A Little Bit Discouraged

Hi Friends,

I have been feeling a bit discouraged lately. There are a lot of thoughts and assumptions swimming in my head causing me to have self-doubt, self-pity and a general lack of energy.

I wonder if I should continue writing Raising Peanut the way I have been. I'm not looking to be a big-time blogger. I started writing this blog mainly to record a few thoughts about being a mother for the first time — in my 40's no less. There were a lot of things I did as a new mom that I did not write about that I wish I would have. For instance, I made all of Oliver's baby food. All. Of. It. This was not difficult — it was exciting, adventurous and wonderful, and it would have been awesome to write about the neat concoctions I made and how eager Oliver was to eat all of them. What a great feat to be able to look back on.

I used to experience life, sometimes while taking photos, knowing how cool certain events would be to write about. I used to write daily, even if I did not post daily. I still do actually. I write often. I just hit the "publish" button less often.

Lately, I've lost the desire to post. Why? I can tell you why...

1. I wonder if anyone reads this.

There. I said it.

Yet, my google analytics say differently. I get a lot of hits daily.

2. Maybe the weather has me feeling discouraged. It was sunny and warm for almost a full week. Now: Dank. Cold. Rainy. Dark.

3. Mother's Day is approaching. That doesn't help either. Last year was the worst Mother's Day. I had a horrible brunch with my father and my son. My dad, God bless him, has his moments. He's old. Crabby. Likes things a certain way. I’m not sure why he was such a bear last MD, but he was. When brunch was over, I even contemplated not ever talking to my dad again. Yes, it was that bad. As much as I do love him and respect him...

4. I get sad sometimes. I saw this photo today. I don't have a daddy in the house to share these moments and this joy with.




I'm not going to publish it very large b/c I do not know who this cute little girl is, and I did not take the photo. Ann Bennet did. While it's beautiful, it made me sad. It's hard to explain. I do NOT want to be married. I don’t. I am really enjoying this time alone. But the photo made me sad.

And I don't miss my X. Trust me. I do not.

5. I am sad because my days of being pregnant are over.

6. I still yearn for more children. A daughter. Lately, it has been really obvious to me when I see little girls running around, little girls with their mothers. I feel I am missing something big in my life.

Breathe

Mother's Day is approaching. I have made plans for just me and my son. That's it. I did not invite my father this year. While he and I are getting along fine, I had such a terrible Mother's Day last year that I know this year will be more fun with just me and Oliver. I have a male friend, yes. He wanted to cook dinner for me and Oliver, not go out. While that's nice, I don't want that either. Cooking at my home involves: cleaning and prepping, cleaning after, looking for things that he wont be able to locate in my kitchen, etc etc etc. I just want to be out in a restaurant, one of my most favorite things to do. He doesn't want to fight the crowds. That's fine. So, it will be just me and Oliver.

Maybe it's not the blog. Maybe it's the fact that I have taken a powerful dose of self-pity.

Then there's the legal fandango with my son's father and the curiosity of well-meaning friends. I'm not sure why, but it is really bothersome when people ask me if I am divorced yet, especially with this tone, "Are you divorced yet?!" with the emphasis on yet. They may as well say, “Get divorced already! What the hell is taking so long?!” I don't say what I want to say, such as, “It's really none of your (effing) business,” because I am too nice to say that. Maybe I am divorced. Maybe I am not. Why care? You already know that he left, that I'm a single mother. If I am having a hard time with anything in my life and I choose to talk about it with you, I will. If I have not brought it up, then please, do me a favor, do not ask. Instead, they hear this, “I don't want to talk about it.” Because you know what? I don't.

Sometimes I wonder if people are just nosy-rosies. I have a few friends who like to gossip. To them, I share nothing. They read RP, but I can't stop them from doing that. Then when they see me they comment about the things I've written about, especially in front of others. To those people, I say this: please comment in the comments section of the blog if you have something to say. End of story. Sheesh.

There. Annoyance. Fear. Sadness. Self-pity. Self-doubt. Rainy day. Cold weather. Tired.

I cannot get any more real and honest than that today.

See you soon,

Andrea

Comments

  1. I enjoy reading your blog,Andrea. Divorce is not easy - been there - and sometimes it does take a long time to finalize which (I agree with you)really isn't anybody else's business. I applaud your decision to have Mother's Day just with your son based on last year's experience. I'm sure you and Oliver will have a great time. Be kind to yourself, bless your heart and have a Happy Mothers' Day.

    Louise

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    1. Louise,

      Thank you for your comment and support. :) I don't know why (Maybe Mother's day?) I welled up when I read it.

      Hugs, andrea

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  2. I read you!! I love you!! And I know what you mean about a rainy cold day. Truly, Andrea, don't be so hard on yourself. Even though I am married, and have daughters, I still have hard days. It is part of the human experience, sad as it is. I will pray that you will have a GREAT mother's day this year and that you will feel sunnier soon. (My baby was born on Mother's Day .... 17 years ago!! Can you believe it? How come she is aging and we aren't?) :)

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    1. Of course, I know you read it. I feel like I write to you sometimes! :) I miss you my dear dear dear friend! What a gift you are!

      x o x o x o x
      andrea

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  3. Pick a great/fantastic restaurant. Get all gussied up (both of you). Eat to your heart's content. Forget about the points ... just be smart in your choices. Continue to be thankful for the small things. God is Good and loves you just as I do.

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    1. :)

      I was thinking of dressing up ... myself AND Oliver! I have just the shirt for him to wear and properly so he will run from it! :D That's how I know it's perfect! Thank you for your sweet comment and support. x o x o

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  4. Girl the roller coaster never ends. I mean that's just the shitty reality of it. As for the blog, I think the thing is not to think about it too much. I mean maybe that flies in the face of all the traditional blogging advice but I really don't think much about my posts and although I don't make money off my blog, I get what I want out of it which is connection with like-minded and/or sympathetic souls.

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    1. I love rollercoasters! This one is not that fun tho! LOL....

      I hear you about the blog. It's for me really, so I don't know why I was wondering who reads it. I guess if I were in "those" circles, you know the ones who attend the Blogher conferences and such, then I would be competitive and working on my stats and such. That's just not stress I need in my life, especially when this is more of an outlet than anything else!

      Good to hear from you. BTW, I really DUG your post about separation ... awesome awesome post!

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  5. I always love checking in on your blog. I love to hear your thoughts and, over time, I have felt so invested in your journey toward peace and healing. I check in to see how you are and offer support if I know how, even though we are strangers.

    I think it's natural to have times where we feel upbeat and open to sharing, and other times when we feel down and more private. Protective of our thoughts. Ride this season out, blog when you want and don't when you don't. There are those of us out here in the world who are pulling for you always.

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    1. Hi Kelly!

      Thank you! Did your baby arrive yet? Let me know in the comments section some time when baby is here! :) I hope it's a girl! Hee hee. Actually, I'm so glad I have a boy. He's the best. So cuddly. Sweet. Thoughtful. It's amazing.

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    2. This baby is due in September and it's a girl. :) I really think I would have been happy either way, but I am sure looking forward to it. Thanks for thoughtfully remembering. It's Monday now, so you survived Mother's Day! I hope it turned out to be better than you imagined.

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    3. Yay! A baby girl! :) I think if you do a search, you will find baby cookbooks that I've discussed on this site. In 6-7 months, when she's ready for solids. I wish the best for you! It will be so fun being a mommy! They sleep all the time. I'm not sure why we get so tired at first, but we do. They are so sweet. I hope you get newborn pix taken!

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  6. I read your blog. I am a "follower" so I get a notice when you've posted something new. I think you have interesting things to say. You post exquisite photos. And Moms of all walks of life need support, which I hope to provide a little of in my comments.

    Usually when the weather is icky, my reaction to it is more related to the other things in my life, such as Mother's Day.

    I have come to hate Mother's Day. (I know I'm not allowed to say that - I'm a mother!) It just seems to contrived to me. I abhor what happens at church - Mother's Day is not a church holiday. On Mother's Day I usually just want take out or pizza delivered, so I don't have to cook OR deal with crowds at restaurants!

    Now my son is begging me to help him fax something - that technology is so 20th century that he doesn't know how to do it!

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    1. Thanks for the laugh! :D And the support. YES... you provide a lot of support in your comments. Thank you so very much. :)

      Andrea

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  7. hey andrea, there's nothing more annoying than people who judge or people who gossip. they like to be the first to tell the news. i get you. don't let them get the best of you. they don't have an exciting life so they need to talk about others.

    with regards to your blog, i've been following you for a long time, rooting for you when the chips are down. it seems like you have a few others who feel that way too, whether they are friends or blog readers. i heard it takes 40 viewers for one comment on a blog. people don't leave comments, they like to stalk blogs. i'm guilty of it myself. we all are.

    you're great. i love checking in on you and your life. you inspire me!

    thanks,
    richelle

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    1. thanks richelle...

      i like to tell others to go directly to the person they are asking me about when it comes to gossip. i'm not one to tell someone else's news. and why don't people comment in the comments section instead of commenting in person in front of others? I don't get it. i guess that's the part about being online and letting friends know you're writing publicly. most of my friends do not read this blog. they get the info first hand anyway!

      thanks for commenting richelle...

      andrea

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  8. I read it too! I don't always comment, but always keep you in my thoughts. Life is full of ups and downs. expect it :-)

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    1. yes yes true true! thank you so much for commenting. :)

      andrea

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  9. I read it. And I love it. And I never comment. I will start. :)

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    1. I wonder if this is Sue? :) If not, thank you so much for checking in and commenting today. You all gave me the BEST gift! x o x o

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  10. I'm new to your blog, but I check on you on a regular basis. I enjoy your writing and wish you only the best. The days of our lives, the peaks and valleys. Your peak is coming, just hold on a bit longer. Happy Mothers Day! You are a very special person! xxx

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    1. Thank you! Mother's Day was wonderful. I'm going to post soon. x o x o

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  11. I love reading your blog. Life can be tough for all of us. I was divorced years ago with 2 boys and things were difficult. We all go through hard times. Keep your head up, rely on others when you need to, and know God loves you immeasurably. I have 2 boys now in their 20's and don't feel slighted to not have a girl. My friends with girls all state they are more difficult than boys! I am always glad when you write so I know how you are doing.

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    1. Thank you! I love having a boy, that is for certain. I like when he tumbles in the dirt and comes home dirty and needs a bath. :) I have heard that girls are more trouble later in life! :) I count my blessings... thank you for letting me vent in this post. I normally try to be cheery!

      Thank you too for checking in.

      A big hug to you.

      Andrea

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  12. I just wrote the last comment. Sometimes can't figure out how to leave my name. Just thought of a few more things... My divorce was difficult.. very much so.. not because I didn't want it, but because he tried to take what wasn't his. I bring that up only because he rarely sees the boys. 2 times in last 12 years.. Be grateful that Oliver has parents who show him that he is loved. (I know you do this, but it is SO much better for the child). Hope that makes sense. It's not what we want cause we want "one big happy family", but that is not always possible. You are so very talented just from what I know from RP. Use your talents to make a better life for yourself. Some days are still easier than others. And some days it's just hard that all our dreams are not coming true. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

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    1. Lynn, I'm not sure if you will get this response since I did not get a chance to reply until now.

      So thankful for your words of wisdom AND your prayers. It's tough to give up the dream you've been dreaming since you were a kid. Yet, I'm so thankful that this is our hurdle and not something worse. Losing my husband at first was unbelievable. It took two years to get out of the hole... and even yesterday a few tears came up when I was talking to him and how it's still hard for me to think of him with his new girlfriend. He and I do get a long very well lately. We said yesterday on the phone that it's been a good year (overall). It had. I understand now what it means to put your child first and you know what? We have been doing that for 3 years during the separation. Wow. Very little fighting. Mostly tough on me to watch him walk away. But we've been reasonable when it comes to our son and communicative to the best of our abilities. I'll say a prayer for your family too. You've adjusted it seems, but not easy when the kids sit in their quietest moments I'm sure (at times).

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  13. I just found your blog, and I must say how true and honest you are in your writing. We all have our ups and downs. Wishing you the best.


    Laura

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