Standing on a Road I Didn't Plan

Aside from the good feelings I wrote about this past week, feelings that have been consistently great for almost 4 weeks, I hit a bump sink hole in the road. OK, maybe it was just a big pot hole and I didn't even get a flat, but my tire (heart) has been leaking air since Friday (I can't figure out why) and culminated in tears, finally, last evening and this morning.

Why? I'm not sure. I have learned in order to heal, I need to find out exactly what I was feeling and thinking that start these set backs (sometimes obsessions). However, I am at a loss as to why or how it started. Friday morning I was doing well.

Friday night I was back into obsessing. WTF?

I am aware a lot of it has to do with three men in my life: Matt, Bill and my father. All three men abused me in some way: physically or verbally. I have put on a happy face, turned the other cheek and tried to treat these men with respect in return. I try to accept my life on life's terms. I am focusing on me these days; I am optimistic about my future.

I did have a shouting argument with Matt, my son's father, on Sunday (one week ago, not last night). We have not had many of those in the past 5 years — maybe a whole 5 times or less where I've lost my temper and shouted at him. On that evening he brought up the Swiss trip he plans to take with Oliver this summer. What started out as a simple exchange ended up being a power struggle about who can play the biggest card. Not fun. I ended the fight with this mature text: I hate you.

It's laughable now, but not then. I picked up the phone and called. He had told me he went to court to force me to let Oliver go on the trip, and I just lost it... every fear came out in that volcano; all the years of therapy and recovery out the door. Oh well. I am human after all. Turns out he was goading me, which made me all the more angry that he would try to hurt me like that. How many times will I let this man hurt me?

My dreams have been nightmares for few weeks now. It's either Bill or Matt or Matt's new wife that takes control out of my hands and takes my power away. Bill driving crazy and I'm in the car. Matt doing whatever. His wife flashing a diamond ring in my face saying her diamonds just weren't big enough.

And then reality check: I overheard my little boy tell his friend, "I have two mom's now!" and I freaked out. YOU DO NOT HAVE TWO MOTHERS! I made it quite clear to Oliver and to his friend that Oliver's world had only one mother, and it was ME.

Oliver stared at me wide-eyed. It occurred to me that this will be talked about some day in one of his numerous therapy sessions he will inevitably need when he's in college. I reminded myself to put money away for his therapy account. (Kidding.)

I am your mother. You only have ONE mother!

Fucking divorce. Seriously? Oliver shared that Amy (Matt's wife) told him she was his step mom. Oh lordy. I was just not ready for that. First the birthday party last year. Then the barrage of new clothes that he's been coming home with. Now the stepmom word. I really hadn't anticipated the affect it would have on me.

I know it's great that my son has a woman in his life who wants to nurture and care for him. I accept that. It's a good thing, I KNOW THIS. (PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION HOW I SHOULD UNDERSTAND AND BE GRATEFUL BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.)

I'm angry. Can you tell?

Then there's Bill....

I venture from hating that man to missing him. Oliver shared last night he misses Bill. Do you hear that Bill? Jerk. Oh sadness. The sweet words coming from my son's heart sprung like the Indiana Jones rolling boulder and sat in my stomach for hours.




That boy has no clue how awful and deceitful Bill was. Even I question it at times. It's hard to believe all those things I've been learning about him lately (regarding psychopaths and narcissists). He read to my son at night. Seriously? That was fake?

And all those Good Morning! Great Day! and Sweet Dreams texts he'd send each morning/night without fail, unless he wanted to punish me for bad behavior (aka standing up for myself). Here's what I read on www.psychopathfree.com:

First, they want to interject themselves into our minds and life first thing in the Morning to last all day. Its a form of control.

The point is to keep tabs on you and make sure you think about them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Brainwashing at it's best. Your mind is at it's slowest at these points, easier to manipulate and implant 'good' feelings or bad. Your most vulnerable time.

You all wouldn't believe the techniques this guy used on me. You'd probably think I was paranoid or making it all up. Stockholm Syndrome. Cognitive Dissonance. Check out this post. Everything she writes about, everything, happened to me.

So I guess there are days when it all just piles up and is too much for me. It's when I cry and ask God to take some of this from me (all of it) because I can't do it.

I found this video (thanks to Carrie) and want to share it here. There is nothing about my life that is what I thought it would be. Last night Oliver and I talked. He wished his daddy and I would live together. Amy doesn't even factor into the equation when he shares this stuff with me. I'm not really jealous of her. Not one bit. I don't want Matt back either. She can have him. It's not possible their relationship is ideal anyway. I don't normally compare. I know too I will have my own some day, maybe. Who knows. I still deal with the fact that I do NOT think I'm pretty in the least. NOT ONE BIT. NOT ONE SINGLE BIT. Mostly I think I am ugly. Sad huh?

Obviously I'm not ready for a relationship. Perhaps that's why God hasn't put anyone into my life yet.

Anyway, this video. Love it. Thought I'd share it today.



It's a dump here today on RP. I had to get this written so that it will not be bottled up inside me. My heart hurts. My throat is swollen with sadness. I want to sleep. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep the day away. I want to cry.

I'll get work done instead. I'll put on make up, clean up my home. (Easy to do in this new place!) I'll get ready for my Bible study which I get to host tonight. I'm working on a fun project for a client. I made an awesome soup this weekend (hope to share, it's been a while).

Hopefully this third video does not make page load a two-day event. If so, I'll publish it on it's own post. This one is what I want to do as soon as I am done reveling in self-pity and sadness. ;) Please take the time to watch it. It's fun. :)




Thanks again friends. The support you offer me is very much a part of my healing process.