Please, Make This Heart Ache Go AWAY!
I'm not sure what is going on right now, but for the past few days my heart has been feeling just like when it’s broken. The heartache is relentless and will not go away. It feels as if "something is happening right at this moment and I can't stop it". That is how it felt when Matt left. Maybe I am reliving a bit of trauma?
In Bible Study this morning I could not talk at times because I had to hold back tears. One mother talked about her awesome Mother's Day. I held back tears. Mine was not so great and I really don't know why.
The day went like this:
Oliver was here.
But he woke up at 10am and I had two hours of non-stop crying prior to his waking up. I felt so sad and alone, and I was actually hating the day and wishing it would end soon. He made a nice breakfast, but the things I wanted to do we never did unless I did them. I wanted a fire in the fireplace, so I went to get wood, Oliver did not. I wanted to clean off the dining room table. I did that while Oliver.... I don't know what he was doing. I wanted to play board games... I can't tell you why that never happened. We did get to watch a really fun movie tho and that was fun. The whole day I just wanted to cry. Is it the cottage? Is is the fact that don't have rent money for June yet? That I will have to apply for a mortgage in name only, hoping to God my father will co-sign papers for me? A father who treats me like a loser? Who says I spend money like it’s water? Who says he will do what I need but if I ask he makes me pay for it? Is it that I feel no one really understands?
Starting to feel depressed again and guilty for not being the happy chirpy mother I should be. Even in my divorce I was fun and playful with my son, hiding every single painful thought behind a smile and soft, focused voice. I was so focused on Oliver when he was little and now I can barely muster up the energy to go check on him once he’s asleep. I do it out of guilt because all I want to do right now is be alone and not talk to anyone. Just be alone and watch everything crumble. And expect people to understand. Now THAT is fucked up!
Of course, I can't do that and so I fight to work and stay upbeat and force myself to be present for my son, but if I am to be honest, I am not as present as I used to be. Most of it is forced.
Honestly, I just want a job. A job that I can go to every day and be with others and feel like I'm smart again and sit at a desk and produce great work and watch my bank account get filled up every two weeks and feel like an adult who can pay her bills. Not this adult who is watching it all pile up around me until it all topples onto me.
I realize I was the happiest when I was working even tho I was not loving the place I was working at. I knew I wanted another job but was trying to get back on my feet again after being poor for a few years. I had fallen behind on bills again and in Jan 2019 I had this awesome opportunity. I was making money and $20 bucks felt like a quarter you pop into a parking meter. Today, $20 buys so much and is so valuable that I savor every dollar of it. Then? $200 was not even too much to spend on something we needed. Paying bills was a JOY, a TRUE JOY THAT FELT LIKE A PRIVILEGE. Paying bills was a gift, so much so that I paid more and more and more of what I owed until I was just "this" close to being completely done with paying everyone I owed. And then bam. Lost my job. And all that wonderful supplemental income BECAME my income. And it was just enough to pay rent and pay for that car and the massive cost of insurance and buy food and ... well, that's all. And the rest of the bills started piling up again.
And they piled. And piled. And there was a wedding. And a plane ticket. And a wedding gift to my nephew and what little I had, I had to pay for something special, I mean I held him when he was born! And so all the income from the cottage went to paying what absolutely needed to be paid in order to not lose the life I was living. And in December I realized I was at the end of my rope. And a friend stopped in and helped me out. Big time. And now I'm at the end of the rope again. WHAT. THE FUCK.
How is it that a person is talented, educated, kind, and easy to work with but cannot get a job? How? How? How? HOW?!!!
Do you know how frustrating this is?
And who will loan me money for the cottage? No bank. No bank would without a job. No bank would when I HAD a job.
...............
So I blame Matt and to be honest, if that cottage sells this summer I will never talk to him again for the rest of my life, even though I know he has every legal right to do so.
I lost all I had because of him. All my money. I paid for his insurance, gave him money when he left me, and he bankrupted me and never wanted to see Oliver. I took care of Oliver. Matt wanted to chase girls. And he did. He chased a few of them until one day he found one -- the one he’s married to now. And he convinced her that I was spoiled and greedy and demanding; he convinced her that I was a loser and he was a King. And he convinced her that I was toxic and he was not. And what she could not see what that I had been beaten up both physically, financially and emotionally. That he was a porn addict. That he stole money from me. That he took Oliver's money that my dad had given us. That he walked out of our lives with $7000 in the safe and left me with nothing in the bank. That i was still working and he was so broke that I had to give him money. That other people felt sorry for him and had him over for every holiday while my own heart was breaking like crazy. That I could not function at work because little by little I was finding out about his lies. He never told me he was foreclosing on all 23 properties. I didn't know that when he left. I could not focus at work. I wen to the library every day at work to write in a journal and cry my eyes out in my car. Drying my tears, reapplying make up and heading back into work. I could not eat and went down to 110 lbs... every week my jeans were falling off me until size 4 didn't fit. Then size 2 didn't fit. Then size 1 didn't fit. Then I was a size 0. For reals.
And little by little the facts starting filtering in. The truth. The truth behind his lies. He was seeing another woman. He was sleeping with her and we were still married. He told me we might get back together. Later he told me that he needed to keep me hanging on in case he wanted to come home. His wife doesn't know these things. She just thinks I was a mean toxic bitch who he is lucky he got away from. Instead, he was leap years ahead of me in terms of moving on. He kept me hanging on telling me he had not made u his mind even while he was still dating Amy, his current wife.
And then one day she makes fun of me, puts me down for the fact that I am "still in love with him" (back in 2015) and I wasn't in love with him at that time. Not at all. But I was not as far along as he was in terms of letting go. He kept me hanging on for years. All that while, he was moving on, he played me just in case.
He said, I'm afraid to let you go because i know if I do, you will find someone else right away. Someone will snatch you up and you'll be gone forever and what if I made a mistake? What if I need you back and you're gone? So he had to find someone else and be sure so that he could finally let me go. And when he finally let me go, I was 2-3 years behind him in terms of moving on.
And finally, I lost my job. I was "laid off" and I kept asking my boss of all the designers there, why did you choose me. He could not answer that. But looking back, I know. I know why. Because I was barely functioning at my job. My desk disorganized. The work was not coming in and I could not keep busy so I did some digging to find out what was happening in my life. I took long lunches because I had to write in my journal and see Oliver and just try to "be" because I was just barely surviving back in those days. And if the work is not coming in and they need to let someone go who better than the woman who can't stop crying at work for the last two years?
And what he did in the marriage? I haven't even gone there yet. How he used me and my credit to buy properties and then he destroyed what he had built up and he took me down with him. He destroyed me and my credit too.
And when I met him he had no money and he was in debt. He let me manage his money for him and on the day we got married he (I) had made the last payment to his creditor and he was debt-free. When we married in 1999, he was no longer in debt.
............
But today? He’s changed. Suddenly he’s healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Now he's a caring husband, manages money, has a successful business, and pays for everything in the family. His wife no longer has to work. She thinks he’s great because he went to every prenatal appt, but that is what I had asked of me. He brings her coffee in bed, but that is what I did for him. Every single day, I was dressed and went off to work and left a lipstick kiss on his cheek with his coffee by his bedside. He slept in every day.
But now he’s changed. He’s up at 5am. He’s the breadwinner. He’s the great daddy. He’s the responsible one who is so smart, plus he cooks and oh-isn't he fabulous.
He’s the smart one and I'm the dummy. He’s responsible. I am not. He's healthy and I am toxic. He is happy. I am not. This is exactly what he thinks of me and this is how he talks to me. He is so sick and so unhealthy but I am the one who is the bitch nd the one who he takes his hatred and resentment out on. Me. The mother of his child (who he does not always lift up).
And this is what i have worked hard to "get off me". His thoughts of me and my father's thoughts of me and my ex-boyfriend's thoughts of me ARE NOT WHO I AM and they do not define me and they do not describe me and they are all wrong. And so are my ex-boss' thoughts of me, the woman who made sure I was fired for my mistake.
The only people who really get me are my friends... Debbie. Pamela. Ann. Sarah. Kathy. Maggie. Cris. Sue. Jenny. Amy B. Angela from LA. Cynthia. Jean. Mary. Rega. Melissa. And I'm sure a few more who I am missing right now.
................
So after all this writing my heart STILL hurts really bad. Ugh. I wish it would go away.
In Bible Study this morning I could not talk at times because I had to hold back tears. One mother talked about her awesome Mother's Day. I held back tears. Mine was not so great and I really don't know why.
The day went like this:
Oliver was here.
But he woke up at 10am and I had two hours of non-stop crying prior to his waking up. I felt so sad and alone, and I was actually hating the day and wishing it would end soon. He made a nice breakfast, but the things I wanted to do we never did unless I did them. I wanted a fire in the fireplace, so I went to get wood, Oliver did not. I wanted to clean off the dining room table. I did that while Oliver.... I don't know what he was doing. I wanted to play board games... I can't tell you why that never happened. We did get to watch a really fun movie tho and that was fun. The whole day I just wanted to cry. Is it the cottage? Is is the fact that don't have rent money for June yet? That I will have to apply for a mortgage in name only, hoping to God my father will co-sign papers for me? A father who treats me like a loser? Who says I spend money like it’s water? Who says he will do what I need but if I ask he makes me pay for it? Is it that I feel no one really understands?
Starting to feel depressed again and guilty for not being the happy chirpy mother I should be. Even in my divorce I was fun and playful with my son, hiding every single painful thought behind a smile and soft, focused voice. I was so focused on Oliver when he was little and now I can barely muster up the energy to go check on him once he’s asleep. I do it out of guilt because all I want to do right now is be alone and not talk to anyone. Just be alone and watch everything crumble. And expect people to understand. Now THAT is fucked up!
Of course, I can't do that and so I fight to work and stay upbeat and force myself to be present for my son, but if I am to be honest, I am not as present as I used to be. Most of it is forced.
Honestly, I just want a job. A job that I can go to every day and be with others and feel like I'm smart again and sit at a desk and produce great work and watch my bank account get filled up every two weeks and feel like an adult who can pay her bills. Not this adult who is watching it all pile up around me until it all topples onto me.
I realize I was the happiest when I was working even tho I was not loving the place I was working at. I knew I wanted another job but was trying to get back on my feet again after being poor for a few years. I had fallen behind on bills again and in Jan 2019 I had this awesome opportunity. I was making money and $20 bucks felt like a quarter you pop into a parking meter. Today, $20 buys so much and is so valuable that I savor every dollar of it. Then? $200 was not even too much to spend on something we needed. Paying bills was a JOY, a TRUE JOY THAT FELT LIKE A PRIVILEGE. Paying bills was a gift, so much so that I paid more and more and more of what I owed until I was just "this" close to being completely done with paying everyone I owed. And then bam. Lost my job. And all that wonderful supplemental income BECAME my income. And it was just enough to pay rent and pay for that car and the massive cost of insurance and buy food and ... well, that's all. And the rest of the bills started piling up again.
And they piled. And piled. And there was a wedding. And a plane ticket. And a wedding gift to my nephew and what little I had, I had to pay for something special, I mean I held him when he was born! And so all the income from the cottage went to paying what absolutely needed to be paid in order to not lose the life I was living. And in December I realized I was at the end of my rope. And a friend stopped in and helped me out. Big time. And now I'm at the end of the rope again. WHAT. THE FUCK.
How is it that a person is talented, educated, kind, and easy to work with but cannot get a job? How? How? How? HOW?!!!
Do you know how frustrating this is?
And who will loan me money for the cottage? No bank. No bank would without a job. No bank would when I HAD a job.
...............
So I blame Matt and to be honest, if that cottage sells this summer I will never talk to him again for the rest of my life, even though I know he has every legal right to do so.
I lost all I had because of him. All my money. I paid for his insurance, gave him money when he left me, and he bankrupted me and never wanted to see Oliver. I took care of Oliver. Matt wanted to chase girls. And he did. He chased a few of them until one day he found one -- the one he’s married to now. And he convinced her that I was spoiled and greedy and demanding; he convinced her that I was a loser and he was a King. And he convinced her that I was toxic and he was not. And what she could not see what that I had been beaten up both physically, financially and emotionally. That he was a porn addict. That he stole money from me. That he took Oliver's money that my dad had given us. That he walked out of our lives with $7000 in the safe and left me with nothing in the bank. That i was still working and he was so broke that I had to give him money. That other people felt sorry for him and had him over for every holiday while my own heart was breaking like crazy. That I could not function at work because little by little I was finding out about his lies. He never told me he was foreclosing on all 23 properties. I didn't know that when he left. I could not focus at work. I wen to the library every day at work to write in a journal and cry my eyes out in my car. Drying my tears, reapplying make up and heading back into work. I could not eat and went down to 110 lbs... every week my jeans were falling off me until size 4 didn't fit. Then size 2 didn't fit. Then size 1 didn't fit. Then I was a size 0. For reals.
And little by little the facts starting filtering in. The truth. The truth behind his lies. He was seeing another woman. He was sleeping with her and we were still married. He told me we might get back together. Later he told me that he needed to keep me hanging on in case he wanted to come home. His wife doesn't know these things. She just thinks I was a mean toxic bitch who he is lucky he got away from. Instead, he was leap years ahead of me in terms of moving on. He kept me hanging on telling me he had not made u his mind even while he was still dating Amy, his current wife.
And then one day she makes fun of me, puts me down for the fact that I am "still in love with him" (back in 2015) and I wasn't in love with him at that time. Not at all. But I was not as far along as he was in terms of letting go. He kept me hanging on for years. All that while, he was moving on, he played me just in case.
He said, I'm afraid to let you go because i know if I do, you will find someone else right away. Someone will snatch you up and you'll be gone forever and what if I made a mistake? What if I need you back and you're gone? So he had to find someone else and be sure so that he could finally let me go. And when he finally let me go, I was 2-3 years behind him in terms of moving on.
And finally, I lost my job. I was "laid off" and I kept asking my boss of all the designers there, why did you choose me. He could not answer that. But looking back, I know. I know why. Because I was barely functioning at my job. My desk disorganized. The work was not coming in and I could not keep busy so I did some digging to find out what was happening in my life. I took long lunches because I had to write in my journal and see Oliver and just try to "be" because I was just barely surviving back in those days. And if the work is not coming in and they need to let someone go who better than the woman who can't stop crying at work for the last two years?
And what he did in the marriage? I haven't even gone there yet. How he used me and my credit to buy properties and then he destroyed what he had built up and he took me down with him. He destroyed me and my credit too.
And when I met him he had no money and he was in debt. He let me manage his money for him and on the day we got married he (I) had made the last payment to his creditor and he was debt-free. When we married in 1999, he was no longer in debt.
............
But today? He’s changed. Suddenly he’s healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Now he's a caring husband, manages money, has a successful business, and pays for everything in the family. His wife no longer has to work. She thinks he’s great because he went to every prenatal appt, but that is what I had asked of me. He brings her coffee in bed, but that is what I did for him. Every single day, I was dressed and went off to work and left a lipstick kiss on his cheek with his coffee by his bedside. He slept in every day.
But now he’s changed. He’s up at 5am. He’s the breadwinner. He’s the great daddy. He’s the responsible one who is so smart, plus he cooks and oh-isn't he fabulous.
He’s the smart one and I'm the dummy. He’s responsible. I am not. He's healthy and I am toxic. He is happy. I am not. This is exactly what he thinks of me and this is how he talks to me. He is so sick and so unhealthy but I am the one who is the bitch nd the one who he takes his hatred and resentment out on. Me. The mother of his child (who he does not always lift up).
And this is what i have worked hard to "get off me". His thoughts of me and my father's thoughts of me and my ex-boyfriend's thoughts of me ARE NOT WHO I AM and they do not define me and they do not describe me and they are all wrong. And so are my ex-boss' thoughts of me, the woman who made sure I was fired for my mistake.
The only people who really get me are my friends... Debbie. Pamela. Ann. Sarah. Kathy. Maggie. Cris. Sue. Jenny. Amy B. Angela from LA. Cynthia. Jean. Mary. Rega. Melissa. And I'm sure a few more who I am missing right now.
................
So after all this writing my heart STILL hurts really bad. Ugh. I wish it would go away.
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