Maybe I Miss Him, Maybe I’m Scared to Lose My Son

Most of you who read this know that I have moved on. Generally I’m happy. I have let go of the marriage. I am focused on me. Oliver and I have great times together. You know that, don't you? You see all the blog posts... I have been happy.

Finding out that my X is seeing someone 20 years younger than me has rocked me. I’ve joined a club, and I want out of this club. The mid-life crisis that some men go thru is real. It’s painful for those who are left behind. People have told me the last couple days so many things, one of which is to focus on my own life. Well I have been. Don’t you guys, the regular readers, think I have been?

I reacted to this news. My X, per usual, has no compassion for me, no understanding and compassion for how difficult what he has done is for me to move thru. NONE. And why, in my little head, do I need for him to take accountability for it? Why do I need him to own up to it? That would ease so much.

I can't make him do that.

And so I lashed out and of course that just makes me look bad and unstable. Now there's no listening to me at all and so we are in for a fight now. A big war. A big fight. And the state of Wisconsin, unfortunately, will give Oliver to each parent 50% of the time.

I'm sorry but I cannot accept having only 50% of my son, especially when I did NOT initiate this separation, when I did NOT want it, nor do I still want it, nor do I think it's best for Oliver.

The anger I have has not been expressed, hardly at all, in the past 2 1/2 years. It's coming out and now we are at WAR.

It's true, I miss what I had with Matt. That's no longer possible. No longer there. It's long gone. And it's never coming back. Oh it's there... it's just that another woman is experiencing it. Hate me if you must as you read this. It's where I'm at today.

To be honest, I don't know how I can function with having my son only 1/2 of the time. I had Oliver 4 days a week, a little more than 1/2. For now, I have him on school nights. I've given Matt the opportunity to spend any afternoon with Oliver that he wants. He has not taken those opportunities. I have given Matt the opportunity to take Oliver for two weekend days (one night) and he has only taken one day. He wants to watch a football game today with a friend so he is giving Oliver back to me.

You tell me what you see. You tell me what you think.

I have to beef up again and get back on track. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since fall of 2011 when he told me it was over. Yesterday I was beside myself in pain and anger. My dear friend held me last night. “You’re just hurting.” And I gently let out tears because this is just too much for me. It really is.

I wish I were stronger for you. I wish I could write here and tell you how great I handled everything, how over all this I am. I wish I was...


  1. Girl, breathe. Remember what you typed yesterday, this is NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you hurting. However, my advice to you is to immediately stop with the "this is war" mentality. Take it from me Andrea, it will not help one bit. Give yourself some time with this new development before you try and change custody arrangements. A judge will have a hard time believing this is not in good faith. Take lots of breaths and don't start a war. Put it on hold until you are in a calmer place.

    1. Thank you. I'm so close to this and cannot seem to take a step back. I changed the custody arrangments w/o talking to Matt. Because of that he is filing for divorce next week so he can have Oliver 50% of the time. I really want my son in my home (our home) on school nights. That's all I'm asking. I told Matt he could see Oliver anytime and as much as he wants. He can have Oliver on the weekends. He took only one day this week. I asked him if he wanted to spend Monday afternoon w/Oliver. He's not sure. What the heck.

      So to be clear, I changed the arrangements. And now Matt is getting lawyers involved to change them 50-50. For now, he is agreeing to my new arrangements. I'll probably hear from his lawyer next week.

      This all is so painful. I'll stop the war talk...... good suggestion.

  2. keep a journal (if you haven't already) and write down when he is allowed to see Oliver, when he actually DOES see him, when he brings him back early, etc. I had concerns about my ex seeing the kids and even when he could see them, he rarely did..then it stopped altogether

  3. Oh Andrea, I am so sorry about these new developments. I think anyone would feel how you do. I have a little input that you can take or leave.

    If you had said a 20-something girlfriend was next, I would have agreed. This is the normal progression here. Textbook for the path he has been on. And I want to be sure, absolutely sure, that your reaction regarding custody is a response to you not wanting Oliver in this woman’s care because you think it’s not responsible. And in NO way a response to feeling replaced or upset over this woman’s presence. This is the tricky line involved in divorce when you use the kids as leverage without even realizing it- you would never do that on purpose. If you are acting on behalf of Oliver’s safety, then by all means. But if this is a reaction to hurt or get a response out of Matt, pause. Really, really consider your motives. I so do not want this to get ugly for you and despite what I think about him as a person, your stories of Matt have never lead me to believe he would put Oliver in an unsafe environment. Really, truly inspect whether this is a ‘momma bear’ instinct regarding this woman’s presence in your son’s life.

    Also, and this is something that you can address in counseling because it is DEEP and I have fought through it myself. Your need for him to acknowledge what he is doing to you will NOT BE MET. It won’t. And you are fighting a battle against yourself in the meantime. The part of you that holds onto what he thinks about what has gone down and what he thinks about YOU is fighting against you, and hear me say THAT’S OKAY. But know that the longing for the day when he respects you may very well be unmet. That does not define who you are. I know you KNOW these things, just typing out some food for thought. These needs for affirmation will ONLY be silenced by complete security in who you are. You know you are not crazy- what he says about that is his own problem.

    Thinking of you and hurting with you… take it a day at a time and continue to pray for clarity.


    1. Kelly, I can't thank you enough for your comment. No, the custody arrangement I want, the one we are doing for now (my way) is something that I have been thinking about for a long, long time. I just approached it at the wrong time, and with anger and jealously if you will. Sigh....

      Matt has agreed to it for now, and we had a couple decent chats since Saturday. We are going to let both of our emotions calm down and talk about this again next week or the week after, once our "walls" have come down.

      The rest you wrote about I will take to heart. You are probably right. I say probably because I need to think about it. I think it's what I needed to hear.

      I respect your comments.

      Thank you so much,


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