All My Ex's Live in Shorewood
Strange days, this is for sure. Yes, a couple ex's moved here, of all places. I don't own the town, but I wish I did because I would not have let 'em in. ;)
Moving on here... time for an update. My last post was a bit of a trip back to memory lane in terms of one of those ex's (which I can happily report does not live in Shorewood). When money becomes an issue — a really big issue, such as faced with limited choices involving losing your home, apartment, car, or more — it can color your entire world in shades of black. And that is exactly what was happening at the time. I was reliving a lot of old hurts and decided to vomit them into a blog post.
I really have moved on from my ex's. All of them. The two that live here don't bother me much; I don't see them. (And they literally live right around the corner from me.) I am worth more now than I thought I was worth back when I was with them. I see it as their loss and my saving grace to not be with them anymore.
My value has increased, which is good. I am finally finding the confidence in myself, my worth, my self-esteem. And I'm not even a size 4 anymore. Not even a size 6! Not even an 8! (I'll stop right there.) Because I know I’m not defined (entirely) by my body size. It’s a reflection of my struggle, but it doesn't lessen my value or worth.
Money helps too. As do my friends. My home is clean, even under the bed, and that feels amazing. I've made my bed for 34 days in a row now, heh heh, not that it matters, but it matters to me. Last summer, fall, and winter were dark days in some ways. I could not shake the feelings of disgust I had with myself. My body and my home reflected those feelings.
To change, I cleaned under my bed, in the drawers, the junk drawers, and I kept things off the floor. How? I confessed my vulnerable needs to my two life long buds. They took charge and did the heavy lifting, literally, until the sunlight filtered in and I had space to breathe. I felt lighter, and I no longer felt shame. This is what good friends do for each other. Friends—good friends—are like a healthy family. They might not be forced to spend the holidays with you, but they are your brothers and sisters. My life was changed and there's no way I'm going back to that dark dungeon of shame again.
Money has been flowing in. I can't stop it. Every few weeks I receive a new email or phone call or text from someone who is interested in a new website. Bills are getting paid (YAY) and my savings account is filling up again too. The Door County cottage is renting like crazy and my ex-husband has paused on selling it, giving me more time to get financing. Has someone with direct access to the Divine been praying for me?
My dad is needy, even more so with this pandemic. Somehow our roles have reversed and I now have my power back. He seems to know the value his kids bring to him, and when he forgets, I remind him. He’s still crabby, grumpy, angry, and depressed at times, but I understand it. He was not always the best father, but he raised me, provided food and shelter, and paid for my college education. He is part of the reason why I have had such low self-worth. I’m an adult now, have had a lot of 1-1 sessions with therapists (some good, some bad) and now the responsibility lies within me to value myself. It’s no longer my dad's.
In conclusion, and I hate this phrase btw, things have seemed to turn around for me. It’s been a year without a job, I'm still not dating, I'm 50lbs overweight and only a few months away from not being able to pay my bills again, but something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it. My ex is a good guy. His wife and I are kind of friends. My friendships are awesome (you know who you are ladies and gents). My son is the sweetest child in the world, truly a gift. My home is beautiful and I love it. My Airbnb has been great, and my guests have been lovely. And a few websites are coming in keeping my bills paid. My dad is OK. His sweetheart, Dotti is OK although declining pretty rapidly. And my son is set to start middle school in a couple weeks. The weather has been lovely.
This is enough for me. Today, I have all I need and I am happy.