Might This Be Joy

I have not been busy, but I also have not had the time to write. You can always follow me on Instagram if you don't see me updating RP. If you have a smart phone, you can download the app from Apple. Instagram allows me a concise poetic expression of my thoughts which are accompanied by a gallery of images, a 20-second peek into our daily life.

There has been a shift in me. Sunday was the last time I cried tears of grief, and while I have no expectations that the journey is a straight path, I have had many awakenings in the past week. I am in a place of understanding and acceptance of myself and how I reacted. And... I have had 3 full and continuous days of relief from heartbreak. Not just moments of relief, but uninterrupted days of it.

The shift has been a prayer answered, not only one that I pray often, but one that I know many others pray as well. (I have my prayer warriors and have been reminded to keep asking for prayers. It feels like I am humbly asking for money, but I am learning that praying for others is a privilege, not a chore.) The change came about Sunday evening. The day held much pain, but as the sun set and the evening sky wrapped our home, I saw a brief glimpse of reality. I sat with it and did not over think it. The feeling that came over me brought relief, courage, confidence, faith and peace. This carried thru to the next morning. I did not celebrate for fear that it would slip from within reach; instead I was mindful of its gracious presence. Evening came, and I accepted a full 24 hours of peace without any expectations that it would stay.

Today I feel peaceful. Confident. Strong. I have no anticipation that the winds of change will linger for I cannot control the weather, and I know grief all too well. It does not take a straight path.

We had a great weekend in Door County, closing down our cottage for the winter. I left the weekend knowing that a piece of my past had been healed (my marriage ending). I had no resolved feeling of peace about my relationship with Bill however. In fact, Saturday in Door County at the Sister Bay Fall Fest I feared running into him. Door County is our (my and Oliver's) stomping grounds, but at this point nothing would surprise me anymore. Bill told me in one of our final conversations that I over-inflate things. What I've come to learn is that I may under-inflate things when it comes to him. I have learned from my marriage ending and from recent life events that people are capable of doing things that you assume they would never do. It's not a cynical view. It's a realistic view. Just as I have come to believe in miracles, I believe people are human and capable of incredibly wonderful, and paradoxically, incredibly selfish acts. And so I feared Bill might be up in Door County. With his new girlfriend. At the Fall Festival. I let anxiety arm wrestle my heart. It was unsettling and no fun at all. Luckily my fears were not met. This is why Sunday evening was a significant turnaround; it was in direct contrast to how fear and sadness had been ruling my heart.

This morning I enjoyed watching Oliver during the first lesson in his classroom. The teacher has been reading a chapter book, one without many illustrations. I observed my child engaged, interacting with the teacher and responding with joy to the storyline. She had an aside with me earlier to express how excited she was that he has strung a number of great days together, and how very proud she was of him. I called his father afterwards to share the good news.

I left his class and ran a couple errands. As I completed the last one, only just a hour or so ago, I noticed that my heart was filled with gladness. What a relief this week has been. While I have no idea how long this position will last (I'm certain I have not seen the last of my tears), I am overjoyed at our new life, how our home is comfortable and inviting. How much of the clutter is gone, physically and figuratively. How God is working for me again. How church is a comfort again. How people have been bringing meaning into my life. How things are making sense. Things are getting sorted out. The fog is starting to clear. Oh how grateful I am for that! As I slipped into my truck this morning I noticed what I was experiencing. The calm energy was slightly unrecognizable, but the feeling was comfortably familiar...

Might this be joy I'm feeling?


  1. I used to think joy was frantic, over-the-top ecstatic emotion. But I have come to realize that it is more like the calm energy you describe. Glad you are feeling joy. And glad you wrote about it here. I can't go on instagram.

    1. Yeah, it's calm and nice... excitement is more over-the-top. Joy is a little more peaceful.

      So glad you check in often. :)

      BTW, you can view instagram on a desktop. I provided a link above. Just in case! ;)

  2. What a happy update to stumble upon. So thrilled when I can hear the contentment in your voice. Praying that this season is here to stay for a bit. That you may have a sad day here and there, but that THIS is your new place to land. xoxo

  3. Wonderful news, Andrea. So glad you've had a few calm and peaceful days strung together. Nice to hear Oliver's doing better as well & communication with Matt is good. Still in my thoughts and prayers.

    xo Elle


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