A Great Week... and then...

The past week has been incredible. I am so grateful for a week filled with happiness, joy, and fun. I had my second week sans douleur since .... well, I have not felt happy since July. Before July maybe. The 4th of July was awful. June? Even in June there were days and days of sadness leading up to the inevitable dissoudre, when my life shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces.

I started feeling better a week ago when I began making dinner. I made a wonderful meal one night and realized what a competent strong woman I was. I am smart. Talented. Independent. Those are things that were subtly taken away from me. I let them go, and at the same time I know I was duped into believing I was not a strong, smart, healthy woman. In this past relationship, I started to believe I was not smart and in fact, I was stupid. I began to believe I was emotionally immature, not a good mother, not pretty, not anything wonderful.

And one wonders why I stayed. I can't explain it; it's hard to unless you are in it. If I began to tell you what happened, it would sound all too bizarre. You would not believe me mostly because I don't think you could digest the depths of how subtly it all came about.


Yesterday I re-read a journal entry and realized that Bill was seeing this woman, maybe as friends but arranging his schedule so he could run into her, while he was putting me off. I know it now, but I did not know it then.

And that makes me sad.

Really sad.

And choked up.

And one more time I start to feel I was not pretty enough to keep a man interested in me.

Ugh, I really do not like these waves.

The up side is the past week: the new support group and the awareness it has brought into my life, we finalized fun plans for Christmas, I am not acting on revenge I'd so love to inflict upon him. I am moving thru this the best I can, realizing there will be ups and downs. Time takes time. I wish it were different. It's not. The best part is that I love my son, he loves me, and we are in a beautiful apartment. I will have a new automobile eventually. I am moving thru it all. Healing is happening. It's not a straight line forward.

I know some day I will be free from this, and I will be able to love again. Life will be more like the week I just had. I am certain there will be more good days ahead; and I certainly hope my self-esteem will recover.

Happy Shopping today everyone. We're off to get a few cookies from Crate & Barrel (yum yum yum),  pick up groceries, have a play date and maybe I'll even get around to decorating my own cookies. We will build a fire tonight. My heart aches today, but I  wont crawl into bed and cry. I might fall on my bathroom floor and sob when no one is looking. Think of me today and send me good vibes. I am hurting again and it hurts to hurt. Ha. I wish I could see a beautiful, worthy woman when I look in the mirror. I wish I didn't get disgusted by what I see and think of myself. I wonder if that will ever change for me.

Hugs to you all....


  1. ABCDE that stuff.
    A is for Adversity. What is the bad thing that happened?
    B is for Beliefs. What is the thought that ran through your head?
    C is for Consequence. What did you do as a result of your belief?
    D is for Disputation: Dispute the belief. How valid of a Belief is it? is it really accurate or an exaggeration? How would you react if some stranger yelled it at you in the street?
    E is for Evidence: Present the Evidence that contradicts the Belief. It doesn't matter how slim it is, present it.

    Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

  2. You deserve every happiness, you are a strong, wonderful,beautiful woman keep on believing it!!


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