Finally

Life’s been good. I can’t even begin to tell you how great it’s been.

Matt and I are getting along really well, and that feels really nice. It’s not like we are getting back together, but we are learning to co-parent really well; we are walking thru this divorce amicably; we are kind, generous and nice to one another. I still have a hard time picturing the man who was once my husband dating (and in love with) another woman, but I’m getting used it. I pray for my X. I pray that he is happy, that he finds everything he wants out of life. I will most likely always love him. A part of me will. Not the in love kind of love, but a love for the true person he is inside. I may have actually begun the process of forgiveness. I’m back to where I was when he first left: realizing that he was a hard-working man, and I never told him that I was so grateful for all he's done for me/us. Tonight, after Oliver was asleep, I sat in my kitchen. I thanked God for this home, this home that I once thought was such a dump. This home that I wished I could move out of, that I needed to upgrade from. Today, seated in my little cafe chair, and I looked at my kitchen with gratitude. I didn't see the flaws, the mistakes, or a lack of anything. I looked at my IKEA cabinets and praised God for helping me find a way to keep our home. I felt no other feeling than gratitude for all that Matt did to make this house a beautiful home. There is a lot of sweat equity belabored here.

He did this all for me. We were in love when he bought this home for us. We were, I know it, even if y’all tell me I should have never married him in the first place. Even if he tells me he never was in love with me. The day he dropped “the bomb” on me — three years ago — he told me he was not in love with me anymore and that he wasn't sure he ever really was. I don't know if he thinks that anymore. He never came back to tell me whether or not that was true. Did he ever love me? I believe he did. This home shows his love for me. He told me once, “Andrea, everything in this kitchen is here for you. I did all this for you. If it were just me living here, I’d have shoved an oven and a fridge in the corner of the room and called it a day.” He said that with a smile on his face. 

My point is that I’m no longer angry. About two months ago I had reality smack me upside. It was only a week before Christmas. I realized the divorce fight was taking it's toll on me. Some time in January, I sat in my car and weeped. I was tired of the fight, the war. The cost of fighting in a divorce is high, both financially and emotionally. If you don't believe me, try retaining an attorney, have her email you a few times, chat with you on the phone, and see what your first invoice is. The fight was only just starting between my X and me. I blew thru so much money, and there was absolutely NOTHING to show for it.

OK, money aside. Truly. Take the financial out of the equation. The emotional cost was devastating. I was a fire-breathing dragon filled with hate, venom, spite, contempt. Try living like that and then baking cookies for your 4-year old's class, reading him a book at the end of the night, gently telling him how much you love him.

It's psycho to live like that. When I focused on Oliver, hatred was seething beneath the surface. I was living a duo existence. I had spent almost two FULL years in pain, grief, turmoil, completely obsessed with how much this whole thing hurt. (God I hope I NEVER have to go thru that again.) I was not about to ignore my son again because his father had "done me wrong". But, it’s too much work to live a double life, to fight and love at the same time. I could not maintain a decent relationship with anyone close to me, at odds with the world.

This turmoil only lasted a few months. The breakdown in my car was the turning point. In the car, I put up the white flag, not to Matt but to the Divine Heavens above. I asked God to help me forgive, to help me move on, to help me completely let go, to help me to figure out how to handle all of this in a way that feels right and comfortable to me. And in the VERY next breath, out of some place locked away inside me, another prayer came out that just about knocked me off my seat. I heard myself ask God to bless Matt, to let him be happy, even with his new woman.

Forgiveness came only seconds after I surrendered and let go of the fight. Only I hadn't quite realized the powerful transformation that was taking place at that very moment.

I decided right then that I would talk to NO ONE, not one soul about this divorce. I would not listen to a single person. Not even one. I needed to turn inward. To find out for myself what was right. I had to hear God, and I couldn't hear him with everyone else talking in my ear about bad guy, good guy Matt. Did he love me once? Was the marriage a sham? Was he out to get me? Was he fucking me over? Should I fight? Should I get more from him? How much should I fight for?

Isn't the fight, in a way, a kind of holding on? Whether I'm holding onto the anger, resentment... to the love, the dream... to what was... Those are ways to hold on and prevent self from moving forward. Really, truly, that's what I realized my anger was doing. It was keeping me in the past. It was not allowing me to love, really deeply truly love, the people smack dab in front of me.

Deep breath. Holy shit. I knew I had to give up the fight.

And so I did.

Once I let go, within a matter of days, my life changed. The dark cloud was gone. The coat of armor fell off and the yoga pants came on. :) I was more relaxed. Happy. Alive. Giddy. I loved my son in each moment and focused on every little event that took place in real time. The wind shifted between me and Matt. The shades rolled up and the light came back in my eyes. It took some time for Matt to trust me. I had nothing but patience. I didn't obsess about what Matt thought or how he felt. I knew it would take time to get him to put his guns down too. Eventually he did. We took a few steps together toward the divorce, and the sky stayed blue. A few more steps. A few more. A few more. We moved less and less cautionary every few days. It was noticeable. And in some ways, operatively quick.

The next thing I knew, all sorts of wonderful things happened for me. I was able to keep our home. The bank was doing all sorts of inexplicable moves in my favor. I felt like God had (has) parted the Red Sea and I was walking thru protected. Time stood still. Everything fell into place. Today I am a living example of following what is right, in my own eyes, with God walking beside me. Everything I am doing is right for me, right for Oliver. The result of that plea for help was answered immediately. God heard me. I think His only response was, "Finally."

I'm anticipating a day when this is behind me. When the legal process is finished. I am looking forward to being divorced, to having that legal and psychic chain to Matt removed. I can almost taste freedom. I am excited for the near future, the point when I am free, finally free. Alone. Adult. Responsible. Working. Loving. Parenting. Co-parenting. Living. Having fun. 

When that day arrives, I'll surely let you know.