What is Wrong with Me?

I’m glad I'm not with any one of my ex's. Looking back, there is not a single man that I've dated for an extensive amount of time that I wish I was still with. Not one. Not even my ex husband! :) And to think I was in love a few times in my life and have had three substantial long-termish relationships (dating).

Knowing that, hopefully I will feel the same way about Bill. Why the heck can't I let go? I really do not know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I am hanging on. I hate that I am, and I wish I could figure it out. I've done a lot of work in the hard places of my life... discovering things about my past that may explain a lot of my thinking and my actions.

But to be truly honest, I'm ready to give up. When it's blatantly obvious that it's over for good and that he has really moved on, why can't I get myself to let go of all those things too? Why can't I throw out the emails, gifts and the like? He did. He hasn't a single one of my things. He's crossed lines too that I seem to forget.

I'm just about ready to throw in the towel when it comes to all this. I give up. I am not sure what more I can do. It's not like I'm going to give up my life... I'm not there of course. But what's the point of doing all this hard work when the pay off is so small? I am moving thru my days, and yes I've felt glimpses of joy. It seems all the effort I am putting into myself is futile. While people can recognize me again, I'm still only a fraction of who I was. It's still a struggle to enjoy parenting. And yet when Oliver's gone I'm not feeling great either.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I have been replaced, forgotten and possibly never loved in the first place. If I were, how could he discard any evidence of me?

I am telling you this sucks so much. I really wish there was a magic way to get over him and feel better. It so very much sucks that I am having a hard time letting go of him and he's long gone and I am long gone from his life.

Honestly, I really thing something is wrong with me. How could I be so fooled by someone. I am almost certain he did not love me; either that or he's so angry that he has tossed me out of his life for ever with not even a backwards glance.

Truly this sucks.


  1. Hi Andrea:

    What is wrong with you? Nothing. You're human and once again, probably, the millionth time you've heard this - it will just take time. Hang in there. It will get better and you will get through this.

    xo Elle

  2. I had a similar thing happen to me. I know the site you were referred to and from what I've read lately on your blog, I can see why your friend suggested it.

    I've discovered that the more value I acknowledge in myself, the weaker the pull of the an ex becomes. I think the pull came from my need to be validated by my ex, who gave me no closure such as was the case with you (no closure). My need to be validated was my way of seeking closure. As I become more able to validate myself, I no longer needed his approval that I'm a good person. I had an epiphany one day. If the remarkable, loving, kind person I fell in love with was only mirroring me--which is what some men do... they mirror what you want and need so that they can be the person you wanted... and so if he was mirroring me, I realized that it was actually me that I so admired. I tend to be hard on myself, but that realization showed me that I'm actually an awesome human being. I no longer needed for him to tell me that. Look into the reflection you saw and finally see the real you that you never allow yourself to see. Sometimes we are our own harshest critic. You've been through so much, just trust that the fantasy and holding on to things will indeed die. We will celebrate with you when that joyous day arrives.


  3. Love is an action, not an emotion, and sometimes we tend to confuse the two. Yes, we sometimes get that giddiness, or superfluous sugar high that comes from that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, or that lightheadedness that comes with being physically or emotionally attracted to someone, but that is not love. Love comes from selflessness, in giving one’s self totally to someone else. It can be in the form of big or little things, but it always comes from wanting to do good for that person because it is the right thing to do.

    As on old Jesuit teacher of mine once said “Marriage is not about trying to find the right person, but rather, it is trying to be the right person for someone else”. I still think this is true, and generally speaking, I believe it would solve a lot of relationship and marital problems.

    Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds as if this Bill was not a particularly religious or pious kind of guy. I think this kind of speaks for itself and I don’t know if this fits in with your beliefs or desire to form and follow a Christ centric way of life. It sounds like compassion and “love” (as described above) don’t fit into his definition or value structure. Again, I may be off base here, but this is my impression based on his actions.

    We all have our crosses to bear, but it is through Grace that we have the ability to persevere. None of us goes out our ways to look for suffering or pain or loss, but it is in how we deal with it and move on refines us, defines us, and ultimately edifies us.

    You have the love of family and friends, who (based on posts too numerous to count) exemplify the definition of love. You also have a son, Oliver, who is the recipient of love you demonstrate by being a tremendous mother and for whom you have the awesome task of teaching what love, devotion, caring and understanding truly mean.

    Just felt I had to put in my two shekel’s worth…

    1. And I thank you, truly. (I always have appreciated your two shekel's worth anytime you offered it.)

    2. Actually, in realizing the number of typos I missed, it is more like a shekel's worth now...

    3. One shekel, two. Not counting... To answer your question, Bill was not a spiritual man,did not believe in Christ, and felt that God was in his friendships. He was not a praying man that I saw, except at the table on Holidays or on occasion before a meal with me and Oliver... and only with my family at that. His family did not pray before meals. He actually is turning out to be a cunning man who duped me. If you look up Narcissist, you'll find the def of him. He was too smart and clever to be blatant about it. He's onto his next victim b/c I caught on to him altho I did not know it had a name. I'm learning. I'm trying to heal. I was conned for three years right after a time when I healing from a big heartache. I was vulnerable and an easy target for him. Leaving an N is really hard, like getting over heroine. I met with a heroine addict (recovering) and we shared similar experiences... her with the drug, me with Bill. Keep me in your prayers please. It's a difficult one to recover from.


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