Glimpses of Joy, a Small Reprieve

Wow... It’s crazy how there are so many ups and downs in this journey!

I've experienced a bit of peace and joy in the past 24 hours. I'll take whatever bits of it I can get, fleeting as it may be.


My son adores me and loves me.

My son is growing up. And... he still adores me. For that I am truly grateful. We have fun together and I very much enjoy being his mom. I'm still not 100% back to the place I was before end of July, but I'm finding my way back. Who knows, maybe I will never be the same again, maybe I will be better.


We have a comfortable home.

Well... I'm most grateful for this apartment. It's just lovely, clean, and comfortable. We both feel at home here. The layout is identical to our house, yet there are small things that make this place more special.


We have a fireplace.

That's right. Our first one. We love it, we are in awe of it. We are both mesmerized by the warmth and beauty of a fire in our living room, providing heat, light, scent and crackle.


We have a nice kitchen. 

Look, we are not in the lap of luxury here. There ARE better apartments out there. But this one feels right. It's perfect for us. I asked Oliver, "Do you want an elevator or a yard?" because truly the choice was his. I was wiling to pay an exuberant amount of cash to provide a home for us. A beautiful, luxury apartment, stylish on the 5th floor with a view of the sun setting every single night. Large closets. Two bath. Modern everything. Just gorgeous.

But he wanted a yard. A small one at that, but my son found a way to make his yard larger (he took over the neighbor's yard). I'm cool with that. I want him to take ownership of this place. He's six. When I was 6 I had two parent who lived in the same house, a beautiful large yard, dogs, neighbors, family. Life was good when I was 6. I try to provide that same safe comfortable feeling that my parents provided for me.

And yes, we have granite countertops, a beautiful stainless sink, wonderful appliances — all the comforts of a modern, updated home.


I'm thin(ner) again.

Thank God for that. 35 lbs lost since Bill and I broke up. Amen. Praise God. I am so thankful for that. I almost want to send Bill a thank you card. I won't. I'll wait until I meet Mr. Wonderful. Then I'll thank 'im.


I can pray again.

Church is working for me again. So is everything else related to that.


I have new boots.

I bought a few new pair of boots. Yes, I would not have bought them had Bill and I not broke up. So thanks ebay (for the great deals) and thanks Bill. I now own three, yep count 'em, THREE pair of Frye boots. (You can't beat the deals on ebay!)


I'm taking better care of myself.

Part of this is because never again do I want to run into Bill looking like I did the day I saw him and his new girlfriend at the bookstore. I am always dressed really nice with my hair and make up done. I want to do this for me, and eventually I know I will not care one way or the other what HE thinks of me, but for now this is the case. When Matt left, I made sure I looked great every time he came by to pick up Oliver. Now I could care less what Matt thinks of my appearance. I know in time that will happen with Bill too. This is a start for me because I had let my appearance fall by the wayside.

I'm also making certain my vitamins and supplements are taken daily as well. I do not want to get physically ill from this. When we are stressed, our bodies and our immune system are vulnerable to toxins and the like. I have amped up my supplements so that my moods stabilize and so my immune system stays strong. Thanks again Bill.


I'm doing the hard work of soul searching.

Needless to say, I'm discovering why I made the choices I did, and why I was an easy target for someone like Bill to take advantage of. I'm also educating myself to what a narcissist is.


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And then it crumbles down for a while. 

My life moves forward and I partake in all of its offerings. We had an Open House at Oliver's school last night. Proudly he showed me what he was working on. He gave me a tour of all the different rooms, where he found his little prize passions in each one. I had a glimpse into his 6-year-old life. It was sweet. As we left, looking around I saw all the parents. I thought about how few opportunities there are to meet single men. Will I ever find another mate?

Walking into school this morning I saw the young male aide that all the moms are talking about. He's in his 20's and such a cute hottie. He was right in front of us as we headed into school. Cute yes, but his jeans were baggy and sagging. I thought of Bill in his fitted jeans, how amazing he looked in them. Oh those jeans! Oh Bill!

Sigh.

I sat in Oliver's classroom watching their morning greeting. Another teacher came in for a brief moment. Handsome man. Baggy jeans. Sigh. Bill in those jeans...

I'm not over him, not yet.

My heart still aches.

The panic sets in. My wonderful morning interrupted with fear, jealously, sadness.

This is the journey of recovery from a break up. The journey of recovery from a narcissist.