Mondays Can Still be a Bit Difficult

Hey there... I'm stunned that summer is over. I was not prepared for it to end so quickly. I know those warm months usually breeze right by, but this summer was incredibly short. It didn't help that most of July was cold. We didn’t hit the 70’s most of that month. My tomatoes (and all my friends’ too) did not ripen until mid-September. I think we ate our first full plump (luscious) tomato yesterday in fact! It was quite the celebration.

I have to keep this short as I’m still so busy.

Every two weeks I have Oliver for 5 days in a row. While it sometimes takes a day or two to get used to wearing my mommy hat again (it’s always within reach), we get back into the swing of things quickly and life with Oliver feels like the way it was meant to be — just he and I, together having a blast. He’s my little buddy, my little monkey. He follows me everywhere, and I get to teach him all about our world. Then I get to watch him be himself in it. I love that. I love that little guy.

Oliver is 5. He looks to me for instruction, guidance, approval and fun. He wants to be with me. He is gentle, kind, charming. I look at him and melt. I cannot believe he came from my body, that one night with his father was all it took to bring this stunning child to life. When he smiles my heart turns into gobblety-gook. He brings me flowers all the time. I’m charmed when I see the bud vase on my sink. That' my little boy. This weekend we went to a dinner party. I put on a dress, cowboy boots, a scarf and a hat. We were heading into the car and Oliver told me, “You look pretty Momma.” Where does he learn that? How does he know to share that with me? I love that about my son.

My 5 days are up with him. Monday we head to school. He was a bit tired this morning as he woke several times throughout the evening. As I left the classroom I looked over at him seated in a circle with his class. He waved and blew me a kiss. I blew one right back and smiled.

It took everything not to cry as I walked the quiet school corridors.

It's not the worst thing in the world that can happen to a child. He's loved by both parents. It just sucks that I don't get to a part of his daily life. I didn't know this was going to be the outcome when I signed up for this.

I have never not wanted his father back more than I do today. I feel he doesn't deserve me anymore. I know my value and worth. I think of all the men who often ask me out. I have a sweetheart right now who is kind and loving. I don't want to be married, and I am enjoying my alone time with my son. If I had stayed with Oliver's father (or rather, had he stayed with me) things would be different. All this special time I have alone with Oliver is precious. I would not have this kind of relationship with my son. I would still have that with him in another way if he had both parents with him in his life full-time. But I guess there's a trade-off. Having only 8 days with my son out of every 14, it's just not enough. We make up for it on the days we are together. He gets time with me. I may have my sweetie around once or twice a month, but hardly ever. This is my time to be a mother and since I don't have my son some of the time, I don't want to be distracted.

Now you see why some of these Mondays tug on my heart strings. I try not to fight the direction my life has gone, and I try to understand things could be worse. I know he does not like to go between the two homes. He has told me so. I know he feels displaced at his father's because of his father's girlfriend. Oliver has shared his hurts and fears around that. I can't control his dad. I don't care for his father anymore. I don't like his father, not at all. I try not to hate him tho. I want to, but I cannot do that to myself or Oliver. I'm only nice for Oliver's sake and for my own.

It was a beautiful morning today. The sun shone. I am alone. My heart hurts. But time to move on and focus on work that needs to get done.

Thanks for hanging out with me a bit today.


  1. Glad to hang out here and read/listen. Yes, these Mondays sound difficult. But it also sounds like you are doing things exactly the right way for your son and for yourself, too.

  2. Oh so glad to hear from you! :) thanks for chiming in. You comment made me smile. ((hugs))

  3. Hi Andrea,

    I just see that you are a fantastic and loving Mom, dealing with a difficult situation. You have been through a lot and I think you should be proud of yourself. I wished I lived close by, I would take you for a coffee.


  4. I love that you made the comment that its not the worst thing that can happen to a kid because they still get to be loved by both parents. There are certainly some benefits to children to have as many loving, supportive adults as they can in their lives. I hope your time without your son is enjoyable... but passes quickly so you can have your little one back home with you soon.


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