I Take it Back, Morning's Suck

Similar to what my life was like when Matt left, the dawn brings with it new challenges. How to fill up my day and not obsess is something I'm not great at.

We have plans for the day: the races. I have tickets for both days. I'll do my best to put aside thoughts of him and her and try to act like I'm enjoying my time with my son.

He needs me and I'll do what I can to be there for him. I'd rather stay in bed all day, medicate, and hide from life. That's not me, and maybe that's the part of me that you all say is strong. I don't know. It sucks to be going thru this but I will tell you this: I will not be Tarzan (like my x boyfriend) and swing from one man to the next. I want to heal myself and try to get this depression under control. Then I want to figure out what I do to pick men who seem to be there for me in the beginning but end up hurting me in the end. I tend to blame myself; partly it IS me.

My brother was in town for 4 days. He helped me get ready t o move in the next two weeks. I am stricken with depression, but somehow I have to get enough strength to put aside my hurts, fears and obsessions to take care of this arduous process. It's overwhelming, scary and I'm full of fear. There are memories attached to this house: some of Matt, now many of Bill.

Sad thing: I'd take Bill back in a heartbeat. I miss him.