Everything I Need ...

is right in front of me.

I admit that I have doubts that I wont get what I want in life. Maybe it's because I clung to something that was never really what I believed it to be. Maybe it's because I've had too many disappointments lately. Maybe it's because the money is going fast. The job is gone. The marriage was an illusion. The house will be gone too. I'm getting old, I'm over-weight, I'm never going to be that beauty I wish I was. What's left?

I have a swirl of emotions tangling the thoughts in my head. I'm glad October has passed. That was a very difficult month for me: I found out my X is inloved with someone 20 years younger than me, which had a domino effect on my insecurities. I now admit insecurity is a driving force in my life. I also was served divorce papers. Finally. Like a friend once told me, it has the same effect of ripping a bandaide off my skin. It hurt like hell, the shock of which left me hungerless and in a constant state of anxiety for weeks. If I took something to calm me, to make it impossible for the butterflies to live in my stomach, the little buggers shifted to another part of my body — my ribs and chest. Did you know butterflies can inhabit any part of a body?

In that month I doubted God's presence in my life. I doubted that my future would be anything but grim, that I would NEVER have the life I wanted, hoped for, dreamed of. I doubted my own beauty — still do — which is a grave sin against myself. I am my own worst critique, so incredibly hard on myself. There's no way to win. That's no way to live. It's sad really.

That has to change. Life without hope is no way to live. Seeing myself as fat, ugly, old is no way to honor the life and beauty God gave me.

In that month my X also revealed that the woman he is in love with wants children. Slash. Another knife in my heart for I so wanted another child. Another reason to fear my future, another reminder that what I wanted from Matt is spinning madly out of control. Not in my control.

Jealousy, envy, anger, grief ... all my old friends stopped by for a visit and over-stayed their welcome.

My heart was broken because my spirit was not free.

Little by little the intensity of all that fear and negativity lessened. I'm now on a life boat and I am floating calmly, looking up at the clouds. I'm no longer lost at sea, but I'm still not on solid ground.

Freedom from the chains came almost overnight. The beginning of which happened when I'd searched deep in my heart and finally realized I do NOT want him back. Not anymore. I was a fool to hang on as long as I had, fool to keep that little tiny glimmer of hope burning. It was small, but it was there.

I see him more clearly now. I don't like what I see.

Free from cloudy judgement, the goggles were removed. I could breathe. I took a look around.

Everything I need is right here in front of me.

What I have is wonderful.

What I have is love.

What i have is friendship.

What I have are people praying — understanding deeply and praying sincerely — for me.



New friends.

And prayer works, because by some miracle the butterflies took off. I no longer am cloaked in panic and stress. Fears have disseminated; fragments of which have been given ownership to others. I am not facing this alone.

In the wake of a presidential campaign which has just ended, I too am looking forward to moving on, starting over. Looking forward to being a leader in my own life, powered by the Divine. I'll soon be cut loose from the chains that have held me captive these last 3 years. A fresh start awaits me.

Everything I want is here. Family. Friends. A beautiful child. A sweet friend who has been loyal to me and my biggest fan. His name is Bill.

This isn't easy, but it's possible, with God's help and yours, to walk thru it with grace and dignity.

There's a strength inside me that will eventually forgive, will be able to put aside hurts and parent my son with his father, little as I think of Oliver's daddy at times. I give him so much credit: he adores his child. He loves his child. He's agreeable. He's always willing to comprimise. He's willing to do what's best for Oliver. He's sober. He's nice to me. Many women can't say that about their ex's.

Everything else I do not like. Everything he did 'to' me I don't like; I loathe that he couldn't be what I wanted, expected, him to be. His actions are deplorable in many ways.

*  *  *  *  *

I may not have mentioned this, but I have made a resolution to not write for RP while my son is awake and in my care (which are the majority of my days!). That explains why you haven't heard much from me lately. I don't want my son to grow up remembering his mother behind a computer. He already gets upset when I photograph him. He'd rather I participate than document.

*  *  *  *  *

Thank you God for my life, my son, my friends and the professionals you put in my life who are my advocates.


  1. The steps are necessary but painful. Trust in God and let others care for you when you can. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of Oliver, to get thru the legal stuff. Take it one day at a time. Eventually this will be done. I promise, I PROMISE you will get everything you want. TRUST GOD. You will come out on top, victorious. YOU WILL! YOU WILL! YOU WILL!

    X O X O,

    a friend

    1. Thank you. I wish I knew who you were! :) But thank you for the kind words and encouragement. :)


  2. Andrea,

    Step by step - lots to deal with. You are slowly breaking free & I'm very happy for you.
    Continue to grieve when sad, vent went angry and love always!


    1. Diane, thanks for checking in. I wish I knew more about how YOU were doing.... :) Any changes for the better?


    2. Andrea so thoughtful of you to ask about me.
      Things are still the same; my husband is still sorting out his path. This month marks 3 yrs since all this started.
      I am using this time to take care of myself and grow in ways that are pleasing to me & God. Of course some days are easier than others as you know all too well :-)

      Hugs, Diane

  3. You give me hope too, just so you know. I am going through this same thing and reading your blog is like having a friend for the ride. I see strength and beauty in you, even if you don't. You're an inspiration. Please don't forget that.


    1. Thank you Carra. I don't feel like an inspiration. Thanks for the kind words. I muddle.


  4. I echo the sentiments in the other comments. Just wanted you to know that I am continuing to pray for you.


    1. Carolyn, Thank you. Thanks for praying for me as well. It feels good when I hear from you. :)


  5. All will be well.


    This will pass and a new day will dawn. You are still beautiful, desirable, witty, fun, wise and amazing.

    Just let go and let God.

    love you!

  6. Try to believe because others believe. I KNOW God has a great plan for you... just be patient. It is in HIS time, not yours...



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