This Morning

Clipped wings can grow again. Broken voices regain a strength and beauty unknown before.

I just love that quote, I woke at 3am, heart beating so fast. Luckily I fell back asleep and work this time at 6 am. I still have a hard time not obsessing.

My son is with his father this weekend and it feels good to be alone. I can just take care of me only today, which sometimes is nice. While I have the energy to take care of only one person it seems, my son is usually first and then I get left behind. Today is different... I'm putting myself first. I have a meeting with a deacon from my church to ask for help moving, then I have two friends coming over to help me pack. I still don't know when I will have to move. I'm hoping I have a month at least because all of the emails I sent out yesterday regarding a September 1 move-in date have not been returned. I'm not sure I can find something this short notice for September 1, altho I would really like to get out of this house and start anew. I'm looking forward to it actually.

I'm caught in the middle right now; I want to let go and I haven't been able to. His anger toward me is hurtful and offensive. His betrayal is sickening. My friend told me last night that a healthy man would have respect for me (and himself) by not leaping into another relationship so quickly. I just can't understand why he's so angry. He was a good friend to me for so many years. I am baffled by it.

On the other hand, I am doing better some days. I have eaten a few times now. I'll try to hit the gym. I feel good when I take care of things. I remember that I am successful, employed, have money in the bank, and have a good little son. I have much that I have done for myself and I am a good person.

I start with the basics and try to stave off his laughter and humiliation of me. His eye-rolling, his distain, his dismissal.


  1. If he is not showing you the respect that you deserve than that is saying a lot about his character. I think you are putting this guy on a pedestal ( at least you did) but he really doesn't belong there. Let him go. He is bad news. He doesn't seem stable, a grown man doesn't need three years to figure out that fatherhood, commitment and living together is not for him. This is BS! Who cares with whom he sleeps around, wetter she is old or young, fat or thin, it doesn't matter. You don't need him!

    Don't burn your energy on something that is not what you hoped it would be. A new place to live is a new start, that is positive, concentrate on that. Fretting wetter or not you can keep the house has been going on for way too long, cut your losses, move away from the past, it is holding you back.

    You have been through worse and came out the other side. You will be fine. Just keep going.

  2. Andrea, I agree with annonymous @ 10:42. Well said. He exhibited his "true colours" to you a few times in 3 years & that is who he really is. But it is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees & you may have thought it would improve. It won't. What's that saying: "When a person shows you who they are first time, believe them". That about sums him up. Also agree with anon that it doesn't matter if she's thinner, prettier, younger. Let her have him. - he'll treat her the same as you or maybe they deserve each other.

    Glad to hear you are embracing the move now. It will be a clean slate for you & Oliver. Wishing you all the best. Glad your friends & church are helping out. Chin up!

    xo a friend

  3. I am glad to hear that you are doing better on some days and that you are able to take care of some things.

    I agree with the assessments of the "Anonymouses". In my experience, someone who humiliates others is actually himself in sorry shape and is just avoiding a self-assessment in which he would see that his own behavior is humiliatingly shameful.

  4. To all who have commented today: your comments have helped and propel me forward. I wish I knew who you were. :) But it's OK to remain Anonymous. CHM, you often check my blog and for that you have no idea how grateful I am.

    I had two friends here today helping me pack. My dining room is done. Much of my kitchen is done. I have only enough here to get me thru a month or so. I can live on little supplies. I have a ton of things packed and I just looked at a house in my neighborhood that is for rent. PLEASE PRAY THAT I GET IT! There are slim pickings in Shorewood right now for September. This one is ready in October. It's one block away and still so close to school that we can walk. Has a yard, etc. If only ONE thing right now goes well in my life, please please let this be it. :)

    Thank you for your comments about him. I need to hear those things because I did indeed have him on a pedestal. Help me knock him off. It's really hard.


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