2014 - A Painful Year is Behind Me
I toasted the New Year last night with my friend Deb. She had a big year too, filled with a lot of realizations and pain. It wasn't easy for either of us. Pamela too... we texted one another that night, since Pamela could not be with us. What were the best parts of our year? What were the worst?
I think the best part of my year is that it is over. I welcome 2015, for surely, nothing could hurt as badly as 2014. I'm glad for this past year, for out of it I am becoming stronger, happier and more determined to take care of myself. I don't need a man. I don't need to go out of my way to please anyone anymore. I'm learning to accept myself, flaws and all.
Here're my struggles from the year past. I'm happy to see 2014 in my rear view mirror.
- I got divorced in the first part of the year. After almost 5 years of separation.
- I filed a second bankruptcy, in order to save our home. This was due to my ex-husband's divorce tactics. I had a decent income and excellent credit up until our first bankruptcy.
- I had to stand up to tenants who refused to adhere to their lease and moved out in the coldest month of the year.
- I met my ex-husband's girlfriend while I was wearing my swimsuit and 40 lbs heavier than I was three years earlier.
- She was asked by him to be a BIG part of MY son’s 6th birthday party. She made iced cookies (yes, those cookies). She's a nice woman, really. I struggled with this on many levels. Oh god, this makes me sick all over again just thinking about it.
- I sensed distance from my boyfriend. But he invited me to Easter with his family.
- I sensed distance from my boyfriend. But he convinced me he was feeling something deep for me and Oliver.
- I sensed distance from my boyfriend. It was unlike any distance I had ever felt with him before, but he convinced me he still loved me and bought me a sexy outfit and sent me a ton of texts and planned a weekend away with me.
- My bankruptcy case was dismissed — the home modification did not go through thanks to an error my attorney made. Working with the attorney and Chase bank to get straight answers was a complete nightmare.
- There were 10 days of difficult discussions with my boyfriend and I could feel him slipping away.
- I was dumped by him on my 50th birthday in a text. I tried to get answers but was met with stone cold silence. When I went to see him I was met with rage. (Google silent treatment + abuse.)
- 10 days later I found out he was dating his neighbor and had been spending time with her the last two months.
- I tried one last desperate measure to save my home. It took one full day to get all the documents together along with several upon several phone calls to Chase Bank, each person telling me a different story. If I never hear their hold music again, it will be too soon. (It's #6)
- I lost my home.
- I was informed that I would have to only 5 days to move out.
- I went to court to beg a judge to let me stay in the house for 3 more months. Every attorney and person I spoke with said the odds were against me.
- I became severely depressed. I wrote good-bye letters to my family and son. And the asshole.
- I lost my maternal instinct and joy of parenting.
- I discovered my ex-boyfriend had a very strange sexual secret unbeknownst to me.
- I walked in on my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend while they were having sex. Yes. I did. And it nearly killed me. To this day, he does not know.
- I was served by my ex-boyfriend. He was taking me to court.
- I went to the stand alone and faced my ex-boyfriend in court. (I won, thank God.)
- I had to clean out 10+ years of junk. A garage filled with my and my ex-husband's items he left behind. A full home. A basement with 8 rooms, all filled with years of storage.
- I moved.
- A memory came to surface, one that was buried deep. Someone close to me had tried to break my neck when I was a teenager. I made excuses for this all my life until a friend said this sentence, “He tried to kill you.” And then it hit home.
- I was happily in my new home, and yet I was depressed, heartbroken and obsessed with my ex-boyfriend.
- My son's god-mother had invited my ex-husband and his girlfriend into her home for a party. I felt completely betrayed by her. And she hasn't apologized.
- I made plans for Thanksgiving and yet was still depressed, heartbroken and obsessed.
- My garage started on fire and my SUV was totaled.
- My father, after Christmas, told me to kill myself and my son and said that he was glad I no longer had his last name, and that I deserved everything I got. I am to not bother him and am to keep my son away from him.
- My ex-husband got married (I truly am happy for him) and did not include Oliver in the planning. I felt really bad for my son.