Dreading the day

It's time to work and I have no joy in my heart. I am heading to my desk now with a broken heart. I think it's not fair to have to face this alone—he's not hurting because he has a beautiful distraction. My friends have been supportive.

There are times I think about ending my life. I know it would hurt my son forever, and yet I feel I have been fighting to get thru life for years. There has been joy but it's coupled with pain. Lately my son doesn't want to be with me anyway. Can I blame him?

It's a very strange time for me. I've not felt like this ever, not even when my husband left. This is more painful in many ways, maybe b/c my x left a small crack of hope open for me. Here there is nothing but anger towards me, distain, rejection. After all that we have been thru, to be tossed aside, to be despised, held with disregard. To be told if I come by to speak with him he'll call the police...

What happened to the man who was loving and adoring and supportive of me all these years?

Grief doesn't describe my feelings. Nothing can help right now.


  1. Help is on it's (his) way. Should arrive around 4 pm. Stay strong and KEEP SMILING. It inspires others to SMILE along with you.


  2. Andrea,
    Matt is a very different man at this time - that's why you are unable to recognize him in what he does and says. As difficult as it is please do not spend your precious energy on him. Let God work on him.
    Please focus on you and what you can give to yourself and Oliver. That's what is most important!

    1. Diane, this is not about Matt, but about another man that I have been seeing for almost 3 years. Matt has been supportive thru all this and he is willing to do whatever it takes for me to get better b/c he knows it's important for Oliver to have his mother. I'm broken hearted over this man who has been my rock for almost three years. In a flash he was gone and off with a prettier, sweeter, thinner, new love. It kills me and it's so soon after the end of my marriage that I'm just beside myself in angst. Life is really difficult and it seems hopeless. I am on new meds and trying hard to get myself back on my feet. My only other option is to end my life b/c the pain is too great. I cannot do that because of one reason only: my son. It's a sacrifice because I know that if I were to let go of this world I would finally find some peace.

    2. Andrea,
      So sorry I was confused about this.
      Please take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who love you. As dark as it seems at this moment - there is light. Let the light be in Oliver's smile, let it be in knowing that you are loved and that you have so many sending you courage and strength to make it through this period. If you feel you can't take it anymore please get yourself to your nearest hospital for care while they get your meds settled.
      Hugs, Diane

    3. Diane, I did as you have suggested already. I'm hoping the new meds will work. I'm glad you're still here and reading my blog despite the face I haven't written in such a long time. Hugs back to you. x o

  3. Andrea, I don't know you. I happened upon your blog via another blog years ago, while my son was still small, like Oliver was. I have been following you.

    My sister committed suicide a year ago, almost to the day.
    I don't know or understand your anguish, but I know that things happen for a reason.
    You are here for a reason. You want to live. I know you do.
    Get the help you need, oh if only my sister did. Sit through the new meds. You know how to do that. Just one day at a time.

    Please don't give up. Reach out. Here. Or to your family. Or friends. But please do not isolate yourself.

    You are more than a man leaving.

    Much love, and prayers.

    1. I don't know who you are but thank you for that message. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. You story resonated with me. It feels silly to reach out to strangers on my blog. My famly and friends read this too and I have received calls and visits from friends lately. There are tons of people who care about me, not one single person in my life is a "toxic" relationship. How lucky am I??

      The only way I can describe this feeling is like a drug addict who leaves her children at home to get her drugs or who does her drugs despite her children sitting beside her. While I'm not a drug addict (I hate drugs and drinking does not do anything for me), I am in the strangest place where I don't care about anyone or anything bc it hurts way too much. I have enough wits about me to know that this is sick and not like me. Read my blog... as you have... I am joyful and I can have fun with me son despite that painful divorce. For some reason this is different. And it scares me.

      I am trying out these new drugs and I can see they are helping already. The thoughts are subsiding and I even had a small glimpse of hope today... like, "What the heck! This man is not worth it!" and even glimpses of anger.

      I'm trying, I really am. And I'm so so sorry for your sister. I always hurt when I hear of a suicide, just wishing I could talk to them before they decided to do it. Now that person is me. But I'm doing what I can and I have friends who are checking in with me daily. My brother is up now and he and his wife and my sister will be up at the end of the month to help me move. I thought I was alone but I'm starting to feel I am not.

      Please check in again. Your comment has helped. Please.

  4. I am praying for you, too. I am a fellow mom who used several of your recipes. You are not alone.

    1. Thank you. You know, I had no idea people ever really tried my recipes. :) That makes me feel good too. But mostly thank you for commenting and for your support.


Post a Comment

Your comments are helpful! Thanks!