What am I Doing to My Little Boy?

Sigh. I wish I already knew everything; that I didn't have to go to school; and that I could just be an adult already and have that Corvette.

That was Oliver today at the breakfast table. He mopes about a lot lately. He's been asking for my attention, time with me. He's been having a hard time falling asleep at night. Not too clingy, but definitely not too happy. He sighs and tells me he's bored. Then he complains about where we are going, what we are doing. He asks for things we cannot do sometimes, like go to the grocery store (Why oh why does he want to go there so much lately?). He is sad when he wakes up because he is tired, and mostly sad because he doesn't want to go to school.

I hope he doesn't inherit my propensity for depression. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, and i have such a joie de vivre. The last two weeks of July and the beginning of August were some tough times for me, but I have resolved to be there for my son lately.

However, I am beginning to think the move and my focus on it has had a negative effect on him. I'm sure my rawness provoked an insecurity in him as well. His teacher told me that Oliver does not display signs of depression or sadness when in class. He is happy and seems to really be enjoying himself.

So where is the act? Is there one?

His father says that Oliver's complaints carry over into his home as well. "I'm tired. I don't want to walk. When will we be there? I don't want to do this."

On Saturday when my friends were here, a couple of them packed up his room. They also packed up his train table and he helped. I think that may have freaked him out. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of work to do.

And to be honest, I'm not as excited to move as I was only a few days ago. I love parts of this home and I will miss the comfort it gives me. The beautiful bath I have with the jet tub, Kohler bath fixtures. The sun setting into my bedroom. The deck attached to my bedroom that Matt built at my request.

I'm also fighting one last court battle this week. I'm not feeling good about sharing it online, but let me tell you, I've been thru so many lately that court rarely bothers me anymore. But this? This one is going to be hard because it does involve seeing Bill. Lord help me. This has just been such a nightmare. Sometimes I feel as if Bill is the devil himself... and how the hell did it go from an intimate loving relationship to a divergence of souls?  In just a matter of weeks! It's not like we actually grew apart! We were intimate physically and mentally until the very last moment! What the fuck happened?!!

My son knows nothing about court, but maybe he is picking up on my apprehension and fears. I try to be loving and kind to him, to show him I love him. I lay with him each night, scratch his back, talking softly about our dreams for the evening. Just like Bill used to do, my son has picked up the habit of wishing me Sweet Dreams each night after we kiss goodnight.

He's such a great little boy.

I'm so lucky.

And I'm finding my way back to him.

I just hope I'm not making his life unstable with all the changes. I've been so focused on what I am going thru that maybe I've ignored how many changes this little soul is going thru too. New grade, new classmates, new teachers, new home, all his toys are packed up (things we both wanted to keep out and play with together), his legos which were neatly separated into projects all lumped together in an unsorted tangle in a box, a new home, the unknown... he keeps asking, "Are we going today to our new place?" He's confused and in the dark, asking for me, having trouble sleeping... having trouble enjoying his life. I tell him he's brave and strong, he can do this.

Hell, I tell him that, but I'm not even sure I can do this.


  1. My two cents from afar without really and truly knowing you or Oliver...change is ok, change is normal and change is hard. Transition is difficult for everyone and some people have a really hard time with it. It would be crazy if he wasn't showing signs of stress or fear of the unknown. You guys are in limbo for a bit and limbo sucks. But that's OK!!! That is life. You can help him by listening to him. By validating his feeling and helping him put words to his feelings. "This is a bit scary, isn't it" "You must be feeling sad that your toys are all packed up and you're not sure what life is going to be like." And then listen and let him have his feelings. Moving provides great opportunities to learn about change-- always things we miss from the past life but also so much new stuff that we love. Talk about all that with him. Let him grieve and be scared. But also help him to talk about what he might look forward to. And that's my thoughts, from a girl who went to 6 elementary schools and still loves seeing new places. You're doing great...you'll get through tomorrow and keep on moving!! Thinking of you!!!!

    1. Thank you. Those are really great suggestions and I'll take them. We've talked a bit about it,but I like exactly what you said. And I can see that your changes you were able to deal with and they had a positive effect on you in some ways. I so appreciate your feedback. Thanks so much. :) Andrea

  2. Good comments from Anonymous @ 2:38. Oliver will be o.k. and so will you. I agree with something you said in an earlier post that we, your internet friends & your other friends & family as well, are here to support you but don't really know exactly what you're going through or how you feel (hope I got that right). Anyway, I understand & respect that & believe it too. You have to move through, & process this in YOUR own way. I think you're doing just that & doing well. I feel this is sort of like when you ask for or friends give you advice on something but you end up doing what you wanted to do all along & really, that's very normal & the way it should be. Sometimes all we want is for someone to just listen. Guess that's our role here as your "friends". I hope each day gets a little better for you. Am happy you have found a place & it will end up being home for you & Oliver because home isn't the place, it's what you take inside of you wherever you live. Think of and praying for you.



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