I haven't written because I have been so busy. And sadly, when life is sort of taking over, blogging is last on my list. It's not that I have lost interest (well, I have) but that time is so short. I was working 1 hour and 15 minutes away. The commute was killing me, but the money was so good I had to do it. I was contracted to do this for a month, and one month turned into two. And you know, when life is going well, really well, well... there's really not much to say. And since I had no time to cook anything new, there are no recipes to share either. But wait. It gets a little juicy at the end of this post.

Here are a few pix from my birthday last Friday. We went up to our cottage. Started the day with breakfast on the deck overlooking the bay. Then a hike in the woods where we made our way to the sandy dune beach. Next we booked a sailboat ride. Didn't realize it was a real live Pirate ship! And then we ended the day with an amazing dinner together. I had the best date and wouldn't change that day one bit. No regrets.

Look thru the pix and then I'll reveal more about what is going on in my life right now.

My wonderful date on my birthday. :) 

The truth of the matter is that yes, life has been good and quite busy. But on the 4th of July, some things became really clear to me. On the 6th, I cried because my heart was breaking. Nothing bad had happened. Nothing horrible. No one was hurt. No one was cruel or mean. No one died. In fact, we had a wonderful 4th of July up in Door County like we always do. It's my favorite way to spend the 4th.

It's hard for me to share publicly. I have shared so much of my marriage breaking up. I needed to do that — sort of a therapy for me.

But this? This is so private and extremely sad and difficult for me to share online. I'd love to. In fact I have in a private blog which I have written anonymously. No one but cyber strangers can find it or access it. It's a log of my daily struggles as of recent.

I can't share with you and I am not sure I will ever be able to. What I am going thru right now is very painful. I've been thru harder and worse times, so I know I will get thru this. I am loving and kind and honest with my son. He knows some of what I'm dealing with. Some is too hard for him to understand. We have a special bond, a beautiful relationship. I love him so much and that is why I have to get thru this time of horrific struggle.

It got so bad for me last weekend that I had a few people quite worried about me. Friends came by to sit with me, have dinner with me, meet me for a beer. I can't drink right now. Booze doesn't do it for me. I haven't eaten since that photo was taken of me and Oliver at the restaurant. That was July 25, about 7 days ago. I have not been hungry for more than two weeks. I've dropped weight like crazy. I was up to a whopping 158 and I'm down to 144. I know, not the best way to lose weight but there's not much I can do about it. The stress level and hormones are telling my body not to feel hunger. I eat little bits each day and drink lots of water. My body still feels like it has lots of strength. I haven't had more than 3 cups of coffee in 2 weeks. Yes, it's that bad.

Depression is something I have struggled with all my life. Even as a young child. I suspect it runs in my family. When I get into a very stressful situation, my depression kicks in. I'm unable to function at the high rate I normally do. My emotions take over my logical head. I act on my emotions. They are hard for me to control. I have been able to still take care of my son and make sure he's happy, fed, and clothed. I play with him, hold him and love him up. I have not neglected him at all.

It's me that I've neglected for quite some time. Oh yes, I have my hair done; I wear make up; I cleanse my face and brush my teeth each day. But I am not able to get these emotions under control and I have made my world a bit smaller than it used to be. I still have friends, I just haven't done much with them the past year or more. I do see them, just not like I used to.

Prayers, good vibes, well wishes...Yes I'll accept them all. I know I'll get thru this. Hopefully sooner and a little faster than last time.

PS. I just read this blog post I wrote in February 2011 and it gave me so much hope! :)

I am Forever Changed


  1. if you can't talk about it, then why bring it up in the first place?

  2. Hang in there. Praying for you.

  3. To "anonymous on aug 2" : you are an asshole. First rate asshole. Go away.

    1. Rachel, you crack me up. :) Thanks for putting a smile on my face. I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you. x o x o


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