Oh my!

Anyone out there thinking of divorcing their spouse? My two cents? Don't do it!

I can't even begin to tell you how much I've gone thru with this marriage ending. I wish I were the one who was the unhappy spouse. I wish I was the one who was tired of it all, who fell out of love, who found a new younger version and could avoid feeling all these painful feelings. I wish I was the one who made more money and could support myself without worry. The one who holds herself in high esteem and who's life is moving in a happily-ever-after direction.

I'm not.

I wasn't so lucky to be that person. I was the one left behind unaware of what was going on in front of me. Denial? Maybe. Clueless, more like it.

I'm licking my wounds today from a hit I took this morning regarding money. I was slammed with another big expense that I wasn't expecting, so please allow me to vent a little. It helps. ;)

I tried to save that marriage and there was just no saving it. There were two times in my life I felt powerless: One was when my X was still drinking (pretty heavily I might add), and the other was when he left the marriage. I tiptoed lightly for two years waiting for him to come back home. When he made up his mind, I too began the process of moving on and grieving. It's been two years of that, and today I'm in a much better place than 2 years ago (or 4).

Still, the consequences of divorce are still affecting me in a negative way. It's harder with children, that's true. Oh what a breeze this would be without a child to share! I could allow my X to sail away, and I would not have to look over at him at all, not one bit.

With a child? There's still a connection. We get along, we do it for Oliver. But sure as heck I do not like his choices. And if his gf goes along with him, it means hers are poor too. They deserve each other, but Oliver? He deserves more and better.

They are not hauled up in a bedroom smoking pot leaving Oliver alone. Thank God for that. But when Oliver comes home and I ask how his time with Daddy was, he reports the things that he and his dad's girlfriend have done together. I'm sure she's very nice, and I'm glad Oliver likes her. I fault my X for not spending enough time with Oliver. I'm sad. Sad for Oliver. He yearns to be with his daddy. He wants to spend time with Daddy, but there's always someone else around. He came home saying he baked cookies. I was excited for him because I know that is something he and his dad have done.

"That's great that you baked cookies with daddy!" I say.

"Not with Daddy.With (insert girl's name here)."

"Daddy didn't want to bake cookies?"

"He was watching football."

And so the saga goes. I have 4 nights a week with my son. I spend those nights with him, not with another man or friends. When Oliver is here, we are together. This time is short with him. My dating life can wait. My love life can wait. We sometimes would have the gentleman I was dating come by for dinner. Never in a million years would I let him sleep over. And when he did come by for dinner, it was not every weekend.

My X is preparing Oliver for his girlfriend to move in. This much he told me. I have no control over it.

 One of my friends told me I have an antiquated view of how life should be. 50% of marriages end in divorce, he stated. Meeting someone, getting married, buying a house, having two children and saving money to send them to college. It's not how the world works! (Did your parents divorce? I should have asked him. And what exactly is your Masters Degree in again?)

Well, so what. That means 50% of married couples stay together. I choose to believe in love and commitment. No one in my family has divorced. Not any of my aunts and uncles, nor my brother or sister. My best friends from college, Deb, Ann and Pamela are all still married. My parents stayed together. Why shouldn't I believe in marriage and work toward the commitment to stay together?

I understand there are times when a person needs out. Alcoholism, drug abuse, violence. Gambling addiction, other addictions. But when two spiritual people are not happy, and they do not have any of those problems, and if there is a child or children involved, then they have a responsibility to make it work.

I wish my X would disappear only for my sake. For Oliver's (and for my own peace of mind) I wish him health, happiness and a long life. I know my son needs a father, even a part time one which he has now, in his life. It's better than nothing. And Matt's not that bad of a dad. Not great. But not horrible.

Just know that divorce doesn't mean less problems. There are more of them, at least in my case.


  1. Hi Andrea,

    Your post really hit home with me. It's SO important to set a good example (morally) for your kids when they are young in the area of "dating" (euphemistically or otherwise) and to also make sure that your children are THE focal point.

    Writing from a Catholic perspective, I am admittedly biased, but so often we see divorced parents put their romantic interests ahead of their children. This deprives children of much-needed support but also sends the wrong messages to them about priorities. It may sound harsh, but I think it is so wrong when a parent starts bringing around another person, especially for a "sleepover", and especially with young children. It's hard enough for a child to deal with divorce; it only serves to further complicate things, including morality, when a parent's love interest gets thrown into the mix.

    Down the road, your love and devotion to little Oliver will pay off in spades in the formation of his character as a young man and you will be very proud.

    1. David, I really appreciate your comment and I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Thanks for the vote of confidence. My son's father and I have different views, and I will stand by mine and be the kind of example I wish my son to be. Hopefully as he grows up, he'll understand what is important when raising his own family. I think I have an incredible bond with him. I thank God for that.

  2. As a occasional follower isn't it a bit harsh to crucify someone without all the facts. Catholic or not the comment above suggest that one is to put their romantic relationship on hold till the child is old enough to deal with a separation or divorce. As I see it this all has been going on for a number of years, your ex is moving on and from what I hear there is just another person that cares for Oliver.
    Isn't that what we want for our children ?
    Divorced or not he has loving parents, your ex isn't perfect but neither are you. Make the best of it and move on just as he is.

    1. Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your comment. I wrote a bit about this in the next post. I'm glad you voiced your opinion as it gave me something to reflect upon.

      I do have a sneaking suspicion you are a friend of Matt's or his girlfriend's altho I could be wrong.

      The one thing I have to say in the previous commenter's defense is that at least he has the courage to stand by his convictions and publish his full name.


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