Work. Clean. Create. Stand Tall.
Happy 2014!Did you have a nice New Year's celebration? Were you awake when the ball dropped? Did you enjoy this January 1st of 2014? And what about resolutions? Have you made any promises to yourself for the new year?
I strolled thru memory lane today, reading various January posts from past years. I am shocked at how hopeful, happy and eager I was at the cusp of a new year. Blinded with optimism and ready to take on what the world offered me, I was giddy with hope. I was swimming in happiness.
That is not the case this year. I'm not unhappy. But I'm not riddled with glee either. No longer enamored with life, I'm dented and bruised from the hits of the year's end. I continue to clean up the mess from 2013 — a year I'm happy to be rid of lest I discover another pile of dirt under the rug. Matt did some serious damage in September, and he doesn't believe he's accountable for any of it. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but my X feels strongly that he's not to blame. That part will never be resolved, and my energies have been put into moving forward and getting thru the mess rather than fighting with him. The cottage, my and Oliver's home, my savings — it's up in the air as to whether I get to keep any of it. The amount of money I had to spend in order to repair the damage Matt did was completely unexpected, because what he did was completely unnecessary. But my sleeves are rolled up and I've set my sights on just a few new goals. (see below)
My love life is not what I want it to be either. I see my X starting a new life with someone else and I wonder why I am not getting that gift? Sure it makes me doubt myself, what is wrong with me? My dear friend Pamela has always been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan. She thinks I'm beautiful and knows there is a good man out there for me. I think my self-esteem has taken a huge hit this year. I don't find myself beautiful. I don't think I look great. I am that hard on myself. I feel fat. Fat is not a feeling! Whatever. Doesn't matter. It's how I feel. FAT.
No! I'm not excited about this coming year. I know more bad things can happen because so many have already happened. I am fearful. I know now that bad things happen to good people. Cancer. Bankruptcy. Death. Divorce. Betrayal. Financial Loss. Rejection. Bills. Unexpected bills. Not all that has happened to me directly, but a lot of it has happened to me or someone close to me.
Still, I'm hopeful. That much is true. I hope to shake this depression that I refuse to let consume me. I have hopes that my business will take off. That I will be insured. That I will keep my house (Please Chase Bank! Let me keep my home!). I'm excited to get my bedroom turned into a place where I can relax each evening. (I did it for Oliver's room... photos to come. My room is next.) I do know this: once I set my mind to something, I don't let anyone or anything stop me.
My 2014 DeterminationsMajor goals:
- work my butt off to make money for my design business (This includes expanding my knowledge base and skill set so I can offer more services to my clients)
- get rid of the junk in this house - clean out the storage and clutter
- get a new bed and make my bedroom nice and serene
- lose 24 pounds
- build up my credit
- only date men who want what I want
- live on less (spend less)
- empty my chest freezer! :)
- strip my wardrobe down to only what I love
- have a new closet built (if I stay in this home)
- get the house insulated (see #4)
- hire people to help me with the lawn care / winter stuff (see #4)
- read more fiction books
- stay fit and active
That's it in a nutshell. I've made longer lists in the past. They were fun but silly. Short and sweet is the key to keeping on track this year. I have just a few major goals: Work. Clean. Create. Stand Tall.
What about you? Do you have a list to share?