A New Day

There are two sides to my life right now... maybe three.

First side:

New day. Hopeful. Doing OK. Happy that I have this wonderful apartment, great friends, family, support, God, my son, work, and hope that I'll get thru this. Some self-esteem too thrown in for good measure. A few pats on the back.

Second side:

Holy crap. Wow. Oh my goodness. This is the overwhelming discovery side.

Third side:

Dark. Hopeless. Tired. Hurting. Full of pain. Obsessed. Panicked. Fear-based.

Today is the top one. I'm hopeful. I'm thinking. Yesterday was third side. I mostly fluctuate between second and third. I'm told that's normal for this. I will share my discovery journey with you perhaps. I have to drum up the courage.

Truly, I am blessed. My son is a good kid and fun to be around. I have this wonderful apartment. Money in the bank. A tiny bit of work came thru this week (yay!!) .... tiny. And my weight is down. Hurray for that. And I have hope that I'll be healed from everything that has happened, recently and from my old old past. Just a lot of work to do there.

Thanks for sticking by me. I will post more pictures too. I just need to get out of this funk so I can find the energy to do that!


  1. I like how you have identified three sides. Just doing that seems hopeful to me.

    I have been really tired lately, but I think it is the time change. No matter which direction the clocks go, I lack energy for several days afterwards. I just mention it so that perhaps you can give yourself an extra little bit of grace on finding that energy!

    1. I wondered if the time change had something to do with it, even tho we "got" an extra hour of sleep. And the first two sentences you wrote... they gave me hope. THANK YOU........ always and forever grateful for your friendship.



  2. Hey Andrea, I have commented in the past, you might remember me :)
    Life is full of twists and turns, until Sunday night, our life was without any big worries. We were content and happy. On Monday, everything changed. It is not my marriage that has turned our life upside down but something else that I don't want to go into detail on here.

    At the moment I am between your second and third side. I cannot sleep, I am afraid of the night. I wake up and my heart is racing, the fear inside my head is so overwhelming. I don't even know this person I have become in the last 72 hours. I am afraid of the future and I hate how it feels. None of what I just wrote helps you, you rather helped me today by posting about your feelings. Tonight, when I am in bed without being able to sleep and panic creeping in again, I will think of you and remember that so many of us have a hard time.

    Be safe, stay strong,

    1. Jana,

      Oh no... :((

      I was JUST thinking about you the other day. That is really weird. Really...

      I'm really sorry you are going thru this and I will share with you what people told (still tell) me that I clung to: it will pass. It wont always be like this. It will get better. Hold on.

      The other thing that helped is the God part. I don't know about your faith journey, but that part helped me a lot and is STILL a big part of my recovery. When this second big thing hit my life (the break up with Bill and a few other things at once) I could not rely on God the way I did when Matt left. But after a month, I found myself getting a few inches out of the shit hole I was in and could actually begin to allow myself to have some faith.

      I'm sorry you can't sleep. I woke every hour on the hour for weeks. I could not eat. I lost 35 lbs in two months.

      Jana, please feel free to check in as much as possible and of course you can email me anytime: azehnder at gmail.

      I think you are inspiring me to write another post.

      I will pray for you and your family.

      xx oo andrea

  3. Andrea, I will email you privately once I am feeling a bit better, soon. Jana


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