A Day at the Races

You'd never know by looking at us that I was struggling this day. I hide it well. I lost my temper big time with my son, and for that I feel horrible. It's been a long time since I lost my temper with him. He tells me he feels stupid when I get mad at him, and so we've been working hard (I've been working hard) to treat him with love and kindness even when I have to discipline him.

I'm moving in slow motion these days. I am definitely 5 miles below the speed limit. So it's ironic that we went to watch cars zip around the track in 18 seconds going 120 mph.

So... this is my friend's Indy race car that she sponsors... Sararh Hartman Racing, #67. Driver Josef Newgarten. After the race, the crew let Oliver sit in his car!!

You can see Oliver dressed himself for today's activities. He has his racing shirt on. I love this kid!

And here you can see my darker hair color. I needed a change. You can see I've lost about 20lbs as well. I seem pretty happy here, and for a while today I did feel at peace. There was some anxiety going on, some obsessive thinking. Things are not normal for me, and I've not felt like this before, EVER. It scares me, so I am doing all I can to get better. I tell my son that all the time too: Mommy is doing everything she can to get better so I can play with you again. I try, it's just not that easy.

After the race we bought a few fresh items at the store and I made my awesome pasta sauce. Oliver loved it and we had a nice evening. He played with his new truck and indy cars we purchased at the race, then we headed to bed. Here he sleeps beside me. I hate that tomorrow he has to go to his dad's. There is some comfort in having him with me, there's some safety in that as well. But I suspect he needs a break from me.

I'm enjoying a new book (for a change) by Mark Salzman, The Soloist. Finally something that can keep my attention. I meditated tonight, spoke with a couple friends and am enjoying this quiet moment here in my room.

Morning's suck. I hear more from the bank tomorrow and then I have a meeting with the agency who I let down last weekend. I hope nothing more bad can happen to me. I'm prepared to move, I just don't know when it will be.

Thank you to my friends, especially Ann, Deb and Pamela. My three closest and oldest friends who will be by my side no matter what and help me to knock that man off his pedestal. Boy are they pissed.

Lucky me.