The Judge Ruled

Yesterday we went to court and I was able to present my case clearly, effortlessly and effectively. The judge ruled in my favor and I have 90 days to move. I am almost packed up and will try to move sooner. I hope and pray something works out for October.

I went to bed last night feeling more like "me" than I have felt in a long long time.

But I wake today in a state of panic. Like I have shared with friends who are near to me, I often feel I am not me. This is not me, this depression, compulsion, obsession. And that scares me. I am not like this normally, and I was NOT like this when Matt left. I did not act compulsively, and I had a sense about me to continue to take care of my son (at least) and at times, me.

This is different. I'm really scared that there is something wrong with me, chemically. I am really not acting like I normally would, and that scares me. I am not in control of myself it feels.

I am sick to my stomach still over being betrayed.

I put that aside to focus on work and moving and my son. But alone here in my room, mornings are hard. When you go thru a loss, there are days — sometimes many of them in a row — when you wake and reality hits you with a Mac truck. Those are painful days and I truly thought when Matt left I would not feel like this again over a relationship. I knew I might over death of a loved one, but not a relationship. I never thought I would be betrayed by a man I trusted, who knew exactly how painful things were for me when dealing with my marriage break up, who was there for me during those painful times, held me, loved me, cared for me. I never thought in a million years that the person who held me during some of those painful times and knew my most intimate thoughts and fears, would end up doing the exact same thing! The exact same thing?

Sometimes I just want him back. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him (tho he's not one to let anyone do that. The minute you start to express anger he walks away) ... and I know I will never get a chance to do that. He still has a very expensive cooking pan of mine that I know he has tucked away in his closet. I fear daily that he will stop by or that I will receive a box in the mail of my stuff. I DREAD THAT DAY. Why? Because it feels final. It's as if I am still connected to him knowing my stuff is not thrown out (at least last time I was there it was not thrown out) ... and maybe memories of me have not been thrown out either.

I imagine seeing him again and telling him off. I imagine a day where he returns because he misses me. She and he didn't work out. I imagine him taking her to his family for holidays just like he took me and Oliver. I imagine him loving her more than he loved me.

This is all the shit that goes thru my brain daily, and it scares me that I am still so obsessed. I am heartbroken. I am hurting. I hate this. I have to go thru it until it ends. Driving to court yesterday the thought occurred to me again, "This is all too much for me." And the very next thought,  “I should have killed myself a long time ago. The last 5 years have been painful as hell. How much more will I go thru yet?”

My brain and fears take me to scary dark places. It's all I can do to hide it from my child and the world. If only they knew what I was going thru, how badly I want to end this pain and my life at times.

Court ended up empowering, almost fun. Oliver had a blast and charmed the sox off the judge. It was a easy, good experience for Oliver, and I'm glad I brought him. He helped me win my case, and he made the day fun in court. Lots of people laughed as Oliver was entertained by the judge. He was told by the judge, twice, that he was meeting the nicest judge he would ever meet. Judge Foley (for the record). He was fun. He invited Oliver up to the judge's seat, let Oliver bang the gavel (Oliver is 6) and state, "Order in the court." Then he repeated after the judge, "I hearby order my mother to pay me $25 in allowance each week." and down with the gavel. The judge also asked what kind of judge Oliver would be? Did he want to put anyone in jail. Oliver said no and the courtroom laughed as the judge said, "Oh... you're going to be a lenient judge!" Then he said, "What about a few lawyers? We could put a few lawyers in jail, don't you want to do that?" Then the whole courtroom burst out laughing. It was a nice start and calmed my fears when it came to pleading my case.

The night ended OK too. Went to a meeting and heard exactly what I needed to hear. Even tho it's date night for my x and his gf, (yes I know too much about them)... I came home, lit a candle and read. I felt at peace last night, somewhat, even tho I knew they were probably having sex at some point. Ugh. The thought made me sick.

I read, took a sleep aid and fell asleep. Woke in panic, and now starts my day.

Just know, between heartbreak, betrayal and brain chemistry all effed up, I'm really scared. I am not loving my life right now.

Thanks for the interaction and comments yesterday Most were helpful. Tough love is really hard to hear, but the other stuff was a bit easier to digest. Moving on is not that easy but you guys have been supportive.

Either I go thru with this or find a way to end my life. I still walk that line at times, and I just pray that my brain chemistry gets itself sorted out so that I can feel the zest for life again that I once felt. I know that ending my life would be detrimental to Oliver. He needs me more than I think he does. Because this damn crap going thru my head tells me he'd get over it and he's still young. He'd be fine with his dad's girlfriend as a stepmom. That's what this messed up brain chemistry does. It convinces me that I will find peace, that he will be OK. The rest of the people in my life? As I said when I wrote, The Truth About Suicide, the rest of those people don't matter to me right now, even tho I love them dearly. I just want to stop hurting. Badly. I so badly want to stop hurting.

Please continue to be patient and supportive. I promise you I am trying. It's not easy.


  1. I am so glad to hear the judge ruled in your favor and you have a few months to line something up. I KNOW something will pan out and I think a fresh new start will be so good for you. A home, even if it's not what you dreamed of, a home that is JUST for you and Oliver. That doesn't carry painful memories behind every door.

    Thank you for sharing so openly with us. It ties my stomach in knots to hear you talk about the appeal of death, but I understand that your brain is going there some right now. I pray that you are in close contact with your counselor and that your meds might help you sooner than later. The thought that Oliver would be ok without you is a lie- and I know you know that. But your death would be his "story" forever, Andrea. Every relationship he ever had, every decision he ever made- it would all be tinged by that. Forever. It would break his heart in an irreparable way and he would carry the burden that his mother chose to leave. I know you know all of that, but I want to make sure you hear it. This is worth the agony because you WILL come out of this and be yourself again. You will take Oliver to take his driver's test one day. You will help him tie his tie for prom. You will thrive and spend your life loving him, and you will look back one day and say "I can't believe there was a time when I thought I could miss all of this." Your depression tells you that this is your new normal and that, too, is a lie. I pray that today is a good day for you. One foot in front of another.

    1. Agony barely describes my morning. This is the worst depression I have ever experienced and it scares me how bad it gets. I am definitely not myself. Last night was so nice, and then to wake to such God-awful emotions today was shocking. I am functioning and getting my work done today by some miracle... All I can say is that it's frightening how I spiked this morning and I sure hope meds will work.

    2. And btw, thank you for your kind and caring words of support.

  2. Hey that is great news about your courthouse experience!
    However, not so great news about your health my dear lady. I want you to do me a favor, just one silly favor. I want you to get your cell phone and save this number to your contacts: 8002738255. You can save it as Help Me. When those thoughts about killing yourself start up their chant, dial that number please. I also think you should make an emergency session with your counselor and be very frank about what you have been hearing in your head. In your post The Truth About Suicide, you emphasized you aren't suicidal. Except, well, you are. It is much easier to get help at the point you are in now than the point you will be in later if you don't get actual help. Talk to your counselor right away. See her as often as you can afford to. You might want to even reach out to your BEST friend, your very best most dearest friend, and tell her the truth and tell her to please check on you because you feel like you are slipping and you are scared.
    It's ok to be scared Andrea. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be heartbroken. It's ok to be betrayed. It's not ok to jump ship.
    You have a lot more control over your mind than you believe you do right now. By telling yourself that this isn't you and that scares you, you are taking away that control. Yes, my love, this IS you. This is your breakdown. Just because it's unlike anything you've ever experienced before doesn't mean it's not you. It IS you. And you can manage it if you take ownership of it. When the shitty thoughts start, STOP them. When you think about the idiot, or his chick, or suicide, STOP them. Even if you have to say it out loud tell yourself NO. I am NOT going to think about that now. I am not going to feed that greedy bastard. You know how you count to ten when you're losing your temper? Count ten blessings to restore yourself. They can be the stupidest most mundane blessings but freaking count them. And keep saying NO NO NO to the yucky crap. Yes the meds are going to help but you are the one who has to heal. Wear a rubberband on your wrist. Snap that thing when your brain wanders to the yucky stuff. Say NO. Whatever it takes, you must slam the brakes on these totally crappy thoughts. Because they will kill you in the end. And that is NOT the best solution for you or for Oliver but more importantly you. Because YOU are important. YOU matter. Even if there was no Oliver, Andrea. Even if it was just you. You are important. You matter. You belong here. Andrea matters. Say it over and over again. Andrea matters.
    I'm sorry the wanker did this to you but you need to stop making your life about him right now. Because the wanker doesn't matter. Andrea matters. The wanker is not important. But Andrea? Yes, Andrea is important.

    1. Hard to do....

      All the suggestions about my counselor and friend have already been done. Trust me, I am working hard to get thru this.

      The anxiety and pain is overwhelming... It's morning as I respond to you, and that seems to be the hardest part of the day for me, the first 6 hours upon awakening. It seems impossible to control my mind and take ownership or manage this experience. Perhaps as I move thru my day, I will be able to.

      You are the FIRST person to tell me that I need to do this for ME... even if there was no Oliver. That is a new thought, because mostly I don't care so much for me right now.

      Thank you doesn't seem enough. Thank you anyway. x o

  3. Oh this is so right and so true! Save that number. Call it!! Call your counselor. I agree!!! Andrea matters!


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