What I'm Doing to Heal

I must be somewhat transparent. Many of you read me so well, even if I am not explicit! :)

Here's the biggest feedback I get, either from RP or from other blogs that I read and comment on: I have a "need" to "be" with someone. And that I do. I've been hearing this comment since Matt left almost 5 years ago. Yes, sick to my stomach over the fact that I am not with a man. Yes. True. Sick that I might NEVER find someone and THAT I am not OK with. I can NOT be with a man for now. But forever? No thanks. I want to be in a relationship — eventually.

That being said, I have given myself 6 months to not date. I am not going to lunch, wine or coffee with a guy alone. Well, a friend or two excluded, but mainly no love interests at all. And six months is just a goal. It's there for self-protection, for if I see a cute man, a handsome fellow with a charismatic smile and he places his hand on the small of my back... well, I'm just a sucker for that and you all might find me weak in the knees.

Instead, whether I feel that way or not, whether I "think" I'm ready or not, I will not date. Not right now. My main goal is to heal, get my life on track, parent my son, learn from my mistakes (or why I ended up with Bill in the first place), and take care of me. I'm learning to give myself all those things Bill gave me. I've already learned to do most of the things Matt did for me. Now the loving care and swarm of affection he gave me I need to learn to give my self. NOT FUN. Trust me. I'd rather spend a night cuddled on my couch making out with a man who has his hands all over me, whispering how beautiful and sexy I am than be by myself wrapped in a blanket, glass of wine and remote control in tow. Not nearly as fun. Especially when I have a fire going and I know how it could be oh-so-romantic to make out on the floor in front of it. I'm sure we would have.

You tell me if that sound like more fun? I'm 35lbs thinner. My clothes look amazing on me. My jeans look great on me. I'm not ashamed of how I look naked anymore. (Unfortunately no one but my cat sees me these days running around in undies.) I have a beautiful apartment. I have no clutter, no mess, no anything to be ashamed of. For that I am grateful but I have no one to share it with except my son (who does appreciate the new home), the cable guys (they've been in and out a ridiculous amount of times), the handymen (more visits than I'd like to mention), a few craigs list buyers (I know I know, don't be so trusting as to let them into my home) and the occasional friend who stops by to visit. None of the above mentioned do I want to cuddle on the couch with (my son the exception) and definitely none of the above do I care to parade around naked in front of or kiss in front of my fireplace.

Are you laughing yet?

See why self-work is not a sexy and beguiling as dating? Especially dating someone like Bill who was fond of showering me with gifts and kind words. Until the end of course, when it all turned sour and horrific (and for that I would not trade my life as it is now. No, I want a good man, not one who will turn on me when I least suspect it and drive me to the depths of hell.)

So here is a list of things I am doing to heal. OK? I'm doing these things WHILE I SOMETIMES pine away for a man who I no longer have, while I sometimes feel hurt, while I sometimes feel jealous and depressed.

Things I am doing to heal: (in no particular order)

1. I am looking inward.
2. I am educating myself about relationships and the type of man I think Bill was (possibly a narcissist).
3. I am present for my son while I have him in my care. I am not online, not texting (much) and not crying my time away.
4. I am taking care of my physical appearance. Why? A.) In case I run into Bill (not a great reason to do this) B.) I feel good about myself when I do. (phew! That's a better reason!)
5. I am taking care of my body. Exercising, working out, taking supplements, eating well, not over-eating.
6. I am brushing my teeth. (For many this is a given, but when you are depressed and hurt, this is a difficult challenge.)
7. I am writing. A lot.
8. I am talking to professionals, and taking their advice and recommendations.
9. I am trusting God.
10. I am going to church.
11. I am attending a church study group weekly, and not missing those meetings.
12. I am going to recovery meetings weekly, and not missing those meetings.
13. I am praying, daily.
14. I am reading my daily readers.
15. I am making plans with friends.
16. I am making plans with my son to do fun things every weekend.
17. I am cooking.
18. I am working and responding to client requests.
19. I am paying my bills.
20. I am not spending money I don't have.
21. I am nesting. (Making this apartment feel like a home.)
22. I am treating myself.
23. I am keeping my home clean and organized.
24. I am staying in contact with people I care about.
25. I am being of service to others when I can, when they ask.
26. I am humbly asking for help when I need it.
27. I am humbly accepting help when it is offered.
28. I am praying for others.
29. I am praying for my son, daily.
30. I am advocating for my son.
31. I am co-parenting with an open mind, without the need to control, with respect to Oliver's father. (Not always easy stuff.)
32. I am teaching my son that we are strong and able to get thru tough times.
33. I am being an example.
34. I am not looking outward for answers.
35. I am doing the hard stuff to heal my past.
36. I am NOT contacting Bill for ANY reason. (altho I do think about it often.)
37. I do not vent to my son.
38. I am reading more fiction books. This is fun.
39. I am reading the Sunday New York Times. This is fun too.
40. I am learning to be alone. This is NOT fun. 
41. I am doing things for myself that Bill and Matt have done for me in the past. This is fun.
42. I am being honest, and I keep an open mind when I hear feedback.

I think that's about it for now. I think it's a lot tho. That about sums up my life these days. That hardest part is not wallowing in depression, not living in the past, letting go and moving on, facing what has to be faced. UGH. Being alone is hard stuff. Doing it alone is hard, especially when most of the families I am surrounded by are not broken. Sometimes I think it's not fair I have to do all this alone while the two most recent men in my past are with someone else, having sex, having dinners out, having someone by their side. True, I don't know what things are like behind closed doors, but i have an idea. And it sounds a lot more fun than all this hard work I'm doing.

But...

I don't want to be in another failed relationship. I don't want to feel as bad as I did when Bill did those things to me. I want to be a good parent to my son. I want to enjoy him. I want to provide a nice life for him while he's in my care. And so I am doing this so I can maybe find peace and happiness alone, whether or not I end up with someone. I think I am too good of a catch to be alone. But there are slim pickin's out there. Reluctant as I am to say this: I want to be happy whether or not I am with someone.

Sigh. 

Being alone (forever?) is a tough pill to swallow.

But it beats what I went thru in July, August and September. And am still recovering from.