Walking a Tightrope

I had an easy night. Peaceful, hopeful, relaxed. I found a place I thought might work to move into, and I felt happy and optimistic.

I woke with anxiety, panic.

I have a bit of alone time today before another friend gets here to help me pack. Oliver arrives at 2:30, and I look forward to seeing him. But that's when the "act" starts. I have to have conversation with a friend, and I have to muster up the strength to be there for my son.

Feeling overwhelmed with how much there still is to do, I read the legal documents for tomorrow's court appearance. I admit: I'm fucking scared! I am really afraid.

I went to church today, begrudgingly. I don't feel God is here for me, and my faith walk is weak. I went for two reasons: because a mentor was going to have me sit with her family there, and because I was to meet with a deacon regarding help moving. I sat alone, feeling the clench around my heart. Nothing would open it up. The music, which used to elate me, bring me to tears, give me hope, instead sounded like noise in my crazy head. Not the melody nor the lyrics affected me. Then my friend showed up, touched me softly on my back and she and her family sat with me. I began to cry. I was fine until she showed up. She kept her hand on my back for quite some time, and I could feel the twisted knot in my heart begin to loosen, but not completely

Still, the music, even the sermon did very little for me. At least I was there.

Afterwards I met with the deacon and could not hold back my tears. I was asking for help moving, but there are a lot of requests they get for that. I have to fill out a form.

On the way out my favorite pastor was greeting people at the door for the next service. Just as I had finally wiped my tears from my eyes, I said hello, and he greeted me with a hug. Asking how I was doing, I began to cry again. "We're here for you. Anything we can do, just let us know." I told him a bit about my depression and then told him I had asked for him a couple weekends ago, knowing he doesn't meet with women normally. I shared that I had been in a such a bad place and that his words had always helped me and gave me hope. He had been away that weekend anyway, so I never had the chance to meet with him.

I walked to my car not feeling any better than I did when I left my home this morning.

It just sucks he's with someone else. It's THAT that I cannot handle, and it hurts more than anything I can describe. I go back to those dark thoughts again, thinking this is all too much for me. The packing, the moving, court tomorrow, the acting "as if" and the long road of healing ahead. I miss him so much and just wish he didn't have this wall of anger and distain for me. Why is it I feel like the heel, the bad guy, the sick psycho one?

The comments you left yesterday were encouraging and if anyone who reads this would like to leave one, it is so helpful to hear what you think, especially if you can help me knock him off that dang pedestal I have him on. This is not a fun place to be in, and I just want to take a pill and go back to bed. I can't because I have paid work to do before anyone shows up here today, and then I have to save my energy for my son, my meeting tonight, and court tomorrow.

I'm just so heartbroken today. This really fucking hurts and sucks. I wish it were just a normal breakup where I knew he was hurting too, but he's not.


Comments

  1. He's an ass, he's an ass, he's an ass. Seriously, he's an ass. What kind and worthwhile person would treat you this way after spending so much time with you and your son? You deserve someone who is able to and willing to work at a relationship when trouble hits. He is obviously not capable of this work. He's gone to someone else to feel that easy time again. It's nothing to do with you or her. It's because he can't handle the struggle but men are out there who can handle it. Take a breath, get through today. You deserve another day.

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    1. OMGoodness, you made me laugh. :)

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    2. Thank you... also I wanted to say that I thought that too. After all these years and all the things we've been thru together, how can he do this? I think it's a beautiful distraction. He doesn't have to hurt about me one bit. Anger also keeps the hurt away. It's sad for me and sad for my son bc my son says he misses him and that he loves him. Sigh...

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  2. I am like a street protester knocking this guy off the pedestal. He doesn't belong there, and I've got my ropes and I'm pulling him down! GAAAH! Take that!

    I've had days where I had to act "as if" and as awful as it is, somehow I think the acting can help us get through, so that we can at least function at work and for the kids.

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    1. True true. My son asked if I was crying today when I was driving. I was not. No, I said. Then I told him I was doing better and that I was going to be OK, that he didn't have to worry about me too much. I know it's good to let them see you hurt, but sometimes enough is enough and he doesn't need to stress about my hurts. He needs to know that I hurt but that I am getting thru it, even tho inside it does not feel as if I am! :) Thanks for chiming in. I like that image of you and the ropes getting him down!

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  3. Andrea, this guy is a fucking loser. He is not a man but a coward. Unable to deal with stress and life's commitments, he takes the easy way out and starts a new affair. Of course you are hurting, breakup hurts like hell. It is a blow to our heart, our soul and ego, it shatters our whole being. It will hurt for a while no matter how many people tell you he is not worth it (... and honestly he isn't worth it!) but the pain will go away.

    Just take one day at a time. Do what needs to be done today and deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. There is no easy way about this, sometimes it feels like torture BUT you will get over this. His behavior is vindictive and mean, maybe you saw a side of him that you liked, even loved. But this is the other side of him and to me he looks like a gigantic clown.

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    1. Thank you. I love what you said and appreciate your support.

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  4. Andrea, the thought I have had reading your recent posts is the same I had with Matt and I want to re-tell you that you are fixating on his being with another woman. And that is just not not not the issue here. I know you know that, but I think that is the issue that is keeping you up at night. That he picked someone else.

    I want to remind you that YOU SURVIVED THIS with Matt. Your SPOUSE. The parent of your child. You pulled yourself up by the boot-straps, you parented your son, you pursued your career, you cultivated friendships. THIS. With this man. This is do-able. No matter WHAT you thought of him, he is no longer who you hoped he was. What a disappointment! Truly. But this is not your first rodeo and you have survived something much, much harder. STOP thinking about that other woman. Stop trying to talk to him and get closure- you are making yourself look silly to him and you owe yourself your dignity.

    I also want to caution you not to project grown emotions onto your son. I don’t doubt that he is smart and mature, but he is a child. Of course he professes to miss this man. But he would also miss a puppy that went away or a nice babysitter. This loss will not affect his life long-term, but YOUR well-being will. It’s his lifeline, Andrea. Continue talking to people, drag your ass to church, and BE the woman Oliver needs. YOU HAVE IT IN YOU. He will get over that man, Andrea. It’s you that needs to lead the charge.

    This was hard for me to type because “tough love” is not my specialty, but I wanted to remind you what you have been through before and how you have managed to THRIVE. I agree with the poster above me who suggested just tackling one day at a time. You can do that! "Fake it 'til ya make it" is around for a reason. One tiny step of holding it together at a time. You know what you are capable of. This man has no right to your life, your love, or your son. Period.

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    1. Thanks Kelly....

      What IS the issue? I just don't get it.

      But I appreciate all that you said and I love what you wrote; thanks for having the courage to write it. Tough love is really hard but you put it in a way that is understandable.

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    2. Andrea, I wanted to try and respond to your question because I can see that you truly do want to understand how to deal with this in a healthy way. Just that DESIRE for understanding is wonderful, and a true sign that you are really working so hard to conquer this heartbreak.

      I guess what I was trying to say was that fixating on the new girl is a distraction from what you are really wrestling with: someone you love chose someone else. He hurt you. He left you. You are betrayed. Whether or not he was still single and alone and crying, or in the arms of someone else, your pain is about you and the loss of a relationship. Even letting your imagination run about with thoughts of her, what she has that you don’t, whatever… is fruitless.

      If I came to my friend’s house and said I didn’t get a job I really wanted, but they hired some other girl. Then spent time talking about that girl, what she must have had that I didn’t, how she looked, the car she drove, whatever… I think my friend might shake me and say “KELLY. This has nothing to do with her. Why are we talking about her? This is about you not getting a job. You are misplacing your frustration.” Whether they hired her or NO ONE, they did not choose me. I wasn’t what they wanted. THAT is the issue. That is my problem.

      I am happy to hear you haven’t been contacting him and want to reassure you that you are very fresh off of this heartbreak. This is very new and you have every right to process it and have good days and bad days. I think it’s wonderful that you write here and allow us to give you constructive input, which you get to choose to take or leave. We are all pulling for you. Your thoughts about this other woman and what they may or may not be doing are hindering your progress. Your thoughts need to, and I think they WILL with time, turn to you. He is obviously looking out for number one. Your turn.

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    3. Ah yes, all true. That is my insecurity. As well, I am dealing big time with betrayal, while at the same time wondering what she has that I don't. I feel like she falls short actually. I did speak with her at the bookstore. She knew who I was and asked to speak with me alone. We sat down and talked and she asked me why I was still interested in him, that she didn't steal him from me. I was a bit surprised she knew so much about me. I imagine he shared about me, that he told her I still wanted to be with him. She said she was a "loser", that she has nothing... she's just a 40-year-old waitress and has nothing to show for her life... and I have everything: my own business, a son, a home, a career. And the she said she didn't steal him from me, and that I should show him I don't need him. I have no understanding of why she said this to me. I just told her that I had three years with him and that I still loved him and was shocked he was with someone just days after we broke up. She said she likes him a lot tho, and she is falling for him big time and he is for her too. That was that. It sickened me, and that's when I knew I could not call him, write him or try to get thru to him. It's fucking hard. Trust me. I'm sick to my stomach about it.

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    4. She may consider herself a loser and maybe she is a loser, what do I know. But she gave you some excellent advice, show him you don't need him. Because you really don't!

      There are a lot of fish in the ocean, he is just a small guppy. Next!

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  5. Everything Kelly said! A thousand times. Andrea, you need some tough love right now! Stop with the other woman, stop with the comparison of how old or pretty or tall she is. She is not the issue. She is a nobody, it doesn't matter if she is younger or has three heads growing out of her neck. And for the love of God, do not call or text him. It is done, the only way out of this misery is moving on and moving forward.

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    1. AMEN. Well said. DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANY WAY !!!!!!

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    2. Hey y'all.... I have NOT contacted him. I have not talked to him since I ran into him at the mall 2 weeks ago and then at the bookstore with his new girl. I haven't written him or texted him since over 2 1/2 weeks ago.

      I was in Athleta at the mall, and he was standing at the door when I walked out. He said he saw me in there. We walked and talked a bit and then that was it. The very next night I went to the local bookstore and when I turned the check out he walked in with her. We chatted a bit then and that was it. That night is the last time I spoke with him, and that was August 12 (at the boostore).

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    3. OK Anon @ 11:48 am, what IS the issue? I asked Kelly the same thing.

      But y'all are right. I'm totally fixated on him being with someone else. UGG! I am looking forward to getting past this and I am already slowly starting to feel better. But I don't get what you guys are saying. I thought he basically dumped me for someone else.

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  6. Let's look at it this way.
    What can you control?
    Only your reaction.

    So, write, yell, run. Do what it takes to get rid of the negative emotions you can't control right now, but don't let him know about it, and don't blame yourself for it.

    I am the Anonymous who said you are worth more than this man. Wow, was I right.

    He is the one losing out. You are the winner, to be rid of him.

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  7. Boy I have a knack for missing all the big stuff don't I?

    I'm here for you, now that I've shown up again. Things have been a bit cloudy on my end. For different, not entirely comprehensible reasons.

    SMOOCH SMOOCH sugarbeet!

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  8. I've been WONDERING where you were?!!! I've checked your blog often and saw very little in terms of updates. I guess it happens, life, and we get too busy to write. I hope you're well and SO SO glad to hear from you! Don't stay away so long next time! :) x o x o

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