Unsettled
One day left until a dozen or so friends descend upon my home and carry these boxes away.
It's 5:30 am. I wake before sunrise daily, dark, quiet. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to last another 30 minutes longer, when the sky begins to turn a light grey. Often I rub my eyes and try to make out the time. Many mornings it's much earlier than I imagine, and then my thoughts go directly to Bill. If it's midnight, I imagine he's with her, if it's 3am, I feel secure that he's asleep. Do I care really? I try not to think about him mostly. Perhaps I go there out of habit.
It's getting better, sleeping. Anxiety had been preventing me from a full nights' slumber. I would wake at midnight. I wake at 1. 2:30. 3:30. 4:30. It was only once per night that my sleep was interrupted, yet I'd have a sinking pit in my stomach.
This is normal with grief and loss; something has been lost. Knots neatly twist and turn pain into a tight little ball, which at given hour, begins to slightly unravel. That's when I wake with a start. Ugh. Yuck. Sadness. Bill... Why? How could you?
A fair amount of reading or brain exercising will tire out my mind; my silent cry out to Bill is brief. Once at ease, I can then sleep until 5:30 — the point of no return. It's an unwelcome, one-way ticket to the beginning of my day.
The first waking hour has a lingering anxiety, almost always related to the break up. One last time I think of him and wish I knew what he was doing. Are they still together? Head to desk, I bow for a moment, then pray, asking God to relieve me of the desire for him, thoughts of him, hurt from him. Let me be free Lord to find the life I want... a quiet life, a content life, and allow me to find my self-esteem and dignity again.
It's been two months. Bill is a distant bell. Not long ago, I was dating someone, enjoying time with him, receiving kindness and love from him. I was living in my home, planning the next big project, adding it to the giant "to do" list. As the list became longer, I realized there may never be a possibility to complete my ideas. Attempts to regain this property may not work. I tried several different routes each resulting in utter failure, though none without optimism and hope. Bill shared my dreams and planned right along with me; he of course would be the one to execute them. He is a carpenter, extremely skilled and prideful in his trade.
My marriage and subsequent divorce did not end with much animosity and hatred. There isn't any hatred between us; for that I am grateful. I wouldn't pick my X-husband to be my friend, but there is a child involved, and somehow we found a way to get past ourselves, our hurt, fear, frustrations and self-centeredness, in order to focus on what's best for Oliver. (I could write a book about that.) It works, and in a quirky way, we've become friends. I get text pictures at times; he trusts me; I trust him; dare I tell you that I even like his partner? :) She's great actually, and I'm glad Oliver has someone who really cares about him in his life.
There is something stark, unsettling about having unresolved conflict between Bill and I; perhaps this is what it's like to have an adversarial divorce. Obviously we were not married, but I have not experienced ongoing adversarial interaction with a person you once loved. He is disgusted and extremely angry with me, and I'm not sure why. I reached out immediately, several times, after he stopped talking to me to find answers — I was met with rage. In doing so, I lost my dignity. He became even angrier. I stopped trying to find answers (I had one). The last time I saw him was in court. The last time I spoke with him was two weeks or longer prior to that. It's been well-over a month since we spoke, and when we did, he was not pleasant. I was graveling.
These are the feelings that come up as we prepare to move. I don't know what it will be like in the new place; will I miss this home? Will I find relief? We don't live in luxurious and fancy; but I do have some amenities that I'll miss: jet tub, lots of counter space, back patio attached to my bedroom, green grass and room for Oliver to play. Even Oliver says he will miss our home. Sigh... Then I remember there are people who do not have electricity, food, clothing, shelter, and I silence those thoughts, say praises of gratitude that we are healthy today, alive, and living in a wonderful neighborhood with an amazing school, with amazing people in my community. That part will not change.
I am loved by so many, and that is a big gift in my life, one which I cannot clearly see why I deserve. I think about all my faults, places where I need to improve. There is shame surrounding my faults and mistakes. Forgiveness for my own mistakes does not come easy. I am hard on myself. I want to learn to stop that, but self-criticism and high standards come naturally. Perhaps practicing mindfulness will help. Others are less so with me. I am loved.
Here's what friend said to me just today when I updated her on what's going on in my life the past two months:
I’m so incredibly sorry to hear you’re dealing with all this crapola right now! YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT! These dang men have NO IDEA how amazing you are! Screw them. This is completely Bill’s loss for sure. And, sounds like a fine time for you to focus on you and that sweet little mister… Oliver anyway! I know it’s easy for me to say, harder for you to do… but I do hope you know just how awesome you are. Beautiful, inside and out! Truly a shining soul!
Let me know if there’s anything I can help with. I’m always great at bringing wine and cheese to warm a new home with someone!!! ;) ;) You name the day… after you’re settled.
I love you, girl! Chin up, smile and shine! xoXO
I get texts and emails like this often. They lift me up, inspire me. They are one of the many hands that together carry me.
It was great to see you and Oliver today. I wanted to let you know that (child) and I are always here for you and Oliver. You look great and it sounds like things are on the up swing. I am so sorry you've been going through such a hard time. You are a strong and powerful woman who is capable of of anything. You are getting healthy.... if there is ever anything you need, please ask. I am here :)
And...
You have a very warm, sparkling personality and the world would be a darker place without you.
And...
I'm thinking about you all the time, please let me know if I can help you out in any way.
I will get thru this, I am getting thru it.
It's 5:30 am. I wake before sunrise daily, dark, quiet. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to last another 30 minutes longer, when the sky begins to turn a light grey. Often I rub my eyes and try to make out the time. Many mornings it's much earlier than I imagine, and then my thoughts go directly to Bill. If it's midnight, I imagine he's with her, if it's 3am, I feel secure that he's asleep. Do I care really? I try not to think about him mostly. Perhaps I go there out of habit.
It's getting better, sleeping. Anxiety had been preventing me from a full nights' slumber. I would wake at midnight. I wake at 1. 2:30. 3:30. 4:30. It was only once per night that my sleep was interrupted, yet I'd have a sinking pit in my stomach.
This is normal with grief and loss; something has been lost. Knots neatly twist and turn pain into a tight little ball, which at given hour, begins to slightly unravel. That's when I wake with a start. Ugh. Yuck. Sadness. Bill... Why? How could you?
A fair amount of reading or brain exercising will tire out my mind; my silent cry out to Bill is brief. Once at ease, I can then sleep until 5:30 — the point of no return. It's an unwelcome, one-way ticket to the beginning of my day.
The first waking hour has a lingering anxiety, almost always related to the break up. One last time I think of him and wish I knew what he was doing. Are they still together? Head to desk, I bow for a moment, then pray, asking God to relieve me of the desire for him, thoughts of him, hurt from him. Let me be free Lord to find the life I want... a quiet life, a content life, and allow me to find my self-esteem and dignity again.
It's been two months. Bill is a distant bell. Not long ago, I was dating someone, enjoying time with him, receiving kindness and love from him. I was living in my home, planning the next big project, adding it to the giant "to do" list. As the list became longer, I realized there may never be a possibility to complete my ideas. Attempts to regain this property may not work. I tried several different routes each resulting in utter failure, though none without optimism and hope. Bill shared my dreams and planned right along with me; he of course would be the one to execute them. He is a carpenter, extremely skilled and prideful in his trade.
My marriage and subsequent divorce did not end with much animosity and hatred. There isn't any hatred between us; for that I am grateful. I wouldn't pick my X-husband to be my friend, but there is a child involved, and somehow we found a way to get past ourselves, our hurt, fear, frustrations and self-centeredness, in order to focus on what's best for Oliver. (I could write a book about that.) It works, and in a quirky way, we've become friends. I get text pictures at times; he trusts me; I trust him; dare I tell you that I even like his partner? :) She's great actually, and I'm glad Oliver has someone who really cares about him in his life.
There is something stark, unsettling about having unresolved conflict between Bill and I; perhaps this is what it's like to have an adversarial divorce. Obviously we were not married, but I have not experienced ongoing adversarial interaction with a person you once loved. He is disgusted and extremely angry with me, and I'm not sure why. I reached out immediately, several times, after he stopped talking to me to find answers — I was met with rage. In doing so, I lost my dignity. He became even angrier. I stopped trying to find answers (I had one). The last time I saw him was in court. The last time I spoke with him was two weeks or longer prior to that. It's been well-over a month since we spoke, and when we did, he was not pleasant. I was graveling.
These are the feelings that come up as we prepare to move. I don't know what it will be like in the new place; will I miss this home? Will I find relief? We don't live in luxurious and fancy; but I do have some amenities that I'll miss: jet tub, lots of counter space, back patio attached to my bedroom, green grass and room for Oliver to play. Even Oliver says he will miss our home. Sigh... Then I remember there are people who do not have electricity, food, clothing, shelter, and I silence those thoughts, say praises of gratitude that we are healthy today, alive, and living in a wonderful neighborhood with an amazing school, with amazing people in my community. That part will not change.
I am loved by so many, and that is a big gift in my life, one which I cannot clearly see why I deserve. I think about all my faults, places where I need to improve. There is shame surrounding my faults and mistakes. Forgiveness for my own mistakes does not come easy. I am hard on myself. I want to learn to stop that, but self-criticism and high standards come naturally. Perhaps practicing mindfulness will help. Others are less so with me. I am loved.
Here's what friend said to me just today when I updated her on what's going on in my life the past two months:
I’m so incredibly sorry to hear you’re dealing with all this crapola right now! YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT! These dang men have NO IDEA how amazing you are! Screw them. This is completely Bill’s loss for sure. And, sounds like a fine time for you to focus on you and that sweet little mister… Oliver anyway! I know it’s easy for me to say, harder for you to do… but I do hope you know just how awesome you are. Beautiful, inside and out! Truly a shining soul!
Let me know if there’s anything I can help with. I’m always great at bringing wine and cheese to warm a new home with someone!!! ;) ;) You name the day… after you’re settled.
I love you, girl! Chin up, smile and shine! xoXO
I get texts and emails like this often. They lift me up, inspire me. They are one of the many hands that together carry me.
It was great to see you and Oliver today. I wanted to let you know that (child) and I are always here for you and Oliver. You look great and it sounds like things are on the up swing. I am so sorry you've been going through such a hard time. You are a strong and powerful woman who is capable of of anything. You are getting healthy.... if there is ever anything you need, please ask. I am here :)
And...
You have a very warm, sparkling personality and the world would be a darker place without you.
And...
I'm thinking about you all the time, please let me know if I can help you out in any way.
I will get thru this, I am getting thru it.
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