April 29, 2010

On that date, April 29, 2010, five years ago, my husband walked out of our home. I believe that was a Thursday.

On Sunday he came home from a weekend retreat. He asked me what I wanted to do that day (with Oliver). I said, "Let's go for a bike ride at the park."

“I don't want to go all the way out there,”  he said.

“Why do you ask me what I want to do if you don't want to do it?” I replied.

I walked away. Sad. Bummed. It had been a stressful couple weeks for us. I had no idea what was to come next, but I knew things were not great. Not because we had been fighting. No. I sensed something. An indifference. A distance. He had been unreachable lately.

I sat down in my son's room, on the glider Matt had insisted he buy for me and our baby. I didn't want to spend the money, but he had really wanted me to have it. And I had been so incredibly grateful for it once our son was born.

Matt walked into the room.

He stood there.

I can still see him. About 4 feet away from me. I was looking at him. He was looking away.

"It's over," he said. "I don't love you anymore. I don't think I ever loved you."

My heart dropped to the floor. I knew he was serious. I knew this was it.

"No!" I moaned. But I knew it was useless. He was gone.


I fell to my knees.

He walked away.

I could not believe what I was hearing, and yet I just knew it was the end. I knew there was nothing I could say or do.

I tried tho. I said a few things. He was stoic. Gone. Empty. He had nothing for me. He was a stone wall.

I tried to plea, but he would not even put his arms around me. He would not look at me. He offered no comfort, no response.

I don't remember anything else except that he said he was moving out. Right away.

We both walked out. He took Oliver to the park, and I starting calling for help. Friends. Support. No one was around.

I watched Matt and Oliver head down the alley. I wanted so badly to be with them.

Finally I reached a friend. “Come over,” she said.

I drove over there.

“He just needs to calm down.”

“No. He's serious. It is over.”

“Give him time to cool off.”

“No. We did not have a fight. It wasn't an argument. It was not said in the heat of the moment. It's over!”

That was Sunday.

By Tuesday he had found an apartment.

By Thursday, he was moved out.

It's five years later. He never came back. Not once.

We did attempt to see each other for a short time. End of May thru the 4th of July. A month or so. We were intimate. We took a planned trip to San Antonio the first weekend of July, but he was not chivalrous. He was not interested in me, instead he was on the phone texting his buddy all weekend, I suspect giving him a play by play. And when we came back he told me that the more time he spends with me, the less he wants to be with me. He told me that as my friends pulled up in the car. We were headed to a girls weekend away. I wanted to die. I didn't know if I could even have fun that weekend. I didn't know if I wanted to live.

He would not look me in the eye for the next 6 months. I found out he had been seeing someone else. And then when that broke off, he was sweet to me again. For about a month. I actually had hope of a reconciliation. And then, boom. Back to being a nasty jerk. When he started seeing the woman he would eventually marry, he became kind to me. He had calmed down. It was an over night change. I still don't understand that, but it is what happened.

Six months after he met her, he filed for divorce. Two years later we were divorced.

And you know the whole story if you have been reading this blog. For I did start this blog two years or more before he left.

Today I'm OK. I'm finally over him. If I didn't have to see him, I would not. But we are amicable, most days. He and his wife came over for dinner on Oliver's 7th birthday. They make sure to give me Christmas and birthday and Mother's Day gifts too.

I'd rather not have to deal with him, but of course we have this beautiful boy. And for Oliver's sake, I don't trash his dad, or his dad's wife. I'm learning to trust Matt again, but not completely. Oliver needs him. I do it for Oliver, and for my own sanity. It's not really for Matt.

And now I face my next battle, the latest depression. The hurdle of another broken relationship. But even now I'm doing better. It's taken time. Healing from dating a Narcissist has been hard. It was not a normal break up. (Are they ever?)

I can tell you this: I am looking forward to summer. To the cottage opening up! I love my new apartment. My son is a hoot! And there have been no more roller coaster of emotions lately.

Life is finally somewhat stable.

And for that, I'm truly grateful.


  1. You sound good, Andrea. Happy in your new home with Oliver and looking forward to opening your cottage. You are moving on which is something you probably never thought you could do back in July 2014. I kinda knew you could (& believe your other internet supporters did too). It'll probably get even better with more time. Hope it's warming up where you live. Enjoy Spring!

    xo Elle

    1. Thanks Elle! :) So glad to know you guys are out there. x o x o

  2. You have been through extremely difficult times. It is good to see that you have reached a time of stability. I think of you and pray for you often. I'm rooting for you!

    1. Hi!!! I didn't see your comment! So glad to hear from you! Yes... Life is so much more stable. Very calm. Easy.

      I'm a little lonely. But I don't want to heal this broken heart with another man. I'll just sit for a while and let some time pass. I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm starting to be OK with it if I am.

      Hope you're well too. xo


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