Calling It Pain is Putting It Mildly

I know you've been waiting to hear an update. Many of my friends and family already know, not all, but many do.

Hatred. Fear. Disgust. Shock. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Dismay. Outrage. Anger — for myself mostly. Anger for Matt. Anger for the court commissioner. Anger for the system. Anger for life. Regret. Anger for his stupid, callous attorney whom I should have interrupted when he started speaking for me. Fucker. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Sad. Forlorn. Depressed. Hopeless. Discouraged. Broken. Pissed. Embarrassed.

To say things didn't go the way I'd hoped is putting it mildly.

To say I'm in pain is also putting it mildly.

I've been full of anger for the last few days, since Thursday, speechless, altho each day is getting better.

Here's the deal:

I'm tired of being put down. Tired of being labeled "the sick one". Tired of no respect. Tired of his utter and complete lies. Tired of all of this crap. Tired of working so hard for what I want, what I think I deserve. Tired of watching my savings be depleted. Tired of the antics. Tired of not getting what I want. Tired of feeling unhappy. Tired of thinking Matt is happier and better off than I am. Tired of hating myself. Tired of feeling like a loser. Tired of acting immature. Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to get some justice. Tired of wondering why on this earth can't his family and friends see thru his good guy image and realize how awful he's been to me and, indirectly, Oliver.

I'm completely hopeless, and I am trying very hard to trust God and it's difficult. I saw what happened on Thursday, I was there, and I saw how easy it is to get away with what he's done. There is no accountability. There is no justice.

I wont go into details. It's just pathetic.

I will say one thing that is completely outrageous:

I guess it's OK to show a 4-yr old a REAL LIVE GUN as long as you tell the child it's not a toy. That is considered RESPONSIBLE.

THIS IS WHAT MATT'S 28-YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND HAS DONE.

Hatred is what I feel and I guess now you can follow RP to find out not what is going to happen to me and my life, but how frickin long it will take me to find a place of forgiveness. I'm on my very own EAT, LOVE, PRAY.

Altho I'm not fucking hungry.

I have no love. I do not feel loved. Not one bit.

And praying doesn't seem to work — but I know I am remiss in saying that. I'm not angry with God at all. I know He has a plan. He must. Because this is one of the lowest times in my life, lower than when Matt left. When he left, I was devastated and sad, but not hopeless, as I am now. I know I had an army of prayer warriors on my case, and I am doubting the value of prayer.

Any help you want to share in the way of keeping faith in God and that prayer does in fact work will be greatly appreciated.

On to happier things...

Today I am grateful for:

1. Knowing that I wont accept unacceptable behavior even if I love the people who treat me with no or little respect
2. I have dear female friends who love me and adore me
3. I have dear female friends who think I'm strong
4. I have a beautiful hair cut because I was able to see my old hair stylist this weekend who now has a schedule that works with mine
5. The client LOVED LOVED LOVED my designs on Friday morning
6. My biz "partner" LOVED them too and sent me an email with lots of positive feedback
7. I've lost a few pounds on this hCG diet, and I am so happy about that
8. I'm learning all sorts of easy yummy things to eat that don't need fat, butter, oil, cream, or cheese to make them better
9. A girlfriend of mine gave me flowers and a card 
10. I got a job lead last week
11. I have an appt tomorrow to put $ down on a beautiful apartment, that if I get a job that pays well, I will be able to afford
12. My sister and sister in law and the support they gave me
13. State of Wisconsin services and benefits for single mom's who are unemployed
14. That I've been asked to design a logo for my church cafe
15. Money in a 401k
16. My son is healthy
17. I am healthy
18. My dad is healthy
19. Dotti is in our lives
20. The courage to let go of many physical things in my home so that I can travel light
21. My son's sense of humor
22. Thanksgiving is low-key this week, and I don't feel sorry for myself because of that
23. Finding all sorts of great independent movies on Netflix 
24. Knowing that I am OK alone, I don't need a man or a relationship to survive or be OK
25. The Gruffalo and The Gruffalo's Child — two movies I watched recently with my son in my arms
26. Not getting annoyed or angry when I had to change bedsheets, blankets and undies all night long when my son had a stomach bug
27. My church family; altho it will be hard to look them in the eye tomorrow at our small group
28. That my house is tidy in a few rooms at least

I can't think of anything else right now.

I'm sorry y'all. I wish I could not feel sorry for myself, altho I doubt self-pity will last long in my world. I wish I could be more positive but I'm not. I wish that RP wasn't so hard to read sometimes.