Happy February, BeReal, and OMG

Wowza, it’s February already. We are FREEZING. It’s snowy and so darn cold out (which means it’s cold inside).

Revelations continue as I am evaluating relationships and my opinion of MYSELF. Yes, my own self... I’ve pondered the thought yesterday, “What if I am all that?” 

And then I became giddy. 

OK first, BeReal. It’s a new app my son told me about where you take one photo per day of what is in front of you and then quickly after that, a selfie. No filters. And only one per day. You can't see other people's photos until you post your own. You also never know when the "BeReal" notice will come out. It’s different each day.

Looking at a month's of photos, I can see a small snapshot of my life. WOW!!! I am busy! I am with people often. I am really a social butterfly. It’s crazy how this app is changing my perspective of myself. I had been thinking I am alone, I do nothing, I am single and not dating (as if that is the only thing that defines me), and I have no life. When in reality my last month's photos show the following:

1. home with Oliver
2. home alone
3. driving
4. home with Megan cleaning the basement
5. at Steve’s with friends watching the game
6. home alone
7. at Brea’s with friends
8. driving
9. home alone
10. shopping with friends in Chicago
11. hanging with friends in a hotel room
12. home alone
13. home alone
14. home alone
15. home alone
16. throwing axes with friends
17. home with Oliver, molly, and bash
18. same
19. home alone
20. home alone work
21. home entertaining friends
22. home with Oliver
23. at Kathy's 
24. on lakefront walk
25. home alone cleaning
26. home alone watching the game
27. driving Oliver
28. getting hair done

Granted, the app is only a snapshot. On some of those days, I was actually with friends. But let's just analyze the data presented.

11/28 days I was alone

11/28 days I was entertaining or out socially 

3/28 I was out and about

3/28 I was sitting home with Oliver

In reality:

Almost every day I work at home

16/28 days I saw Oliver

24/28 days I saw friends, extended family, or clients

Holy Cow! My social life is not DULL by any means!

OK now to the OMG

I’ve really been struggling with a friend and it’s taken up quite a bit of my time when I meet with Beth. Beth pointed out that this friend is really there for me in my low times, but ... and get this ... Beth noticed a pattern! This friend is not there for me during my GOOD times. In fact, when I am feeling confident or happy about something, she puts whatever I am excited about "down". Not sure if that makes sense, but it did to me (and that's what truly matters). 

Beth explained that something is going on with this friend. There is something going on in this woman's life and she is unhappy. Because she is unhappy, when she sees someone else being happy, she has to knock them down a bit. This person complains a LOT about almost everything in her life. And then at the same time, she brags a bit about some things in her life... which is just plain odd. 

It always made me feel bad that I had these feelings about her... that she is not genuine; some of the advice was to hold me back. 

Shaming me for my decisions (spending money on myself or my apartment, having too many friends, bringing things to her attention when I was questioning her) or criticizing my decisions inadvertently (camps for Oliver, what I eat, how long it takes me to process things, how I spend my time)... it’s not like she says, That is a bad decision to send Oliver to camp. It’s more like, I never sent my son to camp and he turned out just fine. Or I never would spend money on magazines. We can't afford it. 

My biggest one that I have lingering was when Matt and I wanted to have a baby. Such a HUGE decision! I was going to school at the time and she said, like a mom, Don't have a baby now. You will be too busy with school. And guess what? I looked up to her at the time. I thought she had her whole life put together. I thought she KNEW everything. And I said, OK, you're right. And so I told Matt no to a baby. ALL BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO DO. And yes, I have Oliver. And yes, I might not have had Oliver if I had a baby back then. And yes, school was crazy busy. And yes, maybe I would not have had such great grades. And yes wed have been poor. 

But maybe other things would have happened. Maybe I'd have worked harder and gotten a better job than one that paid me $23K my senior year of college ... $27K when I graduated. Oh lord, how did I accept such a low paying job? I was just happy to be where I was I guess. 

Still... 

No more listening to ANYONE ELSE BUT ME.

That is what I am realizing. 

No one but no one has my best intentions but me. And it’s time for me to BeReal... get real, listen and pray to God. And listen to GOD! And to put my best foot forward and ask for enlightenment and take charge and let people go who are holding me back! I am not ANYONE'S PUPPET and I am not anyone's business. NO ONE knows more than me what I should do in my life except GOD. 

I am done with people holding me back or who think less of me.

That means, as soon as this property is sold, some of my family members are OUT. CUT OFF permanently. 

Social media, phones calls and texts and email. CUT OFF. My cousin Billy did it. He cut off the entire family. And I will too. Soon. Very soon.

I need to be free from them and from anyone who holds me back or tries to keep me down.