Hello Again

Life is moving forward quickly, faster than I can keep up with. I've been absent from RP for a while. There have been ups and downs in the last few weeks.

I've felt lately that I'm so happy. Happy alone. Happy to be free. Happy to have my son to myself so often, just the two of us.

I don't need a man in my life, not at all. I've dated. I go thru periods of not wanting to date. It takes up a big chunk of my time. I don't have room in my heart, not right now, to fall in love. I guess there is always room for more, but I'm not interested.

I am seeing someone. At least I thought I was. He's been great. You guys would like him. A lot. He's treated me like a princess, a queen. He's unbelievably thoughtful. He's attentive. He adores me. He wants me in his life. He wrote me this recently:

I can't imagine my life without you in it. But it's because I can see you in my future that I want to be with you.

It was sweet. Really.

He knows just what to say to find his way into my heart. His tenderness comes often just as I need it.

He has flaws tho, and some of them are downright painful. For as much as I feel good, I feel hurt. And some of it is past stuff. Some of it is seriously let down. It's hard to let go completely, to think that one more time I am a failure at relationships. Or that my picker is still broken. Old boyfriends (and x husband) go ahead and laugh. Tell the world, "I told you so. I told you she was work."

So... I can't let myself fall for him, or maybe I just don't want to, can't, won't, or don't feel it. I don't know. There are a few things holding me back. Mostly I'm just happy to be independent and free. I'm happy to figure out how to be adult without a man.

I think I have really high standards. I want so much, and a part of me is afraid, so so freakin' afraid to allow myself to get too close else I get hurt again. I still feel twinges of panic sometimes — I don't wear rejection well, never have. I've done tons of counseling. Nothing has unlocked the secret to why I feel this way sometimes. I know my marriage falling apart wrecked me to the core. My bones were exposed, dried up, brittle. Never again do I want to go thru that. Never again do I want to feel that. I need this time, now, to live my life. To nurture my son. He's a doll. I wish I could tell you more about my son and how incredible he is.

Tonight my heart broke a bit for reasons I don't feel like sharing. Not divorce related. My son picked up on my sadness. He told me, Mommy, I'm sad because you're sad. Later, when he was in bed, in the dark, the house quiet, I heard him say, "Mommy? I love you. I love you so so much." And later, Sweet Dreams.

Lordie, what is wrong with me? I feel inadequate for the mother job. I still fear rejection. I have such happiness, and such debilitating self doubt.

Sometimes it's no fun being me.

And sometimes I know beyond a shadow of a doubt how blessed my life really is.

Keep me in your prayers. I need strength.


Love, Andrea


  1. Girl, I have never in my life known someone so hard on themselves as you. Everything worthwhile requires hard work. No pain no gain.
    You've been through a lot. Maybe it's not the right time for someone else. Maybe you thought it was, but it turns out not so much.

    1. Oh how I sooooo wish you were here right now. I could use a friend like you. Thank u always for your honesty.


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