Today I’m Grateful

It's still hard some times to drop my son off at school knowing he's going to his fathers for the weekend. My heart aches a bit so a gratitude list often helps. I wonder when these feelings will end?

Today I'm grateful:

• for great job!
• for freelance opportunity
• for the friends in my field; relationships I built over the years and can "network" with
• for a weekend filled with fun things ahead
• for the opportunity to see friends
• to know I can give the sadness in my heart to God
• for a spiritual book study starting today with two women I love
• for the time and money to get an oil change
• for my beautiful son and how close we held each other this morning. i love that connection with him, just my baby and me.
• for the beautiful music playing right now as I write this
• for a clean home
• for a great hair cut :) and the money to pay for it
• for plastic on my windows and fingers crossed for a warm upcoming week; grateful to have it up
• that someone told me he has a crush on me :)
• that my X planned Oliver's birthday party and I didn't have to 
• that i can give my fears to God
• that i have choices... just have to figure out what they are
• that i have a support system in place to help me get thru any of life's hurdles ... matt's girlfriend is moving in and i'm powerless over it; i have to share my son and I'm powerless over that; i have a few financial challenges and i'm doing what i can to take care of myself and my son

An anonymous reader left a comment yesterday on the previous post. I usually find only support from the readers of this blog, and her comment wasn't horrible, but it wasn't empathetic. Readers, leave whatever comments you like. I enjoy getting them, whether they are supportive or not! To that reader and those like her (or him) this is what I have to say:

It may be that I lament a lot about what has happened in my life, but this I know: it's hard to lose a marriage and hard to lose a family and a dream. If you haven't been in my shoes, then how could you understand? Everyone grieves and grows at their own pace. For a divorce, the norm is 1 year of grief for every 5 years of marriage. Grief is not a one-size-fits-all. I would love nothing more than to forget my X and not care about him. There is a little boy involved and when you have a child and have to let that child go, each week, each day that he sleeps somewhere else, each time he's in someone else's care, someone you haven't met yet, that shit's not easy. What IS easy is to judge someone for how you think they should be handling it. Until it's happened to you, you just can't say. I have had Matt in my life for 20 years. I have had rugs pulled out from under me more than once. Each time I get back up and face my life. Isn't that moving on? I think I've made something out of my life; I think I've provided a very stable environment for my son over the years, despite an all-consuming heart-ache and an almost debilitating depression. I do see therapist, am on meds, go to church, bible study and a recovery program with a sponsor. I'm not sure what else I can do. I've dated and was with the same man for almost 2 years. I write here to journal. Writing is my outlet, a creative exercise for me. Matt has often told me I write here for attention. Matt does not love me. He doesn't believe in me. And he judges me. In addition to all I'm doing to take care of myself and be present in my life, I have a man I once loved talk to me, in almost every encounter, as if I was a major fuck-up. Like I'm a loser.  To have him tell me that his new love of his life is beautiful (he never once called me that) and wonderful and that she wants to have more children with him (something he knows I wanted so badly). He's so much as told me that I'm pretty on the outside but not on the inside. Try putting a smile on your face, living your life and moving on with that hanging over your shoulders.

And I did. I put a smile on my face. Every single day.

To crucify would mean to live in resentment, hatred and anger. To hurt him would be to hire the meanest attorney possible. I did none of that. I didn't even have an attorney for the divorce. We worked it out ourselves. Amicably. Isn't that moving on?

No, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Not at all. And I don't blame anyone for being impatient with me. I've been told before, 5 months after Matt left (which is practically nothing) that I needed to move on. I was still breast-feeding. Hormones. Love. Pain. I wish I could have. I was told to get over it, that if I didn't I would lose my child. Horror! I really worried that I was a horrible mother, when in reality I was acting in contrast to every hurt emotion I felt! How much more responsible could I be? I never cried myself to sleep nor did I spend my days on the couch. My son had fun (read back thru this blog! I have the photos to prove it.) and was well-fed, warm and tenderly loved. I was told by a good friend (who thankfully, a couple years later apologized) that if I didn't get over it no one would want to hang out with me anymore. How do I do that? How do I put that comment aside? Imagine the inner conflict, the worry? I thought I would lose my friends. I thought something was wrong with me.  And if YOU are feeling this way, those of you who read this and have grief to deal with, please know YOU ARE OK AND YOU WILL BE OK AGAIN! I've been on 3 different kinds of anti-depressants. I've had two kinds of anti-anxiety meds. I couldn't eat for months. I went down to 113 lbs. I wanted to die. I had a 2 year old to take care of. Matt only had him 2 days a week. I had to get my son ready every day, put a smile on my face, drop him off at daycare. Once he was safely inside I'd get  in my car and cry all the way to my job. Only to dry my tears and put on my big girl pants and deal. All this because Matt could not pull the trigger and ask for a divorce. So... I waited. I waited two full years while he dated other women (he said he wasn't dating but I found out later). Waited for him to tell me where he lived. He refused to let me know. He said he was afraid I would bomb his car. I had no clue where my son was going when he left with his father. I let him do this to me, all because I was hoping for him to change his mind. What a fool I was! I waited... Waited 2 years until he found his current girlfriend. Then and only then, once he met her, did he tell me it was over. He just needed a stepping stone to get over me. Moving on? Really?

Sorry for the long soliloquy here. Just that not many people know how it was (and still is sometimes) to go thru this, especially as a woman, a nursing mother with hormones, and a deep depression... I'm not sure how much more I can do to move on.

So give me a break.