My Mind Spirals and I Want to Give Up

 So much to think about. On one hand I'm so close to resolving a few things that I felt have been holding me back. 

On the other hand, there is this horrible thing that happens to my brain. It’s a hopeless place that I visit and I peek at what I know is a powerful black hole that will suck me in, gladly so. And then all is lost. 

I spiraled downhill yesterday into dangerous territory. The thing that I fear most when I stand up for myself or speak up, happened. The winds changed and the fingers were pointed at me. 

THIS IS WHY I NEVER SAY ANYTHING. 

It’s happened with a sister.

It’s happened with a brother.

It’s happened with a friend. 

It’s happened with the ex-husband.

It’s happened with the ex-boyfriend.

So does that mean I need to drop the friend? Another huge loss in my life, in a year that is already facing tremendous loss... my father, my family. Do I face another loss? Do I try to defend myself? 

THIS IS WHY I NEVER EVER SAY ANYTHING!

I stood up to my sister and the biggest fight ensued. She bullied me with her toxic breath. Oh how I can't stand her and will be happy to never see her, deal with her, again. (Horrible thought: if my other sister dies, I will see her at the funeral.)

I stood up to my brother and he EXPLODED at me. 

I stood up to my SIL and she told me to "Let it go" and she got angry. And she would not listen to me. 

WHO ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE? How the hell did I survive life with them? No wonder I was so depressed.

Now a friend was quick to point out my flaws when I made a joke about someone in her life. And she did the exact same thing that these other folks did. Only she is a tad more reasonable. So I have to decide if my life is better off without this person, which means there is a huge huge loss in my life bc I love her children so much and to not get along with her is the end of a huge big giant part of my life. She has made sure to invite me to her holidays and they've become a surrogate family to me. I have NO family. None. I have a niece and nephew here in town and we are on good terms. But no dinners, no holidays, no birthdays, no gatherings. Just occasional texts. But nothing that is "family." 

So I'm heartbroken and hurting and yesterday I could not function. I'm almost 60 and still dealing with life problems. This is why sometimes I feel that life after this life has to be so much better. I can't deal with this pain in my heart anymore. And to leave Oliver behind would kill him. He’d be in so much pain, alone, and he'd be so broken. So I push on, one more day. 

I just look forward to the next life when I can stop hurting and not being heard, loved, understood by others. I think that is what hurts so much.

So if I were ever to end my own life, it would be because:

My brother, his wife, his kids. My sister. My dad is gone. And maybe this too, this last argument. One more person who spins the tale so that it’s my fault and not theirs. And who thinks poorly of me. And who doesn't understand me and will try to put me down so that I hate myself even more than I already do. 

The thing is, I have to make sure that if I leave this earth, my old family will not be here going through my things. I have no idea who would do that. I need to get some things in writing. Not regarding leaving on my own, but if I were to leave due to illness or an accident.

I'm just so so so so sad today again. I have to try hard to function.