Do You Still Love My Daddy?

We were in my bed the other night, cuddled close. Oliver started asking all sorts of questions, with this being the final one...

Oliver: Do you still love my daddy?
Me: (pause) I will always love your daddy because he gave me you.

Satisfied, he buried his head into my tummy and gave me a hug.


Sometimes life doesn't give us what we had hoped for, dreamed of. Yesterday, the 23rd, I realized that I needed one last gift. There is something wonderful about shopping during the holidays, especially for those last minute gifts. While I try to get most of my shopping done a long way before Christmas starts, I do enjoy walking the malls during the holidays. I love it only if I do it once or twice. That's about all I can handle. I much prefer to spend those days off in my home, a place filled with warmth and pine-scented rooms. Old movies are a staple during the holidays and the ones that play every Christmas are Meet Me in St. Louis and Christmas in Connecticut. White Christmas too (or Holiday Inn). I just cannot decorate the tree without Meet Me in St. Louis on. It's my own little holiday tradition. (I light the tree during a Packer football game and decorate it while this movie plays.) Who wants to leave a home like that? It's my ideal Christmas and I make sure it happens every year.

Yesterday, alone at the mall, I remembered back to a time in my life when I was alone, really alone, all the time. Before Oliver and before I was married I was very much alone. I did everything alone. I was left alone with my thoughts often, by choice. Oh I had friends, plenty of them. I waited tables forever and I had quite an active social life too. I was always out going. I always had friends, something I have always been very grateful for.

That time in the mall last night reminded me of those days. It's somewhat uncomfortable today, but it's necessary for me, for my soul. I need down time. My life is loud and active as is any mother's. I'm busy, I'm multi-tasking, just like any woman, especially one with kids (young or old), a family, a marriage. So that time last night was great. I took my time. I could afford it. I had no plans. Oliver was with his father. I asked a friend to meet me for dinner but at the last minute he couldn't. It was OK. I went alone. I had dinner by myself. I wasn't embarrassed, nor did I feel sorry for myself. This is how I used to live, I thought to myself. I've lived like this for most of my life! This is me. This is Andrea. I am OK.

And so it was. I spent way more money than I had intended to. And I had a lotta lotta fun. Just me. Alone. I exhausted myself as I fell asleep in front of the TV and woke in that same place this morning. I didn't even have the energy to turn off the lights or change into jammies.

Today is quiet. Oliver will be home later. We finally firmed up our plans. I asked my cousin (hi Susie) if we could come by tonight. My father eagerly agreed to come with. Dotti is coming too. We are having dinner, then going to her home. My sister flies in tomorrow. My brother will hopefully, weather permitting, come the day after Christmas. While it's not exactly perfect because we are missing a few family members, it's perfect in other ways. I told someone the other day, it's not how I dream it to be (see Apple ad on previous post) but it's our new normal.

Well, time to clean up a bit. I'm about to throw a Door County pie into the oven. I have a short task list for the day and then we're off to dinner and visiting family.

It's hard to believe Christmas will be here tomorrow!



  1. Merry Christmas, Andrea! You are definitely not alone, ever. You have a lot of love right here on this blog. Thanks for posting an upate.


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