Your Comments Help

It's Saturday night as I write this, about 11:15. Not an easy time for me. I am moving in the right direction, at least I believe so. I have a ton of fear, but what can I do? I move thru it. I hate the phrase, “Facing my fears,” because it implies looking at them, and truth be told I am not facing them. I am moving thru them, like a crowded sidewalk. I'm trying to move thru the crowd fighting the stream of hits as I reach out for my destination.

That's how I'm dealing with my fear. I am not looking at it, I'm moving on despite it. Why? Not because i'm strong. Not because I'm happy. Not because I'm confident. I am moving thru it because my only other choice is to drown, to succumb to the wave of depression, grief and misery. And that space is not fun either. It's an even more fearful dimension, one where I'm not sure I can recover from. I dont understand crazy, but I know I wear it well. Just ask my ex-bf. Hell, even my ex-husband.

I thought one day my X- husband would regret his choice to leave me. Now I can see he will never regret it. He's happy in his new relationship. Everything in his life is better than it was with me.

My mind wanders to Bill and if he will miss me one day. He can't miss me now; he has a skinny, incredibly gorgeous, willing partner who he has become lovers with already. I know him well enough; he left many clues to her existence while we were still dating, and I denied every single one of them. I know he hasn't had time to change, so I know everything he's done with me he's doing with her. I am jealous. And in pain.

They are together at this very moment I suspect. They will then spend the day together tomorrow. And then Monday and Tuesday nights are their date nights. I know too much about them. I try not to think about it, and mostly I don't, but today I'm alone and feeling lonely. I admit it. I'm lonely. It's a Saturday night, and I have no plans.

I reach out to my friends. I asked Deb to come over and she did. It took two hours, but we sifted thru my linen closet and dumped a ton of stuff. When she left I crawled onto my couch and held my pillow close. Alone. Quiet. I've been in a cocoon for 6 weeks; I knew nothing of current events as Deb shared what's going on in the world these days. We could be on the verge of another war? Jim Foley? I knew none of this. I don't watch TV anymore. AT. ALL. I am not even able to listen to music. I've no interest in sad songs, break up songs, or any songs for that matter. I can sometimes barely tolerate old jazz. Too much reminds me of Bill. I'm bound by this pain and grief, and I make choices daily to function despite it. Depression is exactly as they describe in those TV ads; this is nothing I have experienced before. I wait for Andrea to emerge. I know she's in there somewhere. Fuck. It sucks and if there was a magic wand, I'd use it right now.

I've lost interest in many things. Words with Friends I used to play every night. I had a 24 game winning streak. I began to decline game invites. NOTHING interests me. Books are piling up on my beside.

My friends have been supportive. I still get emails, texts and messages — people checking in, people sending me hope. Do people realize how hard this is? I've kept it to myself mostly.... knowing Bill is with a new woman, knowing it's over for good this time, knowing that we couldn't even break up as friends. My friends have their own lives too, as does my family. They can't be with me every night.

Your comments, brief, succinct. I am grateful for your words of support. You fill the gap while my nearby friend are busy with their own lives (as they should be).

I loved the post where you guys helped me see Bill for who he truly is ... I had to take a few down for a while but they will be back up again some day. I reveal many truths about myself here and often wish I had stayed more anonymous so I could tell you even more.

I watch people and see their connection to life, feeling how I once felt — free from worry and pain — and envy them. I hope to be there some day. I have to be.


  1. Dear Andrea:

    Don't know what to write. Just that I'm thinking of you. Sometimes it feels strange to write to someone I don't even know (& yet feel somehow that I do). Probably the "human condition" is what units us "internet friends" with you. I went through something similar to what's happening to you (years ago). Same thing - ex-husband, ex-boyfriend. It was hell. It did take time & has worked out for the best, actually better than ever. I remember once a wonderful co-worker saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" & I hated that expression at the time but she was right. So did all the other cliches like "time heals all". At the time, when you're going through it, those adages don't mean anything. It's only after you've moved through it that you can look back & realize it's true. ODAAT - one day at a time. Maybe one second, one minute, one hour at a time. For a long time, like yourself, I didn't have any concentration for things like t.v. or reading - novels were impossible & even magazines - couldn't focus long enough. It will get better, Andrea. I believe that, wish that for you. You & "it" will get better. I think it's happening already. Glimpses of it. It's not a straight road - it's hilly ups & downs. You will get through it. Bless you on this beautiful (weather where I am anyway) day!


    1. Thank you Elle... I try to take it one day at a time. I wish the better times would last. I know from the divorce / 4-year separation, I will get better. Bill was a big part of me getting better.. he lifted me and held me thru those moments. I think that was a mistake on my part since I "used" him to get over my X. Used is a bad word... I truly liked Bill. I never gave him a good chance tho until I finally was divorced... by then he had emotionally moved on. Now I am faced again with compounded hurt... this time I am not going to let a man help me thru it. I will try to walk thru it, feel the pain, deal with the pain, and not use anything (especially love) to mask it. Hard hard stuff. Easier when there's another guy around saying you are beautiful, deserve better, married beneath you, were too smart for him, were too good for him, etc. Maybe I should take Bill's words from back then and apply them now... :)

      Thank you for chiming in. It helps. x o

  2. A psalm for Andrea

    Lord, be the saving light for Andrea,
    So that she can move forward without fear.
    Lord, be a living strength in Andrea,
    So that she can take the next step in confidence.
    If nasty people approach, trip them up and push them away from her.
    Even in the face of difficulties and hardships, be right next to Andrea,
    So that she can move forward without fear.

    Spread over Andrea the shelter of your peace,
    Each day and every day.
    Make the ground under her feet solid and sure,
    So that she can move forward without fear.
    When she feels fear and weakness,
    Lift up her head and show her eyes the beauty
    In the world and in herself.
    Enlighten her path,
    So that she can take the next step in confidence.

    Put a song in Andrea’s heart,
    And a melody on her tongue.
    Lord, hear her when she shouts for you,
    Or at you, or about you.
    Send a friend to be heavenly hands and feet,
    To help pack boxes or carry boxes or unpack boxes,
    So that Andrea can move forward without fear.
    Send a friend to be heavenly heart and mind,
    To talk, to cry, to laugh, or to be silent.
    Keep Andrea safe from enemies and liars,
    So that she can take the next step in confidence.

    Andrea, look at the world around you,
    and the ground under your feet,
    At the people near you.
    Can you see in them the spark of life and love, the goodness of God?

    Andrea, look for God!
    Be strong, and let your heart take courage.
    Move forward and take the next step, looking eagerly for God.

    Based loosely on Psalm 27

    1. I think that is thee most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me. Thank you for taking the time to write that for me. I will reflect on it often. I'm so touched... x o

  3. "Everything he's done with me, he's doing with her." That means he's probably cheating on her, too. So no need to be jealous.

    I found two things that were extremely effective for depression. Well, actually, I didn't find them. A friend of mine came over and pretty much forced me to try them, and I'm so glad she did.

    Exercise. Preferably outside. Even if it's not sunny. My god, what a difference that made. You do have to be careful of "side effects," though. If you run 5 miles the first time out, you can get some nasty shin splints. Exercise smart!

    And take vitamin D. D3 is supposed to be way better than D2, so read labels!

    And personally, I think chocolate is great for depression, but one of my friends says that all sugar is evil. See which one works for you!

    1. I take a Shaklee vitamin daily. Good stuff. I'll check on the Vit D3... never knew that. Have avoided sugar lately. Everything that has sugar now tastes too sweet! As you might have seen in the following post, I did get outside and it felt GREAT! Beautiful day to do that... sadly raining today.

      I'm not one for socializing much right now. I force myself to when I have the opportunity, but you are right. I'm taking some time to gather my thoughts and spent time mostly 1-1 with people instead of big groups. What a yucky depression this is. Not like anything I have ever experienced.

      Thanks Izzy for commenting.


  4. And remember--sometimes it's ok to hibernate a little in order to heal.

  5. Dear Andrea, I came over to visit from Common Household Mom's blog. I just wanted to tell you that I have been right where you are. I promise it gets better, and I know it is really hard right now. I guess the best thing I can think to say right now is to give yourself the gift of time and space to feel. Reading, particularly inspiration stories, helped me a lot. I pretty much had a self-help library. I'll send up a prayer for you. Love, Cheri

    1. Cheri, thank you. :) Thank you. It's always good to know someone has been thru something like this and survived. So I trust you when you say it gets better. It's scary to go thru it, however, in many other areas of my life time has healed.

  6. Don't forget this one super important thing ok? You never ever know for a fact what another person's life is really like. In other words, you can't judge if your ex is so much better or so much worse without you. You THINK you can, but you can't. Things always seem a shitload rosier on the outside than they do from the inside. So don't go down that path. Your ex-husband's life, your ex-boyfriend's life, those aren't yours to judge. And yours isn't for them to judge either. So don't waste your time or energy on that kind of thing. It's pointless. Might as well try and convince people the sky is green.

    1. Um, are you a friend of Lois? I've heard that before, from her... except orange sky.

      Bill once told me I have a tendency to overinflate things, except that for some reason I had underestimated his relationship with this woman, not over-estimated. I ran into them and saw how they were together. It hurts. I saw him do things for her he never did for me. I know... not my business, and truthfully, I'm done with talking to him and visiting him after breakup to witness his treatment of her. I know it was hurting me.

      I tend to imagine he's still on his best behavior with her, but I know that he is incapable of keeping it up long term. Still, it may take him months to show his real side... eventually it will show.

      I know I'm even goofy for even thinking this stuff. I just need to stop thinking about him (I am doing that as best I can) and move on. Ugh... Painful stuff. Dealing with insecurity that flood my mind and soul is life-threatening and I'm doing hard work to contradict those thoughts that put me down. Trust me.

      I've also been around my X-husband long enough to see how things are in his relationship. It's pretty good. I'm actually happy for him, mostly because it means Oliver is in a safe environment when he's with his dad and his dad's girlfriend.

      Unfair of me to judge their lives (Bill's and Matt's) as great and mine as shitty. I did hear Bill say that he is happier now than he's been in a long time.

  7. Common Household Mom sent me over here. I'm sorry to read this. Feeling so rejected rocks a person's world, even worse when it's supposed to be someone you trust and love. But you ARE worth so much and I am praying that you find peace and recognize how you are valued by people who are made of integrity.

    1. Hello! I have visited your blog for years, off and on. It's really cool to hear from you. What a beautiful comment. Thank you so much... thanks too for your prayers.



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