Last night I couldn't sleep because of all the anger and rage I was feeling toward my x-boyfriend. Maybe the meds and the vitamins are helping, because I'm starting to feel angry that I am being treated this way.

I read this old post, Ode to My Love, one of the very few times I published anything about Bill. Maybe my anger is a way of self-protection, I don't know. But last night I fantasized telling him off. How dare he be so angry and rude to me. All I know is that I don't deserve it and neither does my son. He's not been rude to Oliver, but he just disappeared without nary a goodbye.

I'm actually looking forward to moving and starting anew somewhere. I just don't know where or when that needs to happen. Do they give you 30 or 60 days? Do they kick you out immediately? I don't know. At attorney told me I get days. I'm really not sure. It's probably best to prepare for the worst and just be done with it. Problem is, there are slim pickings in Shorewood.

Yesterday I had my hair done. I decided I needed a change and I'm glad I did. I'm darker now, like I used to be and I'm really happy about it. I feel like I look younger. I have thee best colorist ever. A super talented woman and I'm not sure why, but yet again I have someone who thinks well of me and says she looks forward to our visits.

My x-husband used to put me down for having so many friends. He said that I "needed" people to like me. He said my blog was a way of getting attention. What a horrible thing to say. I think at my age I'm finally getting sick of people who have nothing nice to say to me any more. I've grown and learned a lot over the years. I've made mistakes but haven't we all? I am human.

And maybe it's time I throw Bill off his pedestal. I never truly thought we'd be together forever at first, but this year many things between us changed. I began to feel true love for him and he for me. We became very close this year. He became important and my closest and best friend. He felt it too, professing his love for me and for my son, wishing he could be with us more often. I watched him become closer to Oliver, talk to him like a father, teach him things, become patient, loving and caring. Oliver adored him. The three of us had our hearts bonded, a sign that perhaps there would be a future for us. I wanted it badly for us. I had nothing bad to say about him, and I still didn't when we ended it. In fact our ending was amicable, sweet, loving, kind and full of tears, for both of us. I feel bad sharing that intimacy with you here publicly. It's something I was going to cherish forever.

But that all changed when shortly after the break up, he was with someone else. Was it all an act? The tears? The words? He is a different person than he was when I dated him, and recently told me we should have never been together. He took all that I cherished and threw it in the dirt. It was horrible to hear that, a shot thru my heart. All that I knew and loved was taken away with his harsh words. What kind of friend is that? What kind of loving man does that? This I do not understand.

And so now I renounce his authority. I am going to try to stop idealizing my lost love. While it's difficult to make a realistic appraisal of my own worth, since I subjugated my own self-worth to his, I will take this opportunity to name what I know to be true about myself. His barrage of criticism of me made it difficult to dethrone him.

 This much I know about myself:
  • I'm genuine. What you see is what you get
  • I'm imperfect
  • I'm generous
  • I'm caring
  • I'm loving
  • I do the best I can
  • I give in a healthy way
  • I love to take care of those who matter to me
  • I love being a mother (altho right now it's very hard)
  • I'm sensitive
  • I'm creative
  • I love to write
  • I'm honest
  • I'm spiritual
  • And I have a ton of friends, many of which I did not ask for. I am just surrounded with great people...
  • I don't hang with anyonne who is destructive to my well-being 
  • I don't subject my son t anyone who is hurtful or dangerous
  • I struggle with depression, mostly I can work thru that
  • I sometimes have bouts of panic
  • I struggle with self-esteem... I think I am not pretty enough, thin enough, etc
  • I struggle with loving myself in the ways I wish a man would love me
  • I struggle with hormones, greatly

The last few things on that list are what I am working thru right now with my new therapist. She's wonderful; I've never met anyone like her. I'm lucky because I think I finally found someone who is there for me 24/7. 

So to those who think poorly of me, you can all fuck off. I am not even going to apologize for the language. It's time I stop caring what you think of me. Anger towards Bill is one of the stages of grief and loss. Not ready to throw all the beautiful letters and gifs he gave me away yet, not ready to let go yet, but finally feeling a little anger and that's good.

I'm beautiful. I have had a baby so my body is not perfect. I've had a past so my emotional states are not always wonderful. I've been thru a rough divorce and come out amicable with the X. I'm about to lose my house, lost my boyfriend on my 50th birthday (thanks for the great present Bill), lost my incredible love and best friend, but I'm trudging thru my days. Even my son is not the inspiration for my recovery right now. I'm not the best mom to be around but at least I'm still here and not in a morgue.

Off to the races today. At least to pretend I'm just a normal person hanging with her son today. 

I'll post  a photo of my new hair color today. It looks great. Thanks Lynn, and thanks for your email today. It made me cry. I'm still so sad, but it helped to hear what you had to say.

Love to all,

PS. Yes, sadly, I'd take him back in a heartbeat. :(


  1. Anger's good, Andrea. Let it all out. As cliche as it sounds, "you go, girl". Never forget that you are beautiful - God made you. Have fun at the races with Oliver. Still thinking of, and praying for you and Oliver.

    an internet friend


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