Holding on to What Was

Day 15.

I have had 15 days of ups and downs. I have sucked it up and put on my big girl pants; I tried not to write about it here on RP (and in fact I did not for the first 10 days); I tried to tell myself it was because of this or that — that’s what I’m mad about.

When in reality, I think anyway, I must still be holding on to what was. I must. I guess? Oh shit. I still don’t know.

I was doing great for almost a full year, this I know. And currently, this is only a set back for me, according you to, to my friends, it’s normal. I believe I must still have some feelings for the guy or I would not be this hurt. I guess. Oh shit (again). I still don’t know.

But today I looked into his eyes and I realized...

Crap. I can’t be that honest here. So forget it. I just gave you a small clue and those of you who can’t stand the guy will probably want to vomit by now anyway. :)

You can add PMS to the mix too. Unfortunately, I am one of those gals who can get extremely emotional once a month. It comes and goes, the effect it has on me. And when it comes, holy moly, world watch out. Someone always gets it. I’m not sure who, but someone. This has been apparent ever since I had Oliver. It got so bad that I considered taking medication for it. I would get so teary-eyed and sad. I would cry at the smallest of things. I would explode at the tiniest infraction.

And then it stopped. Just stopped. The emotional roller coaster stopped. So I never took anything for it.

Now it just comes and goes, and I am so darn goofy that I cannot put two plus two together until it’s too late.

Look, I’m not saying I’m emotional these past two weeks because I am a woman at the mercy of her hormones.

But I sure am hinting at it.

That and the fact that maybe I just haven’t 100% let go yet.

I don’t know.

Crap. That sucks to think that.

I’ll keep you posted, and thank you so much for all your comments (and personal emails too... and texts... and facebook messages... y’all really know how to find me!).


  1. Andrea,

    I'm not sure you have let go 100% and the truth is that is okay regardless of how anyone else feels. As you may recall I am on the same path and timeline as you.
    Mid life crisis robs in isolation you unexpectedly and so painfully of everything that was, is, and will be. It takes time and at your own rate to let go...
    Hugs, D

    1. Diane, so glad to hear from you. I often wondered if you were still reading RP, and if anything had changed for you.

      I'm just so glad you commented. I gain strength from knowing I'm not alone and not crazy...


  2. Andrea,
    I have no words of wisdom for you right now. I have been following your blog for about 18 months now. My situation is on the same timeline and I have gained a lot of strength from your blog! Just wanted to say hang in there and I will be praying for you!

    1. Thank you Michelle. I'm glad to know you're here, altho I'm sorry you are also going thru something similar. It sure does suck especially ... as I noticed this week ... some people just don't get it and just want you to let go. I have to let go, it's just not as easy for some as it is for others I guess.


  3. You're right. No one else walks in your shoes and you have to deal with it. People try to help and sometimes the words or encouragement just doesn't come out right. Just know me (and it seems like a lot) of people are on your side. You express it in this blog and we all follow. And I think it's awesome! Many of us could not do that (like me), so you get feedback that may not always be what you want to hear. Nevertheless, it's one of your outlets, and our outlet, and I am so happy to have that side of you that I may have never had otherwise. I love you cuz, Sue

    1. CUZ, I LOVE YOU! :) :) :)

      Thanks for being there... andrea

  4. "It is a terrible thing to wait for something you desperately need that will never come.
    I wish someone had taken me out to the Greek diner on Bleeker Street and ordered for me: Boston cram pie and coffee-- just coffee, not cappuccino, not latte. And I wish this person had then simply told me the truth.
    Which is terrible but immeasurably less terrible than living suspended inside a misconception for years and years.
    I can't give you Boston cream pie or coffee and I'm sorry.
    But at least I can tell you the truth about healing. Not the nice, inspiring truth. The real one that almost makes your bones groan to hear, even as you are in some strange way relieved.
    Heal is a television word.
    It's satisfying to see somebody who has gone through adversity and come out the other side, healed...
    But here's the thing: there are some things in life from which you do not heal.
    The tunnel never ends. There is no other side of it...
    Do not wait for the healing to arrive. It will never come. The holes will never leave or be filled with anything at all.
    But holes are interesting things."
    -Augusten Burroughs

    1. Mutant... I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply to this. I love this reading. I have been trying to start (and finally have started) Running w Scissors for a while now, even as you posted this comment.

      AWESOME passage you shared. Provides a bit of insight. Thank you,


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