The Gift of Christmas

This Christmas did not turn out as planned, but that was OK. We found Plan B and everything turned out OK. Oh there were some big disappointments, that much was certain. Do I blame anyone? Absolutely not.

But I realized a few things this Christmas, and maybe it was the day after Christmas.

The Story

My son and I were excited for our holidays. We had planned in advance and most everything was pretty much done so there would not be last minute stresses. My sister was due in Christmas Day. My brother possibly the day after.

Last minute notices (and I mean very last minute) alerted me to the fact that my sister was not arriving as planned and that my brother would not be heading up. I was so choked up that I couldn't really talk about it with anyone.


Having to tell Oliver was the hardest part. Also, all the other stuff that surrounds my life made it a big disappointment. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, not really anyway. I've just come to realize a few very very important things.

I cannot tell you, nor do I feel comfortable sharing online what I felt and how I reacted. I'm not ashamed, and I suppose if people who knew me did not read this blog I could share. I'm not really anonymous and so it's difficult. But I felt something very intensely and perfectly poignant in my heart. What I can share is that it was deeply felt and it opened my eyes to a parts of my heart that were divided asunder. I was not in touch with this until that very incredulous and painful moment.

It's even difficult to share here, to bare my true and honest, most vulnerable feelings lest I be judged, mocked, or told to buck up and feel (or think or do) differently.

It occurred to me that I am very alone. I have great people in my life, good friends, loving family members. A sweet son. Yes that is true and I'm blessed to be so very loved. Even my son told me yesterday, "Momma, I love you. Lots of people love you."

But I am alone. I am very much alone. When it comes down to it, I have my son (for now) and we have each other and that is all.

I have no boyfriend really. I had been needing to be alone recently and so the last two months I have pulled back from my intimate relationship, however loving it was at times. Yes that wonderful man I wrote about has not been in my life for the last month. I haven't shared that with anyone. Not RP, not family, not Oliver, not friends. Why? I just needed to hear God and listen only to my soul's quiet whispering. Did I want to be alone? Am I not happy with this particular person? Is there someone else I could be with? Or am I not interested in sharing my life with someone right now? That is what I had to find out.

I'm fine alone. I am strong. I do a lot. I'm not the same woman I was when Matt left 3-4 years ago. I'm capable of taking care of myself and Oliver, and I am taking care of us. I am holding the fort, forging the way, earning a living and making our life together good and full. I have spent many nights alone, and that is how I have preferred it to be these past couple months. I knew when I would rather be home alone then be with the man I was dating, that I needed to do just that. Be with Andrea.

I took this time alone to journal about what I wanted and what I needed — there is a difference, you see. I started to see what I needed. I started to understand what I wanted. I saw what my past relationship gave me, and I realized how it both did and didn't meet my needs. I started to grieve the loss of him finally. It was fine to be alone for a while, and then I started to feel the sadness. I wondered if my Christmas would have been different, if I would have hurt less over Christmas had he still been in my life.

Back to Christmas morning. I moved into a place in our home where I could be alone and Oliver could not see or hear me. I bent and contorted my body until I could take up the smallest amount of space possible in this world. I experienced pain that I can only describe as one so intense and ravishing that I had no familiarity with what I was experiencing. I felt the world spin about me as I rolled into a bright and colorful passage way. I was in a strange place, I was experiencing something in my core, and I let the experience engulf me. It was not pleasant. I am alone, I heard myself saying silently. I have no one to depend upon. Everything from the past two months led up to this moment. I was acutely aware of how alone I was. Maybe not alone in the spiritual realm, but on this earth. In my life. In what I have to face in the coming days and weeks, I am 100% alone. I am facing life alone.

I stood up. Shook myself back into the moment. I breathed in the oxygen, wiped my eyes and started into motion. We both got ready for Christmas dinner (our alternate plans) and moved forward. Oliver was going with the flow which was a wonderful part of the moment. No struggles as we headed to the car.

What just had happened made me realize something.

I want a family again. I want to be married again. I want a life partner, and I want to build my own family.

This is not easy to share with you lest you kindly send me your observations about how important it is for me to be alone, to take care of my son, to depend upon God.

Forgive me for assuming that people will say that. It's been said to me many times in many different places, with the last one being said just Saturday. "Andrea, you don't need a man, you need yourself." I'm not about to whip anyone the finger who says that. I know everyone means well.

I made a decision to stop allowing others to tell me what they think I need. I know what I need. I know it because I am close to my God and I do pray. That ball of fear and hurt I squeezed myself into was not just me flying down a long hallway. I knew God was there and that He heard every word I had thought. I hear Him too. Yes, He has said to me, "You have Me."

The gift of Christmas was the honest realization that I want a life partner. A man who will walk with me, be my best friend and travel with me in this life. I want a man who's heart melts when he sees me and aches when I am gone from his sight. I want a man who thinks of me as his sun, moon and stars. I want to share the world with someone I care for and see it reflected in his eyes. I want to be there for him when times are difficult and know he is there for me as well. A man who is patient. Who will love my son as much as he loves me. Who can be a role model for my son.

I wont chase anyone down. I wont be sad if he doesn't show up soon. I had to be honest here, however, to myself mostly, that I do want that. And any man I date, from here on out, wont get very far with me if he doesn't have those same wants and desires as well. I'm not in a lonely hearts club. I think, for the first time, I am admitting: 1. Life is hard  2. Life is good  3. Life would be nicer with a true partner to journey with.


  1. I applaud you for your honesty. I know what it is like to experience yourself/God/truth, and I know that only you know what is your truth. You have grown and grown and I agree, why be alone? Why need only you? You need to be shared too. I know it is going to happen for you.

  2. Of course you deserve a wonderful man in your life. It is nice to have one at home, at least one you don't want to kick in the butt!!! I'm joking! ;) Hope you have a wonderful holiday. Maybe 2014 will bring you a wonderful man. I will pray for it. You deserve a good man who willlove you and Oliver!

  3. Andrea, what you shared is not easy to admit. It's hard to say you want to be with someone without being thought of as weak. You, Andrea, are not weak. Your husband left you and you got through it. You're a single mom and doing the deal, proving you don't need a man to survive. Yes, it's nice to have a guy in your life, a partner. I wish that for you and hope a man comes into your life who deserves you and who you deserve. If he doesn't come, then I wish peace for you and the strength and hope to know you are enough.


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