Dum Spiro Spero

I was going to title this post, While I Breathe, I Hope, but I realized I used it before! So I cleverly used the Latin translation. Perhaps a more appropriate title should be: I am going to have hope for my life because I realized that I am better off without him, and I can do this all on my own. But that was too long to fit into one line.

I have had a good three week run, almost 4 weeks of feeling great. Joy. Hopeful. Happy. OK. Confident.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never is, but always to be blessed:
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

– Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man

Finally the car buying process is done as well. I negotiated a fine deal too! I went from this:

to this:

to this:

It felt damn good to have dealers battle it out and to not fall for their sales tactics. I asked for the moon. I asked to let me take the car home for days. I asked for loaners. All one can do is ask. They could always say no. There was no fear when looking a salesperson eye to eye and exclaiming, "That price just doesn't work for me," and then walking away. For good. And getting exactly the price I asked for and the service I deserve. They even threw in a tv to seal the deal. I didn't have to ask. Did they make money? Yes. Did I walk away feeling I got a deal and was respected? Yes. Win Win. 

It's a beautiful car. I worked hard for it. I earned it. I worked. This is just one of the benefits of taking care of myself.

I'm learning. 

I'm learning to do this in my love life. I need to walk away when those red flags appear. No more falling for the Bills of this world. 

I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice and it's been great. I love that show (some times) because I learn how to look people in the eye, gain respect, and fire them. I want to be able to walk away and keep my self-esteem in tact. I want respect. 

I also recognized that one of the men on this season's show is a narcissist. At first I thought, "This jerk reminds me of Bill," and then I realized that the jerk was a narcissist. Good for me. I don't want to fall for a toxic relationship again.

The last 5 years I have experienced two very difficult break ups and one other loss with regards to my father (his dementia is worsening and he said god-awful things to me on the 28th of December). Three men in my life who did not respect me. Who took advantage of my low self-esteem, my generosity, my giving nature. I don't want to lose that part of me and yet I do not want to be heartbroken like this again. A normal break up? Yes. A fucked up messy leave me in a pile of shit break up? No.

Speaking of piles of messes, check this out:

That was on December 2nd, 2014.

On January 13th, 2015 I had my new vehicle.

This week I woke up to the garage finally demolished.

The cement foundation needs to be re-poured; it's too cold to do so. Construction will begin in the spring.

Life has been good. The fire was a blip on my radar screen and that's about it. I have been complimented that I handled it well. Let me say this clearly:

After this last breakup, nothing, no nothing as minor as a little garage fire will wreck me. I dipped my toes into the luscious lava of loss and almost lost my life. Losing my vehicle was nothing. I was well-taken care of by my insurance company (Erie Insurance) and was barely inconvenienced at all.

How can I not rest and expatiate in a life to come?



  1. I'm so impressed with your car-buying negotiation skills! That is a hard thing to do. But, as you say, not as hard as some other things in life.

  2. Great to hear from you, Andrea. Your new car is beautiful, and the experience buying it sounds empowering. One step at a time, you are reclaiming your happiness and it's a joy to watch. May today be a good one.


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