Where Feet May Fail

This is the song that moved me this morning, the one I could relate to...

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where my feet may fail...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise. Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me... And my faith would be made stronger.


You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

If you don't want to hear the sharing before the song, skip to 3:30...

As challenging as it is, I must let go, am letting go of the past and what I thought might be, was, or could be. I'm letting go of embarrassment, feeling less than, feeling like I didn't measure up, feeling like I need to explain myself, talk to him, win him back, change the course of events. I just give up and want to start over, move on and let go, as hard and as difficult as it is. You all may never understand... I know some of my friends do not. "He's a jerk! Why do you want someone who doesn't want you?" It's not that. It's really really not. Because I've been focused on what I had which is not this... it was something else, something I believed it. Of course I don't want someone who doesn't want me. Who would? If I saw a gorgeous man on the street, I'm not going to pull the covers over my head and cry because he was walking hand in hand with another woman. It's not that I want someone who doesn't want me. It's that I miss what I thought I had. I miss my friend, I miss the love, the lover, the giver, the sweet man I used to have. I don't know what happened and how that changed, and I may never know. It's just not as easy as you think.

I'm out of the dark now, and moving into healing. I'm focused on moving out of this house. I have incredible friendships; I always knew I had friends. They showed up when I had a baby too. And they are showing up now, one by one, spending their Saturday with me, aiding me in cleaning out a disgusting basement. It's as if I have had a savings account over the years and my money has multiplied over tenfold. I just couldn't believe yesterday. And how many people send me sweet messages, carrying me thru this.

But the longing for what I had doesn't just "go away". It's simply not the easy, not that quick. As much as I'd like to end this, I'm not that talented, nor am I wired for that.

It's taking all my strength and energy to move, to be a mom, to perform work for my business, to present myself in a professional manner to my new landlord, to ask friends to help, to accept that help, to sleep thru the night (seldom does that happen), to eat, to feed not only my son but myself, to hit up recovery meetings, to speak with my therapist, to be honest with people about what's happened and how I dealt with it and most of all, to begin to Trust God again... and even more so, to let go. To try my best to accept what was is no more.

Damn, that is not easy shit.

Please don't judge me for missing him... for what was. Even if the things he said and did in the end were horrible, cruel and mean. Not only to me, but hurtful in a way to my son because he never said goodbye to my son.

It's awful. And that I don't want in my life. Of course not.

Grief is different. So I mourn the loss of my friend Bill, the man who I felt really loved me at one time.


  1. Of course you grieve what you thought you had. It's normal and natural. It's hard for friends on the outside to see that because they love you and can't understand why you miss him. They don't know what you had (in the past), all they see is how badly you've been affected by this and they of course want you to heal and KNOW that there IS someone BETTER for you out there.

    Thanks for sharing with your blogsphere friends what is going on (and friends and family who might read this too). We are cheering you on. i'm sure Bill was special to you in many many ways. He most likely can't handle the break up either. He ran to someone else to cover up his hurt. I'm sure if she were gone, he would be missing you just as much even IF he knew you two were not meant to be together. She is like a drink to him. Like alcohol is to an alcoholic. She's a band aid to temporarily avoid the hurt. You, my dear, are NOT avoiding it. In the long run, you'll be further along the recovery path than him. Perhaps he will always find a way to "medicate" his loss of you so that he wont have to feel it. But maybe some day he will be alone long enough to feel it. Lets hope so, because to me, I think he made the biggest mistake of his life letting YOU go. You brought much into HIS life just like you say he brought into yours. My guess is you probably brought even more. The loss of YOU is too much for him. He couldn't deal.

    I hate to say it, but it really sucks when a new woman comes into the picture. It compounds the hurt and pain. It doubles it.

    But you'll get thru it. And if you turn to God, friends, family... give yourself a chance to heal proper (not by filling the void with anything unhealthy) you will be so incredibly strong. That is the HOPE for you. There is HOPE for you. And you, strong woman, are on that path!

    We out here are on your side and want you to be able to get past this. You'll have your day. One day, you will have your day...

    Much love,
    An internet friend


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