Wow... This is the Worst Struggle

I'm not sure how I can give all my power and self-esteem away to one single person. I guess lesson learned. I'm also trying to remember the "regrets" I had when my marriage ended. I remember saying, "If I had to do it all over again I'd walk away and divorce him sooner than he thought I would." I wish I would not have waited two years or so before he could make up his mind whether he wanted me or not.Why can't I be one of those women who walk away from a jerk and say Fuck You Asshole, I deserve better and so does my son.

I re-read a few things from 2010 when Matt first left and I see that I was struggling but at least during that time the pain was coupled with hope. Here I have none. No hope at all, and I am living in constant fear. Fear of what? Too private to share.

There is much going on, too much all at one. Two significant relationships ending, one major betrayal, one loss of a home, not knowing when I am going to have to move (is it days? One month? Two months?) or is there still hope I can keep this house? I am up in the air with work and how much I will now be making in the next few months. I just turned a significant age and my X broke up with me on that particular date and wont even so much as return a call or a text. Hormones play a major factor and then there's the anxiety and the brain chemistry. History of depression and suicidal thoughts. Hospitals are not the answer, trust me. The system is not designed to help but to imprison and sedate the patient then lump ship them off like cattle into out patient intensive therapy where they make you do scrapbooks of hopes and dreams. That is all bullshit and if I want to get better I have to wait until the meds kick in and then just face my day with as much strength and fake happiness as I can. I seriously don't want to talk to anyone. I doubt if my x knows how bad it is for me or how his actions have nearly led me to ending my own life.

I am not suicidal. I want to live and I have no thoughts to end it. I am just beside myself with pain.

Besides, please know that by shoving someone like me in the hospital will not work. I am already under a physician's care and we are just waiting for the meds to start doing their thing so that I can return to a functional state.

All I can say is Oliver Oliver Oliver. Oliver Oliver Oliver. He needs me, that's what you all say but sometimes I do think he might be happier without such a sad Mommy around.


  1. Sad Mommy or not, you are what Oliver wants and needs & you need him too. In some ways he is your little source of strength to go on. My heart goes to you, Andrea. Wishing you hope & peace and, as always, praying for you & Oliver.

    a friend

    1. Thank you... you're right. I need him too. He is my source... (read the next post). He is the reason I am still here.

  2. I think Sir Winston Churchill put it most succinctly when he said:

    "If you find yourself going through hell, keep going"

    Being a parent is the most beautiful and most noble calling in this world. And while I apologize in advance for sounding cliche, find strength in this and know that you are not alone. You and Oliver are in my prayers.

    1. Thanks David. Glad you leave me comments. They are very helpful. This is one long walk thru hell tho. :) Thanks for the prayers.


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