Thursdays are Good

Let me take you through my weeks as of late.

Monday, hard days.
Tuesday, plow through days.
Wednesday, stress days.
Thursdays, looking forward days. Getting it done days.
Friday, almost there days. Friday night, sense of relief.
Saturday, relief days. Second best day of the week as of late.
Sundays, football days, the best day of the week.

Mondays seem to be useless. I was raised in such a way that I am not prone to liking Mondays. See life story (oh that post is not published yet). Tuesdays are my full days without Oliver. I power through those days trying to get work done. If I am renting up north, I drive up to Door, spend the night, clean up, get the place ready for next renter, then head back to MKE on Wednesday. The past few Wednesdays seem to be lost days. On my drives up and back I've been listening to audiobooks which place me into another world so I won't have to lament about mine. I make it home in time to hang with my son, the event of the day I look most forward to. I sometimes hit my Al-Anon meeting that night. It's not a bonding evening with Oliver. Just rush rush rush from one thing to the next.

Thursday I have time to breathe. I can finally get some work done. I can make a decent dinner for us. I can curl up with kiddo and relax.

Fridays can go either way. Sometimes I Friday is like a Monday since my son heads to his dads. I hate it. I still frickin hate sharing. HATE it. Never could accept it.

Speaking of the divorce. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be married again. I cannot even  IMAGINE it! I am so used to being alone. Married? Sex? I can't imagine it, not one bit. I have NO CLUE what it's like to be loved unconditionally. Not ONE CLUE. How is it a woman can go through her whole life and not know the love of a man? I have a child for goodness sake. Sex I know. I know it well. I can't imagine it with anyone anymore. The self-loathing kicks in. Who would want me?

I can list 100 reasons why someone would not want me. And I can prove it too because here I am, single. How many dates did I go on where the guy never called me back? Dozens upon dozens. Nothing even got off the ground. The ones that did have a slight spark? Narcissists and assholes. I see how they were. Asses.

God is funny. Actually, People are funny. I hear all the time that God is preparing someone. I cannot even IMAGINE being with someone or someone loving me. If I can't imagine it, how will it even ever happen?

When I went to Hillsong United concert last month, I imagined getting up on the stage and one of the worship leaders saying, Look at this beautiful Christian, Jesus-Loving woman! She is a single mom doing it alone. She has no one. Come on now. Anyone know a good guy who might make a good partner for her and her young son? And she needs a job too. Let's pray and take care of her tonight!

I imagined how many men and job offers would come through and that through the grace of God someone might know someone who might be a good fit for me.

It didn't happen though. And I imagined it! I prayed for it. But no.

I couldn't' get into that concert anyway. I did NOT feel the spirit in me. I did not feel MOVED by the songs, the praise, the prayers, and monologues. My heart was so broken and hardened. I could not let the love of God or any hope into my heart. I was pissed. Cold. Not able to let go. Not one bit.

So that's where I'm at.

Today I have a bit of hope. Not sure why. After I finish up the freelance work today (3 hours of it) I will deep dive into job search. And clean my house. And have a nice night with Oliver. And then Friday apply for more jobs. Nothing has opened up at all. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. I applied for a waitress job last Friday, at 4 restaurants. Not even there. I'm fucking worried. I have enough to pay October bills and then I'm not sure after that.

GOD, if you are out there, please help me. I can't lose again, I can't move in with my dad. I will teeter on the brink of suicide again and I just can't have that.


  1. Someone loving you doesn't make you stop hating yourself. I know this because I have someone who loves me and I still can't stop falling into the kind of depression that makes me feel like the air I'm breathing should go to someone else who is better at living. Thanks for writing about this, for being honest because it makes me feel like I'm not so alone in all of it.


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