No Internet and Other Privileged Woes

It was a doozey of a day. I had a few things to do, but mostly Monday's as of late I've slacked off. Early morning my internet went down. Then early afternoon, the electricity went out. Luckily the tech was here the same day (unbelievable really) and the 1600 + customers had their electricity back on in a couple of hours.

I realize how spoiled I am (we all are actually). I have been driving a very nice car, I live in a very nice community, I have a really nice apartment, I have money in the bank, I'm healthy, I have a sweet boy, I have an amicable relationship with my son's father, I have family, friends, a church, support in every single area of my life. I truly feel like I am very very fortunate. I see the glass as half full instead of half empty. It's easy lately, and maybe that's because I was nearly destroyed only 5 months ago. I haven't shared all of what happened online. I truly wish I was more anonymous so that I could tell you my story in it's entirety.

It would be depressing to live any other way however. That is, if I were the type of person who saw the glass half empty, I would paint a very sad picture. One of poverty, deceit, despair, tangled human emotions and emptiness. As it is, I still struggle seeing the beauty and strength in me. Others mirror it back to me, but on my own it's not innate for me to see it. My mother told me I was pretty/ugly. She did not want me to have a big ego. I learned early that I was not pretty; other girls were the apple of the boys' eyes. Not me. I dressed funny too. Looking at old photos I think I was adorable! Beautiful! Charming, loving, creative, kind and sweet. I was similar to my son, only it is difficult to see myself in him. Perhaps if I had a girl...

My son is a very blessed, loved and lucky boy. I can't wait to show you what I've done with his room! I spent a lot of time a week earlier cleaning it up. I never did set up his room properly. I did not divest any energy into it. Ah but once I did... most people are wowed by his tree house bed. I am too, but I don't see it anymore when I walk into his room. Now I see a boy's room. Not necessarily what I would have wanted as a little girl, but had I had a room like this I would have been in heaven.

I slept on the couch many years in my childhood. I'm no stranger to a couch these days as well. Often I slept on couches by choice as an adult — an alternate option to my comfortable bed. I found comfort in the compact width of cushions, much like an adult womb, warm, snuggly and not too overly opulent. My parents raised 4 children in a two bedroom home. My brother slept in the dining room., my sisters in the bedroom, and I had the playpen in my parents room. When I grew too large for that, I was moved to the couch. I remember finally shopping with my mom for a sleeping bad. It had a jungle theme with a light yellow inside. I became intimately familiar with that zippered up comforter, so much so that when I finally was in a room by myself, I used it as my comforter.

I think of how much my son has compared to what I had. This town I live in now I was in AWE of when I was in high school. I was on the tennis team and we'd travel here for meets. We'd just peer out the bus window at the mansions on the lake. "This is where the rich people live," my mom would say when we'd come up here together. The homes were mini castles where princes and princesses live. I wondered what those kids' lives were like, those who lived in a gated estate. I never thought our paths would cross. Not once did I think I would ever be good enough or smart enough to live a life like that.

Today I'm only 5 blocks away from those homes. The houses get cheaper by the 100,000's each block further from the lake you go. I rent now. And I like that. This home is modest. We have two bedrooms. A large living room, a dining room and a kitchen. We have access to a vast attic (too cold in the winter and much too hot in the summer). We have a large basement. It's not a finished basement. The yard is small, too small for swings. And today we are sans garage. :)

But I love it here! I'm so happy here. It's sunny and bright and clean! It's warm in the winter. I'm hardly cold here and the cost of heating is less than half of my old place. Less than half! Wow. My bills really sky-rocketed last year. This year is manageable, and I'm home all day which means the heat is set at 68-70 most days.

Every morning I walk into my kitchen and just love fixing my coffee.

And many days I no longer wish Bill could see this place. Occasionally he does come to mind in that way. I was so attached to him. He was so intertwined in my day, my thoughts. He still dominates my thoughts but not in the way he used to.

And so my mornings are now free. Free from wishing I could share my life, our lives, with him. I thank God for that.

I cry sometimes, but only because there is still grief to discharge from my heart and soul.

I get angry and want to seek revenge. I understand that the best revenge is to move on with my life and leave him in the dust (dirt) where he rightfully belongs. If you knew what he did to me, truly could understand it, then you'd understand my devastation. I had no idea that I was at the hands of his abuse, for his torture was cloaked in love making and passion.

Oh it makes me sick to write about it today so I will not.

Instead I will finish my homework this evening. I am working on a vision board and the theme is "taking care of Andrea" ... What does that look like? I know the first thing is to stay away from dating for a bit still. I'm not ready and there is no way I will want to use a man again to get over another man. It might be easy but after the hell I have been thru, I cannot risk feeling that horrific again. No way. And so, I will hold my head up high, take care of me and my son, and give myself all those things that I wish a man would bring to me.

Then at a later date I might do a vision board on a relationship.

But not today.

Thanks for visiting as I ramble on. I can't wait to share photos of my home, especially my son's room with you all. And thanks for walking alongside me on this journey.

xx oo