Dum Spiro Spero

I was going to title this post, While I Breathe, I Hope, but I realized I used it before! So I cleverly used the Latin translation. Perhaps a more appropriate title should be: I am going to have hope for my life because I realized that I am better off without him, and I can do this all on my own. But that was too long to fit into one line.

I have had a good three week run, almost 4 weeks of feeling great. Joy. Hopeful. Happy. OK. Confident.


Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never is, but always to be blessed:
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

– Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man


Finally the car buying process is done as well. I negotiated a fine deal too! I went from this:

to this:

to this:

It felt damn good to have dealers battle it out and to not fall for their sales tactics. I asked for the moon. I asked to let me take the car home for days. I asked for loaners. All one can do is ask. They could always say no. There was no fear when looking a salesperson eye to eye and exclaiming, "That price just doesn't work for me," and then walking away. For good. And getting exactly the price I asked for and the service I deserve. They even threw in a tv to seal the deal. I didn't have to ask. Did they make money? Yes. Did I walk away feeling I got a deal and was respected? Yes. Win Win. 

It's a beautiful car. I worked hard for it. I earned it. I worked. This is just one of the benefits of taking care of myself.

I'm learning. 

I'm learning to do this in my love life. I need to walk away when those red flags appear. No more falling for the Bills of this world. 

I've been watching Celebrity Apprentice and it's been great. I love that show (some times) because I learn how to look people in the eye, gain respect, and fire them. I want to be able to walk away and keep my self-esteem in tact. I want respect. 

I also recognized that one of the men on this season's show is a narcissist. At first I thought, "This jerk reminds me of Bill," and then I realized that the jerk was a narcissist. Good for me. I don't want to fall for a toxic relationship again.

The last 5 years I have experienced two very difficult break ups and one other loss with regards to my father (his dementia is worsening and he said god-awful things to me on the 28th of December). Three men in my life who did not respect me. Who took advantage of my low self-esteem, my generosity, my giving nature. I don't want to lose that part of me and yet I do not want to be heartbroken like this again. A normal break up? Yes. A fucked up messy leave me in a pile of shit break up? No.

Speaking of piles of messes, check this out:

That was on December 2nd, 2014.

On January 13th, 2015 I had my new vehicle.

This week I woke up to the garage finally demolished.

The cement foundation needs to be re-poured; it's too cold to do so. Construction will begin in the spring.

Life has been good. The fire was a blip on my radar screen and that's about it. I have been complimented that I handled it well. Let me say this clearly:

After this last breakup, nothing, no nothing as minor as a little garage fire will wreck me. I dipped my toes into the luscious lava of loss and almost lost my life. Losing my vehicle was nothing. I was well-taken care of by my insurance company (Erie Insurance) and was barely inconvenienced at all.

How can I not rest and expatiate in a life to come?

:)