Set Me Free...
...fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue
Set me free, oh, I pray, closer to heaven above
Dixie Chicks, Cowboy Take Me Away
Each day is one step closer to being free from this part of my life, and yet I face many challenges ahead. The reality of what I need to walk thru in the next 6 months or more is overwhelming, so I take it one day at a time. I try not to go too far into a future of unknowns, rather taking this journey as it comes, facing each hurdle with about as much grace and dignity as I can muster.
None of it is easy.
I say this not to have anyone feel sorry for me. I write for me mostly, not you. I journal online, and for reasons still unclear to me I make the story of my life public.
I say this because sometimes, dear readers, you do help me, but you are not the propeller to publishing openly much of my life. Some of your comments give me hope; you support me; and I feel not so alone, not so crazy. I love that about RP; it's the cherry on my ice cream sundae (um... I hate cherries so that is not completely true.) Writing often not only hones my skills but is an outlet which helps to heal the pains, takes note of the joys, and establishes a recording of my life — as I see it — in periods of time. I've recorded a transition so that when I go back and say, "How the hell did I get here?" perhaps I can answer that. So that in times of self-doubt I can see I was a good mother. So that maybe Oliver can remember how much fun we had. I'm looking forward to the day when I can look at the last 3 years and say, “Phew. Glad that’s over.”
Let’s see, in the next 1 to 6 months I will need to:
I brush that fear away. I take each day as it comes. Recently, I walk thru my day with an imagined tho real clamp around my heart that will not let go! Each day I pray for to God for relief from that clamp. Each day the butterflies return. Each day I drink decafe because most of what I face feels too overwhelming and all consuming for me to accomplish. I'm not sure how I'm going to get all that done. THAT my friends ... walking thru THAT will finally convince me that I am strong. THAT is not easy. I have faced a lot and most of it I cried thru. You all have told me I'm strong. I never saw myself as strong. My mind is a terrible thing sometimes. It convinced me to hang on and wait for Matt instead of moving on, it whispered that I cried too much, that I was weak, that life was too painful, that I wasn't handling any of this very well. Yet each day from the moment Matt left until now I woke up and did what I had to do. I did it. But that NEVER felt like strength. It was the only way I could survive this change in my life — a better alternative than staying in bed all day. It felt instead like being on auto-pilot. It was nothing.
The above list is something — to me. If I can do each of those things above, and do them all in the next 1 to 6 months — which is not a timeline I have developed but one that has been hoisted onto my back — that I will consider strength. To walk thru that requires strength.
Go ahead, tell me I was strong, have been strong. I never felt that way. But what I am facing is how the heck to keep my head, my son's head, my parental custody and placement, above water. I don't want to live on the street. I don't want to be completely broke. I don't want to lose custody and placement of my son. THOSE ARE MY FEARS, realistic or not.
Set me free, oh, I pray, closer to heaven above
Dixie Chicks, Cowboy Take Me Away
Each day is one step closer to being free from this part of my life, and yet I face many challenges ahead. The reality of what I need to walk thru in the next 6 months or more is overwhelming, so I take it one day at a time. I try not to go too far into a future of unknowns, rather taking this journey as it comes, facing each hurdle with about as much grace and dignity as I can muster.
None of it is easy.
I say this not to have anyone feel sorry for me. I write for me mostly, not you. I journal online, and for reasons still unclear to me I make the story of my life public.
I say this because sometimes, dear readers, you do help me, but you are not the propeller to publishing openly much of my life. Some of your comments give me hope; you support me; and I feel not so alone, not so crazy. I love that about RP; it's the cherry on my ice cream sundae (um... I hate cherries so that is not completely true.) Writing often not only hones my skills but is an outlet which helps to heal the pains, takes note of the joys, and establishes a recording of my life — as I see it — in periods of time. I've recorded a transition so that when I go back and say, "How the hell did I get here?" perhaps I can answer that. So that in times of self-doubt I can see I was a good mother. So that maybe Oliver can remember how much fun we had. I'm looking forward to the day when I can look at the last 3 years and say, “Phew. Glad that’s over.”
Let’s see, in the next 1 to 6 months I will need to:
- find a job... or else I will not be able to afford to live on my own
- find a way to start my own business that brings in a little extra money and does not decrease my benefits too much
- find a new place to live that meets my needs: location and quality of life are my priorities (and I'm worried I will have to sacrifice one or the other, or both)
- find someone willing to rent to someone with a newly acquired crappy financial record
- find someone willing to rent to someone who does not have a job (ha ha ha ha! WHO will do that??)
- pack up 14 years of married life left in this house (there's a LOT of shit in this house to downsize from)
- dip big time into my savings, which will completely deplete my well
- get some financial legalities over
- finalize a divorce
I brush that fear away. I take each day as it comes. Recently, I walk thru my day with an imagined tho real clamp around my heart that will not let go! Each day I pray for to God for relief from that clamp. Each day the butterflies return. Each day I drink decafe because most of what I face feels too overwhelming and all consuming for me to accomplish. I'm not sure how I'm going to get all that done. THAT my friends ... walking thru THAT will finally convince me that I am strong. THAT is not easy. I have faced a lot and most of it I cried thru. You all have told me I'm strong. I never saw myself as strong. My mind is a terrible thing sometimes. It convinced me to hang on and wait for Matt instead of moving on, it whispered that I cried too much, that I was weak, that life was too painful, that I wasn't handling any of this very well. Yet each day from the moment Matt left until now I woke up and did what I had to do. I did it. But that NEVER felt like strength. It was the only way I could survive this change in my life — a better alternative than staying in bed all day. It felt instead like being on auto-pilot. It was nothing.
The above list is something — to me. If I can do each of those things above, and do them all in the next 1 to 6 months — which is not a timeline I have developed but one that has been hoisted onto my back — that I will consider strength. To walk thru that requires strength.
Go ahead, tell me I was strong, have been strong. I never felt that way. But what I am facing is how the heck to keep my head, my son's head, my parental custody and placement, above water. I don't want to live on the street. I don't want to be completely broke. I don't want to lose custody and placement of my son. THOSE ARE MY FEARS, realistic or not.
Hi Andrea, just reading your list makes my head swirl. It is a lot but you can do it. It doesn't have to be perfect and there will be setbacks but the only way out of this debacle is to work through it.
ReplyDeleteI know the thought is not very uplifting but if all fails, could you and Oliver move in the house of your Dad for a while until you find something better? At least it would help you financially and you wouldn't have to worry about finding a home without proof of employment.
Perhaps you could try to sell all the stuff in your house that you don't need any longer, have a garage sale before the winter comes. It gives you some cash and reliefs you of the burden of moving all that stuff.
I know you will make it, keep your chin up.
Best Jana
Thanks Jana. If I move in with my dad, we are moving out of Oliver's school district. Altho that is a last resort I think. I did plan on having a garage sale, so that will help. And I will possibly get moving expenses paid thru a program that Matt knows of. I spoke with Matt yesterday and he offered to help me clear out the house. I feel better about that. As well, I have a friend with a truck who said he would help haul everything out and take stuff to good will. There is so much in storage. I haven't opened those boxes in years. I'm sure I don't need whatever is in those boxes.
DeleteThanks for checking in.
andrea
Fear happens when we envision a future without God.
ReplyDeleteDon't do it. Envision God, holding you.
You are likely to get a job soon. Then so many of your fears are unfounded. You will be fine. And you are not alone.
You have friends, family, support. God is with you!
Children do not get taken from their mothers, for no reason. Oliver will not be taken from you.
Don't fear. Don't believe the lies.