A Little Glimpse into Our Lives

It's been awhile, I know. I've struggled this past year. A lot. Alotta lot. Most of what I've been doing this year is surviving. Trying to understand what happened to me in the summer of 2014. It was a big year of changes. My divorce was finalized. I went bankrupt a second time. I went to court more times than I care to count. I lost my home. I stood up to the 3 foot attorney from Chase. I plead my case to a judge more than once. I think I may have freaked out my family a bit too. And a few friends. I was this close to death. And for a short period of time, I lost my maternal instinct, something that is so ingrained into my ecosystem that it seems my lifeblood is built upon it. Apparently not. Thankfully it returned — in bits in pieces — but it's in my possession again. I'm guarding it with a full suit of armor. Oliver came out somewhat unscathed; some might disagree. The good thing is, I don't care what they (she/he) thinks anymore. What other people think of me is not my business. Never was.

There's my boy. Isn't he beautiful? Sweet. Kind. Loving.

There's me. At the time: hurting, aching, despairing, hoping, praying.

We've come a long way baby.

Here he is just two months ago. We stopped in this cool coffee shop in Fish Creek. Snacking on crackers and coffee, sipping our drinks and talking about life. In that moment, life was pretty good. Not like today, only weeks later, but still good. Today is even better.

Loving my Door County life. There are many beautiful places in the world, and someday I hope to see them all. But until then, this does suffice. The stunning and spectacular views of the every day place me on my knees begging for mercy, forgiveness and proclaiming gratitude for all that we have. Our lives abound in goodness and glory. Our God is good.

It too a lot of pain to get here. And there's more to muck thru as I discover and uncover what has brought me to this place. This is different at least. I'm learning and letting go. Maybe for me, this is a gift of age. While it would be great to be in my 20's age (don't they say youth is wasted on the young?), I'm comforted in knowing my life is not over and I'm in good company as I travel onward. Friends are like that you know. They wont let you age alone.

Wisdom comes with age.

Oh I act the fool, so often it's really amazing. I'm learning why. I'm responsible. I know why things upset me the way they do. I know why now I respond the way I do. I also have been given this great gift of detachment. I have had people say things to me that are not right for me, not my truth. And I can take it all personally or I can let it go and realize that if I am strong in my faith, and if I know my true self, only I can decide if what I am hearing is the truth or not. If it's universal and applies over many cultures, it's truth. If not, it's just someone's opinion, and I can take it or leave it. There's real power in that.

A friend of mine hurt my feelings this week. It was hard to hear what she had to say. VERY hard, and I thought she misunderstood me, in fact I know she did. It hurt and of course my first reaction was to exit the friendship forever. I know not to make those rash decisions and I know that in a few hours or maybe days I would feel differently. And so I did.

She apologized. I never said, "It's ok." I only said thank you and that was all. I'm learning another valuable lesson: be careful who I share things with. I had another "friend" betray me. She went so far as to cross lines that no friend of mine had ever crossed. I had only been friends with her for less than a year. Scary how badly the friendship deteriorated. Hatred is an evil force that will tear a person apart. It's sad for me to have been on the dark side of hatred.

Strength is a part of my make up. I have had a husband walk out on me and lie about so many things. I was left broke, financially ruined. I watched as he started a new life with another woman, and he and I weren't even divorced yet. I didn't want the divorce when he started dating. They are married now. They just gave Oliver a little sister.

It's hard to share my son. I can't imagine what his little life is truly like. For as close as he and I are, I am not there when he ventures off into a life I know very little about. It's surreal. Really. There's a whole other family he's a part of and I don't know any of them. Sadly, they don't like me. Should I blame them? I have had my battles with Matt. Are ex's supposed to like one another? Are the families of the new wife supposed to have respect for the ex-wife? My father can't stand Matt. Can't say I blame him. He looks as if he's focusing on breathing and remaining calm when Matt is nearby, which is not often. What father wants to see his daughter hurt like I was? I'd probably slap a girl who treated my son poorly. Take note, you've been warned!

Look at this boy. My sweet little child. I love him more than all the stars in the sky. "I love you too, Momma," he says. "I love you more," I say. "No. I love YOU more," he exclaims.

My boy.

Try as they might, no one will take this away from me again. I'll be keeping God first. Family next. Never again will I date a man who makes me feel less than. Who treats me great but eventually lets the mask slip. I never want to go thru what I went thru last July and the many months that followed. Even thru this summer. I'll never put myself in a position to be taken advantage of again.

I'll love again, this I know. But I will do it wisely.

Look at that child sleep. I put him down. I scratch his back. I snuggle. I love. I dream. I wish. I hope and I pray with and for that boy.