The Monday Funk hit me hard yesterday. But I rallied, met a friend for coffee and chatted with several friends yesterday. I cried hard. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard this week but it is. I had a conversation with Matt. When Oliver came home yesterday he said, "Daddy's girlfriend had a sleepover!" Of course I talked with Oliver's father. To no avail. He's stoic and unsympathetic. He's got a wall up, 10 feet deep. There is no reasoning with him. He talks down to me, thinks little of me. Hates me in fact. He wont budge, not on anything. He thinks so very poorly of me, tells me all of this is "on you"; he wont take responsibility for anything and refuses to cooperate on any term I present. There is no way to get him to sit down and be rationale. He's in war mode, he's in killer mode, he's in fight mode. He told me he is going to fight everything I do and if I don't like it, I can talk to his attorney.

I felt beat up. I have been beat up in the past. Physically. It's something that has happened to me in the way past. Abuse. Not often, but it has happened a couple of times by two different people. I don't want to go into it here. I've been verbally abused also, seriously so, in a couple of incidents. You wouldn't know this if you met me. I don't even think about it. It's so long ago and I've done work around it and have healed. My point is, I know when I've been around a very damaging person. I know what it feels like to be yelled at and put down. Now, Matt didn't yell yesterday. He's too smart for that.

I don't do well around those kinds of people and conversations. I was smart enough to get off the phone and know that nothing, not tears, not pleading, not an amends, not anything I do will get thru to Matt. I've been in this place before with him. He was THIS angry when he left. It changed, and I will have to wait for him to change back to being somewhat reasonable again. But he's thriving in his rage right now. It's a quiet, smug rage. He says his sponsor backs him, and all his friends and family back him. No one he knows thinks he has done anything wrong.

This divorce has now turned ugly.

I'm just sick.

That is my last conversation with him. He wont communicate with me on anything. Even the cottage. He's not talking to me about any of it. Just does what he pleases.

This is a horrible place for me to be in right now.

Yesterday and today I got work done, but things are difficult. I have a friend from my church coming over today for lunch. I am not sure how I am going to get thru this. I am not a fighter. I don't do well fighting. I feel very overwhelmed, and am worried that I am falling into another bad depression.

I guess, one more time, if you could keep me in your prayers that would be great. This is definitely the second hardest time in my life and I'm having trouble accepting, intuitively knowing what to do, and focusing on what needs to get done. I know I'll get thru this. If I could get thru what I did when Matt left, then I should be able to get thru this. I'm trying to remember what lessons I've learned, and I'm trying to apply them here. My son comes home tomorrow and I want to be present and not so sad when he returns.


  1. Andrea, this is not about YOU. I know it's so very hard to realize and believe that right now. But try to think back when he left. When you look back in hindsight, you can see you did nothing to provoke his anger and bad behavior. He was in a bad place then. Who knows what kind of place he's in now. He appears happy, but he appeared happy when he left, right? Knowing what you know now, how happy do youthink he really was back then? No one, no one fights when they are "happy" and doing well. People fight when they are hurt, when they are in fear, when they have been tapped out. Could be his business. His lack of acceptance in timing. He girlfriend. As happy as you think they are, no one is seriously happy all of the time. No relationship is perfect. Even if you see her on FB and she says how wonderful her boyfriend is, truly happy and secure people don't brag that often, all of the time!

    Deep breath girl. You ARE strong! I know it's hard times. I am praying daily for you. You got thru the last one, you WILL and ARE getting thru this one. You already found a couple options of where to live. Your head is spinning, I get that. You are getting your physical stuff straightened out. This will pass. It will. You'll be on top again. This wont go on forever. Oliver is still happy. His life is not perfect but NO ONE's life is! Not the happiest most secure family can assure their kids will turn out fine. We all struggle. We all slip and fall. The great thing is, you have prevailed, and you will be OK.

    Let me repeat that. YOU WILL BE OK.


    Sorry, not shouting. :) Just trying to emphasize that in January, February, you're going to be settled. You and Oliver will be OK no matter where you are. Your cottage. New home. If it's upscale living, great! If it's downscale, then fine! The great thing about renting is you can MOVE! :)

    Be well my friend. Keep your head looking UP.

    Love you!


    1. PS. I need to add:


      You still have a wonderful life. You do! Look at that list of wonderful creative things you've done in your short life already! Imagine what you can do with where you live. No one can take your talent away. No one can take the love between you and Oliver away. :) Your X can take the house and the cottage and all your money, and he can try to take your self-esteem away if you let him, but he can't take Oliver's love away, and from what it sounds like, he hasn't tried and he wont. Thank God he's not talking down about you to Oliver.

      You're doing great. You're doing better than I would in your shoes! It's not easy and you are fighting. You're a fighter and you don't even know it!


    2. Thank you so so much for these comments. They are helpful and I am sure I will come back to read them on occasion when I go thru the lows again. :) x o

  2. As your post today is titled ... TODAY is just today. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow will be another day and life goes on and on and on and on. Some of them easy, some hard, some we want to forget entirely. They all help us grow. We put one foot in front of the other. God's plan for each of us is only known to Him. Lean on Him. Ask Him for the strength to take those little steps, one foot in front of the other. A week from TODAY you might see a rainbow or beautiful sunset or indescribable fall colors in a tree and know that was a gift to you ... just you, from the one who loves you.

    Lift up your chin. Suck in your gut. Smile. Oliver's not the only one who loves you.

    Love, C

  3. Divorce sucks. Don't sign ANYTHING until you're completely sure and have a clear head. Divorce is forever and once you sign, it's VERY VERY difficult to change A THING! Trust me I know. Also be very careful about how your assets are divided and how they are valued. Hopefully you won't have to pay him all of your money like I've had to do with my ex AND I don't have my kids. That is all. We are praying for you and be careful. Don't give up anything that's rightfully yours including your cottage and time with your son. Assume that everything gets split 50/50 and once you can get over that anger, things will get better.

    1. Thanks. I wish I knew who you were so I could chat with you offline! :)

      I think we finally found a way to separate assets that is amicable and fair. Both of us just want to have closure and move on.

      I can't even imagine a day where he doesn't bug me on one level or another, but I trust those who have walked thru this kind of experience... I'm told eventually things wont bug me as much or at all anymore.


  4. There is hope, Andrea. You may not believe it but one day "this too shall pass" & you'll find yourself being able to interact with Matt in ways you never thought possible. I know - I've lived this & so has my present husband. His was one of the most acrimonious separation/divorces ever. Mine, not so bad. My ex & I were always able to talk as far as our child was concerned. In the beginning though, I never thought my new husband & I would ever be able to do the things we have. Time truly is a wonderful healer. Fast forward 23 years for us & we have attended many social events - graduations, convocations, baseball games, etc. together & actually get along. The kids are the real benefactors but so are we. It hasn't always been easy but it has paid off. Our youngest is getting married this Summer & already we're planning the rehearsal dinner together & so looking forward to sharing this special time as his parents (the 4 of us). It just takes time. I'm praying that one day you & Matt will reach this point. I prayed about this many times. Look up Circle of Prayer - specifically The Prayer of Forgiveness. Many nights I went to bed crying but reciting this prayer & I truly believe the good Lord looked after me (us). As well look up a recent post from Sibi who writes Pearls & Grace blog. She has a post in October titled "They owe you nothing". The day I read that I just sobbed. It truly is what forgiveness is all about. Sorry this is so long but if any of it helps I'm happy. Chin up. You are a strong woman & will get through this. a friend who's been there .....

    1. You are my angel. I love that blog and it's exactly what I need. I have a ton of work to do today, and then of course the big game tonight (I'm in Wisconsin!)... but I can't wait to curl up and read Pearls & Grace. I have a lot of personal journaling to do... My faith has been thin. I prayed for more faith... usually I can summon up faith without effort. Going thru something twice, having my home taken away ... it's that cliche, "Having the rug pulled out from under me" .... that's how I felt. And my faith, which has been my source of strength and comfort, has not been there. I prayed for faith, something I haven't had to do in a long long time. Slowly it arrives, and your comment was filled with a lot of gifts that will help me. Thank you so much and I can't wait to read the prayer and the blog. Many of her posts are relevant to me today.

      Thank you so so much. I'm trying not to cry (It's Monday... they are always hard mornings for me emotionally)... but I'm crying with hope.

      Thank you...



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