. i have no place to go, no place to turn. nothing makes this pain in my heart go away. it's been a year and.... may, june, july, august.... 4 months. Tortured, pining away for you for almost 16 full months, getting nothing much in return. Nothing. A few smiles here and there. It's all about you isnt it. You were nicer back in October of last year. Oh how I wish I could have that month back. Anything to have that month back.

and i'm trying to remember when it was that i last felt loved by you. when was the last bit of feeling? because right now there is none. i'm nothing much to you. the mother of your child. oh how i hate life sometimes. how this can happen to me. to us. what happened matt? how did this happen?

the lump in my throat has moved down towards my heart. i'm breaking in two. i can barely stand it and all i want is to fall back, to faint and have you catch me before i hit the ground, and tell me you love me and that this nightmare is over.

oh but it is not and the concrete ground hits and hurts and my head is bruised and i get up, brush myself off and take my own self to the hospital. I come home and it's quiet. the house, a mess. alone. i find my way to my bed and find comfort in the softness of the mattress. i am curled up. playing a game of solitaire to quickly pass the time until i can no longer lift my lids. i grow tired and weary and i don't think about any of this. i fall asleep and sleep is good ... usually. sleep is where i move to another place, usually some sort of pleasure, altho my dreams as of late have not included you. you see i have this new life now and it does not include you and i'm getting used to it, and i am ok. i survive and care for me, for oliver, knowing that soon, in a few months or in a year, i will have to face the music that we are no longer a we anymore. and i wonder, daily i wonder if i will ever get over you. i wonder how i will feel when we divorce. if i can forgive you for leaving me for breaking up our family for turning all three lives up side down, just because you can't find it in yourself to try with me one more time. i just don't get that. i was told to be grateful i don't understand it yet that does not stop me from questioning it. how can a man leave a beautiful woman, a woman who wants to give him everything. and a son. how? how can he do that? how? and he doesn't answer. you never tell matt. and i am left not knowing, not knowing a thing.

it's finally hurting matt. to the point where i am so jealous of others. and i despair. will i ever ever find happiness again? i'm afraid i wont. my heart hurts so badly. i just want to sleep, sleep sleep this pain away. i dread my mornings still. true, not as bad as before, but i do not want to face these days. it's all so hard. all i want is for you to show up, just once, just once, just one little try.

and i asked you to counseling. and you refuse. you speak no words of us. i am nothing to you. i mean very little to you. you think poorly of me. and i just want to curl up in a ball and awaken in another time, where i don't have to feel like this anymore.

Comments

  1. Hi Andrea, this is Jane Freeberg. I was one of your best customers back in the 80's and 90's. I worked for Hyatt Hotels and then Manpower. I lived in Juneau Village. I still have 10 of the custom t-shirts you made for me, a night stand, a dresser and a jean jacket you painted for me. My 19 yr. old daughter loves that jacket and wears it all of the time. Anyway, I have great memories of visiting you while you had a booth at Bastille Days. I always had hoped that someone discovered you and that you could have made it big with your art work. You were so talented! I would love to touch base sometime. You could find me on Facebook. Hope you are well. ~ Jane

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jane,

    Hi! This is amazing. I was thinking about you recently and had no recollection of how to find you, your last name, etc. NONE!

    I'm so happy you found me! That's amazing. How did you ever find me??? I have a new last name since you last saw me!

    I just tried to connect with you on FB. :)

    I cannot believe one of your kids is now 19. Time has really passed! Wow. I saw her photo on fb... she's beautiful! Are you still married? (Tim?)

    Hopefully we can connect again soon. I still am doing creative work, mostly in the digital realm now. :)

    Please don't be a stranger.

    x o x o
    Andrea

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