Meditation — Our New Home

 I’m imaging my bedroom, the windows, the space. The view to the backyard. The sunshine. The comfort of the 4 walls. The price does not matter. I am content and I know that I provided this for us — this is where we are meant to be and with God's help, I made that happen for us. I have never been happier. And I need nothing more in my life. I don’t need bigger. I don’t need better. If anything, I need less things in our lives; we only need a few things to have comforts. I am peaceful. I am experiencing contentment, serenity and happiness. And I have more time because I have less mental energy wasted on things and taking care of them.

My bedroom has a bed, a rug. A light fixture in the ceiling that is like a butterfly in the room. The area rug anchors the room. A dresser with only a few clothes. And few things on the top. Two side tables. Maybe a chair. A mirror. Bedside lamps; I already have all that I need for that room. 

The hallway has a long runner, smooth and soft, tacked to the floor. It feels good in the morning when I walk from the bedroom to the bathroom, or from my bedroom to my kitchen where I feed the cats and make my morning coffee. Then I head to the bathroom, barefoot, as the coffee brews. I can hear the cats eating breakfast. 

My coffee is ready. I stand in the kitchen for a moment. In the summer, the window is open, and I wish for sunshine. I walk back down the hall, step into the back  hall/laundry room, head outside to the patio. I sink into my outdoor sofa... maybe this one is bigger than the one I currently have. 

I sip the coffee, read my texts, check my email. Perhaps I play music, which of course, wakes Oliver.

He finds his way outside, wiping the sleep from his eyes, looking for a reassuring hug from his mom. He sits and he’s happy too... finally, we are set and we don't have to worry about leaving anymore. Mom can pay the bills and we can relax.

He heads in for his shower. I head inside too, get dressed to start my day.

…

I imagine pulling into the driveway. Do I always come in through the back door? We rarely use the front door; that's just for guests or to collect mail. The front closet will house our games perhaps and a few coats. We live through the back entrance.

…

The new apartment...

I know what happened and I have learned my lesson. No more panic. No more pressure. Look... there is ABSOLUTELY no one else to take care of me and Oliver EXCEPT FOR ME. I need to remember that. It is ON ME and I need to stop worrying about what people think of me. I need to remember to ask myself this: “What is best for me and Oliver?”. 

What is best for my mental health?

Why do I put what someone thinks of me, their feelings first, before my own? Why are they more important than me? What’s worse, why are they more important than me and Oliver? I signed this lease bc I felt pressure. The guy MADE me feel pressured. PRESSURED. I had to make a decision or else... or else what? Or else he would move on and even though he had a month more or two months to rent the apartment, he made me feel that if I did not sign, that was the end. He would not consider me again. Even if he had an availability. I was worried this chance would be gone. And I felt so darn guilty! I felt guilty because I called him and asked him to reconsider the cats. And he got back to me and said, fine. Cats are fine. FOR YOU... because I like you so much.

What I wanted? I wanted to take a chance. I wanted to wait one more month. If the apartment was available, I would rent it. If it was not, I had a backup plan.

But he did not like that idea. He wanted me to decide now. DECIDE. And I was thinking... geez, I did decide didn't I? I gave you my money, did I not? Another mistake. Never ever EVER again give someone a deposit until you sign the lease. UGH, how could I be so stupid. 

… 

Back to my WFB home... in the garage is our sectional sofa. I have ordered a new sofa, one that fits our house. Oliver has a hangout in the garage! A TV, a sofa, a small fridge. The chest freezer is in there too. One of these summers I insulate the garage and put up drywall. I heat the garage! It’s so nice for my car, but it’s nice for Oliver and his friends. TV, games, and more. Their hangout.  Heck, maybe even the toaster oven can be in there for his pizzas. ;) 

The house has minimal things. I have a credenza in the dining room, a small one. And a small bar. This is how I store wine and cocktail glasses. Maybe I've opened up the wall to the kitchen a bit more. Maybe this room only holds a round table and 4 chairs. 

Deb, Jeff and Steve come over for the game. The living room can entertain a small group, not a large one. Or maybe we all go into the garage to watch the game. 

In the summer we have a cookout. I can host a bible study or book club. Or maybe I can host a small group! Finally, a place that is ours and a place I am proud to own. 

And people will ask, what did you pay? How can you afford this? It’s too much money. Let them criticize me for I am happy and content. And I did this. And it works for us. And there is a yard with a new fence and we have a dog and two cats and my son has a home and we are good.