Pumpkin Croissants

My home smells lovely this morning with the sweet aroma of baked goods; Judy Garland's voice singing in the background makes this overcast fall day cozy and warm. Trader Joe’s has Oliver's favorite croissants that take advance planning in order to enjoy. This season they have pumpkin croissants equally as fabulous as the chocolate ones, and I decided to have a treat waiting for my son this afternoon when he returns home.

Oliver has been gone 5 days in a row. This is only the third time we have been apart so long. I miss him so. My days are filled with work and activities that are necessary, and I have been able to spend extra time on projects that require my full attention. I cannot get everything done that I need to when Oliver's here, and this time away has allowed me to take advantage. Busy as I am, I notice a void. Insecurities crept in the past week, unusual for me when he's gone. His kisses are a kind of assurance that life is OK,  the memories of which had to suffice. He will have a few surprises waiting for him. His room is ready, a new book lay across his bed, a toy tucked under a pillow, a magazine in the mail box and of course the pumpkin croissant at the table.

I don't know how his father does 5 days without Oliver every 2 weeks. I would not agree to that, but I'm glad I get my son for a stretch. He's not my whole life, but he consumes a majority of it.

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I continue to walk into the wall of grief each morning as I awake, but the pain lessons and the deep breaths clear out the fear and loss. Every now and then I get a wave of sadness. Funny how it's not what one might expect. I will mourn the loss of my pantry. This morning as I emptied the dishwasher and nestled the mixing bowl into its home, a twinge of sorrow cloaked my heart. Ooooo. The everyday familiar will be gone. I swim thru the feelings, take deep breaths and focus on the possibilities. It's just a home after all.

Your emails have helped. Long and delicious, I savor each word, reading and rereading your thoughts. Comforted by your support, I take more deep breaths and am able to let go a little more.

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You were able to see a little of my work in the last post. I am a designer. Perhaps you did not know that. My life resume is quite long: t-shirt artist, jewelry maker, furniture painter, wannabe interior designer, gardener, shop keeper, display artist, photographer, candle maker, screen printer, seamstress, oil painter, sketch artist, muralist, cookie decorator, graphic designer, publication designer and interactive designer. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. The work I do now is interactive. I started my own business this year and it has been keeping me busy off and on. It's fulfilling and pays the bills. Thanks to my business, I could pay the mortgage on this house, order cable again, get my father an iPhone (and pay his bill)... (which he doesn't use by the way.. know anyone who wants to share my plan with me?), and purchase my truck (used). I can afford groceries and the increased fuel costs with the truck. Oh the truck, each day I am grateful for it and I know I made the right decision to purchase it.

OK, back to work. I have several appointments today and early release at school. Can't wait to see my little guy. We have a unique schedule this week, and I get my son for 7 full days! Wow. I must say, that is the ONE thing I really love about my relationship with his father. We have really NEVER argued over Oliver, and we have been 100% flexible with our arrangement. It's not often I ask to have my little guy for so long, but when I do, he complies. I hope that part never changes. It's been like this since he left. “That is not the norm,” attorneys have told me. Call it what you want, I'm proud and happy we can at least do one thing right.