How to Be an Adult

We are put on earth a little space
That we may learn to bear the beams of love.
–William Blake

I'm reading this book by David Richo, How to Be an Adult, which seems so apropos for me! I didn't think I needed it actually, and for the most part, I do well (according to the book). Oh, but I'm in there. Oh am I in there. It's startling to see myself in there, the things I say and do written in black and white.

You see, I did not have insecurities in my marriage. My X always had adored me and made me feel as if he could have no better than me. He always tried to make me feel loved and special. That's why it was so hard when he left; that's why I held on forever. When that happens, insecurity comes rushing thru. Self-doubt. Self-loathing. Oh I went thru all of that, and I still do at times.

Having recently been in a relationship, I see now how those insecurities played a part. Now, I'm not out doing things I don't want to do because I'm insecure. I'm certainly not a door mat. Not at all. Not one bit — the opposite in fact.

But I can see the child in me, the teenager. I was a glutton for love. He would tap me on the head and I would fall dreamily into his arms. It was great. After 2 or more years of Matt rejecting me, to have someone tell me, almost daily, that I was beautiful was like winning the lottery. I felt instantly rich. I heard your responses from recent posts (which I have removed by the way. It wasn't fair to him to write about him; I've tried never to say anything bad about my X, and I think I need to be respectful of the men I see. They do not need their words published without their consent. Plus there are two sides to every story, and I only shared one. If I can give my X that kind of dignity, then so shall I with everyone in my life.). So far, so good. I've stayed away, as has he for the most part, and I have had little contact. I haven't seen his eyes for almost a month. When I have had contact, it was tentative and unrewarding. I think the friendship perhaps has run its course. Time will tell. But that does not mean it was not without its amazing parts. He was attentive, warm, sweet, kind. He read me poems, he wrote me poems. When he could he would take me out. We went to independent movies, something I've always wished I could do with a date. He was so smart, well-educated. He would listen and remember the things I said. He complimented me often and loved me with all those flaws that I see each time I look in the mirror. He brought me flowers often. Chocolates. He made me dinners. Opened doors. Listened. Apologized. As his feelings began to grow for me, I knew that he would go to the ends of the earth for me. We got really really good at resolving issues between us, something my X and I have never done. My X would say sorry, but we'd never discuss the problems, and so they kept popping up. With this new relationship, we never shouted. Later it got harder to figure things out, but we never fought the way many couples fight. We'd have words. I think what was hard for me was how he dealt with his frustrations. I am the opposite. I wanted to sit and talk it out. He would escape. Right or wrong, that is how it's been left. He flew into the night. I was left without knowing what happened. Funny how history sort of repeats itself. Not completely — not at all actually — like my X. Somehow I'm left not really knowing what I did wrong.

Recently he wrote me thee most romantic letter I've ever received. He is willing to take the small scary steps to be free from what wasn't working so we can move on together.

Yet, I've placed that dance partner on the shelf for now. I need this time alone to figure out how to be a better adult in love. :) I think I'm still in the teenage years.

It's been nice to be free of that for now. I've had the opportunity to focus on Oliver. We had a blast this past weekend up in Door County. We finally picked up my paddle board. :) We went out on a small warm inland lake. We stayed close to the shoreline, but we managed to have a blast. As the summer moves on, so will we in our escapades. I'm very excited. Paddle boarding is a blast and not as difficult as I thought it would be. And my son was a hoot helping me paddle. Next on the list would be a kayak, but maybe we will have to save that for next summer. Warm weather here lasts only 3 tiny months. (Tell me again why I live int the Midwest?)

I'm doing OK. I hurt sometimes. I have felt lonely again recently. I have felt envious of my X and his blossoming relationship. I have butterflies in my stomach some days. I have a hard time falling asleep. I struggle with anger too. And doubt. Doubt in my faith. But mostly I'm OK and I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe that's what adulthood is about. Getting up when you don't feel like it. Working when you don't want to. Getting things done. Putting a smile on your face even tho your heart is breaking.

I miss him sometimes. But I just have to get better and being a grown up in love. Me a grown up in love? Not so much.

:)