No Dread This Morning

Today is the first day I woke without panic and dread. I also made it thru the evening, even tho I knew what my ex-boyfriend might have been up to. I dismissed all thoughts of him (and her) and told myself to be in the present.

I went to a study group (my church has small groups) and relaxed into a comfortable place as old friends who truly care about me filled the room. I did not bring up everything about myself last night; most know anyway. I did ask for prayers for Oliver as his mornings are filled with sadness. He does not seem to like school, and never has. It saddens me. I worry for him.

I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday who was someone I worked with at the old agency. She and I and another gal were laid off at the same time. She lives near me, we have much in common. I hadn't spoken with her most of the summer. It was nice to catch up and I found myself referring to Bill as a jerk. I surprised even myself.

I would no longer take him back. I wanted to at one point, but no more. I'm starting to see him for who he is NOW, and starting to distrust most of what he said to me in the past 6 months or more. I see he really did care for me the first couple years. We both learned things along the way; he was truly kind, caring and loving. This year was riddled with sadness over us. I think he began to pull away a few months ago, maybe when he met this new friend. Our differences perhaps became magnified, who knows.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

I imagined him returning to me and found myself telling him to F-off, to get out, to leave me alone. I almost hate him but I don't. I don't want him around me nor my son. I think I was too good for him; perhaps he knew that on some level. I'm far more successful than he is. I'm happier (I was anyway). I grab life and have a ton of fun. I am on a whole different level than he is. In a lot of ways, I'm healthier than he is.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

Trust me, I'm not blameless in this situation at all either. I was good to him, but I have my faults (we all do). I don't think I caused a break up, and I do think I was mislead by him.

Regardless, it doesn't matter.

I'm moving on. I'm sure there will be days I miss him. I'm sure eventually he may miss me. I really don't know, and I'm even getting to the point where I don't care.

Funny how I go thru ups and downs. Only a few days ago I felt horrible that he left. Only a week ago I missed him terribly. Ten days ago I'd have done anything to have him back. Today I feel the pain and know that I am on my way to hopefully something better. Everyone tells me I deserve better. EVERYONE. I just have to believe it. Maybe there is a tiny crack in my soul that believes that too. Maybe...

Working on getting my self-esteem back and doing things that help me to feel good about myself. I'm working today. Each time I speak with my contact at the agency I'm contracting with, I feel good about me. Each box packed I feel good. Each time I lay my head on the pillow I let go of my troubles.

I still am working on finding my way back to my son. There is not a lot written about depression's effects on maternal instinct. There's a ton written about post-partum depression, but not about this kind. I can tell you that this change in me did affect my desire to be present for my son, yet I worked hard to get that back. Some days it's an act. My head and even my heart knows to be there for him; it takes effort where wanting to be with him came naturally at one time. I still love him as much; I see him at lunch and we have breakfast and dinner together every night. I play with him. I love him. I tell him he's smart, strong and capable. Yet in order to do that, I push thru something. I'm not sure what it is... like opening a very heavy heavy door to walk into a room. The strength it takes, the extra time it takes, the effort... that's what being there for Oliver is like right now. Breathing is shallow, stale, warm.

Working on it guys. Truly, I am.



Comments

  1. So proud of you, Andrea! Yesterday may have been tough, tomorrow may be hard, but today.... today is a good day. And we are just taking them one at a time right now, in hopes that a pattern of goodness starts to stick.
    xo

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    1. Thanks Kelly. Every day gets a little better, some days more than others. I appreciate knowing you are here.

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  2. I'm glad to know you're having a good day today. Some days may be harder than others, but overall it will keep getting better and better. I'm not walking in your shoes, of course, but I had a similar pair. XO

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    1. Cheri, thanks... It does help to know you and a few others have gone thru similar and survived. I know I will heal, but sometimes a part of me doubts what I know to be true! :)

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  3. As a creative person, you have an infinite amount of ways to envision a healthy new life for yourself. Take out a canvas and paint a new image. Open a new browser window and explore the places you want to go. Click on a fresh document and design a new reality. When you have curated only the ideas and images that will give you peace...then live there:)

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    1. :) Spoken like a true designer! I love this vision and have already shared it with my son this evening (I didn't mention you left the comment tho!) :D :D :D

      I really did share this thought with him... told him we are painting a new picture, drawing a new drawing, that we have a blank piece of paper just like he has before every wonderful drawing he has done before (I think he's a nascent artist or a designer as well)... and that we get to imagine the kind of life we want to have next. He listened and pondered those thoughts.

      Thank you!

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